Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas to all...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

So, here I sit, trying to get my little ones to go to sleep - torn as they are between wanting to stay up late on this special night and wait for their Auntie Jo Jo to come and wanting to be asleep so Santa will come. (I told them Santa only comes when little children are sleeping. He needs to keep his identity secret, sort of like Super Man.) The irony is, in the past I'd be wishing for them to go to sleep so I could eat like I wanted to. Funny that's not the case tonight. I'm torn between wanting them to go to sleep so I can sneak in another hour or two of work, and wanting them to go to sleep so I can stuff the stockings, and wanting them to go to sleep so I can go to sleep. Har, har! How far we've come.

Tony really had a plan for today - it was a plan to kick my booty in the gym in preparation for tomorrow's carbfest, I'm sure. 90 minutes into the workout, I realized I wasn't going to get it done before 10 am, which was my cutoff so I could still work (okay...okay...and get my emergency facial). It's been awhile since I texted and called Tony so frantically. Should I go back to the gym later? I couldn't do the three tri exercises and ending cardio! Should I do cardio at home? Should I try to go to the gym tomorrow (even though I have three kids, 6 and under, so the likelihood of being able to go anywhere aside from back and forth to the kitchen is completely remote)? Help!

"Friday will be here soon enough. Chill out," was essentially his response. GLADLY.

So, here I am chilling out. Trying hard not to obsess about when the carbfest begins. Trying hard not to obsess about the work I "should" be doing. Trying hard not to obsess about the gifts that still need wrapping.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to read a book and relax with my girls. Merry Christmas to me.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Big girls DO cry.

When I was a kid, I remember hearing about self-help groups that supposedly built people up by tearing them down, breaking down their psyches, reducing them to tears. I always felt that this was a pretty backwards way of getting people to feel good about themselves, by making them feel bad about themselves.

Interestingly, I had an experience today that led to a complete and total epiphany about what drives me. And it involved exactly that - being reduced to tears.

Tony's workout today was insane. It started with push ups, followed by chest presses, incline presses, decline presses, pullovers, ending with the piece d'resistance, two sets of walking pushups, 12 reps each (actually 36 reps each, because of the whole walking thing). About 1/3 of the way through the first set, I collapsed on the floor, feeling disheartened and weak. My in-person trainer was there, and she asked me what I was doing. I told her, and she immediately took off her sweatshirt and got down on the floor with me, prepared to do every push up with me.

"You can do this," she encouraged. "You will do this."

"I can't," I cried, "This is insane. I HATE him. I HATE him."

2/3 of the way through the final set, I crumpled into a ball and began to cry. By that point, I knew I would get through it and I was crying both from the pain of how hard it was, and from the joy of knowing I would break through the wall. I finished up, she high-fived me, and I went on to tackle the treadmill, a 10 minute cardio run. Feeling amped by the experience of completing all those impossible push-ups, I felt inspired to try to run a 10-minute mile, something I'd never done. I started off at 6.0 mph, and it actually felt do-able. I couldn't believe it. 5 minutes in, I ratcheted the speed up to 6.5, and kept it there for 5 minutes, at the 10-minute mark, I went back down to 6.0 for a 5-minute "break," then back up to 6.5 for 3 more minutes, followed by a minute at 7.0 and then a minute at 6.0. I ended up exceeding my goal of running 2 miles in 20 minutes; I ran 2.1 miles in 20 minutes.

I realized in talking about the experience later in the afternoon to a dear friend of mine that this is what drives me, what makes me unique and ultimately, what will lead to my success. I not only welcome, but invite into my life people like Tony and Kristen, who push me to the absolutely outer limits of what I can possibly achieve. I have people who do this for me in my physical development, like Tony, but also people who do this for me in my mental and emotional development, like my therapist, Dr. Susan Sabin, and people who do this for me spiritually, like my AA sponsors, and people who do it for me with my music, like John Stanley and Patti Labelle. The list goes on and on.

I never really verbalized this before, never really acknowledged it about myself, never really said how grateful I am to have been graced with this quality. I not only am willing to challenge myself to achieve as much as I possibly can in this life, I crave the challenge. I look forward to it. I thrive on it.


Monday, December 15, 2008

Back on track ... sort of.

Well, I'm mostly back on track today. (Given yesterday's blog about all or nothing, that's huge progress for me, I suppose.)

Today's workout was killer. I started off with a 10-minute jog at 4.5 mph, then killed the biceps and triceps, at one point, doing dumbbell curls with 25 pound weights. Grrrrr! Ended the weight training with two different ab exercises, 3 sets each of 25 reps. Tony...wha? Then back on the treadmill, and I promised I'd do a little extra cardio thanks to yesterday's food frenzy, so I did another 1/2 hour on the treadmill - 5 min at 4.5 mph, 10 min at 5.0 mph, 5 min at 5.5 mph, then 2 min at 6.0 mph, then 2 min at 5.5 mph, then 2 min at 6.0 mph, then 2 min at 6.5 mph, then a minute at 7 mph and a minute at 7.5 mph! WHEW!

Food was spot on until dinnertime, when the oven fries were calling to me. I only had about ten of them, and the rest of my food was completely clean.

I had a dream last night that I got on the scale this morning and it said 162. I didn't know what had happened to make me lose 6 pounds just like that, so I got off and back on again. Still 162. One more time. 162. I was so happy - couldn't believe I was less than 5 pounds away from my wedding day weight. When I woke up this morning, I wasn't disappointed or sad. I was MOTIVATED. I want to see that 162 for real. And I will. By the end of 2008, I will. Watch me.

Lots of personal stuff going on. Family of origin is up my a** right now. I told DH some stories about recent conversations that just made him go "WOW, with a capital W." I mean, he knew we had codependency issues, but it's amazing how they just know how to push every single button, over and over again. Like someone once told me, of course they know how to push all the buttons...they installed the damn things. So, for the last couple weeks, I've found myself having to disappoint them because I won't slip back into the codepen-dance. (Yes, I just made that up. It's a gift. What can I say?) Anyway, it just doesn't appeal anymore, and if that makes them mad, or sad, or even suicidal, all I can do is pray for them. I can't continue to sacrifice myself for them.

I shared with my therapist once that what it feels like is that growing up, we were all living inside a building that was on fire, everything was crumbling around us, it was hot, we were covered in burns and scars. When I got sober, I met people who taught me that I could get up, walk out of the house and begin to heal. And so I live outside the house, but I still see it burning. And my family of origin is still in there, asleep, burning to a crisp. And so every now and then, I can't take it. I have to go rushing back into the house, and I shake them, and hug them, and yell for them to please...wake up! Come on, get out, you can live out here and you can heal! And they just try to snuggle me in close to them on the bed. But I can't just lay there and burn, now that I know I don't have to. So, I run back out of the house. But I'm burned from being in there. I get burned every time.

Maybe one day, one day soon, I'll learn how to yell from the yard.

Perfectionist Stuff (shared with Beyond the Stuff blog)

I'm a perfectionist. It's a well-known trait of many alcoholics and drug addicts that we have a very all-or-nothing attitude. If we can't do things perfectly, we'd rather not do them at all. When I was growing up, my sisters and brother would be patiently coming at video games or their homework or whatever again and again, patient and willing to keep trying until they figured it out. Me? If I didn't figure it out right off the bat, I would throw the Nintendo joystick at the television and stalk off in a huff. Fortunately, there were many things I picked up quickly, so I was never at a total loss for things to do.

The problem is, perfectionism doesn't work so well in real life. It's an extremely unrealistic standard to strive to achieve. Like with food and eating. I woke up this morning realizing that what I thought were menstrual cramps were actually the beginnings of a stomach virus. Well, once I realized I wasn't going to eat my regular breakfast of egg whites and oatmeal, it was off to the races. I'm either all the way in or all the way out. That's quite a bit of pressure to have on yourself all the time and it leaves me precariously teetering on the edge of "F*** it-ville" all the time. (For those of you who haven't visited F*** it-ville, consider yourselves lucky. It's quite a depressing place.)

So, here I am, back in F*** it-ville, and homesick for my normal state of self-acceptance and contentment. I'll get there. Thank goodness it only takes prayer and hard work to get there. 'Cause as good ole Dorothy said, "There's no place like home..."

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Still rockin' and rollin'!

I'm still here. Life is SO good, and so am I!

Had a friend over for a playdate this afternoon and it was so tempting to have pizza with everyone else but I know for me, it starts there but who knows where it ends? Instead, I had a veggie burger on WW bread, salad w/lite dressing and decaf. After everyone left, I had protein pudding. I was 174 tonight, but I was 168 this morning, so I'm not sweating it. It's still TOM, so hopefully by the end of the year, I will have reached my goal of 165.

Today was shoulders, and I killed it. I wasn't feeling the cardio (I ran 3 miles yesterday), so I just walked it. I had an impromptu playdate that went till nearly 11 and since the babysitting at the gym ends at 12, I was worried I might not make it. But I did, and actually got the workout done with time to spare.

I'm fitting into size 12, consistently, JEANS, and so have accomplished yet another of my goals. I can't remember the last time I was in size 10 jeans, consistently. Maybe back in the '90s? I cannot believe I will be there in just a couple months! Woo hoo! And size 8 jeans? Maybe NEVER.

I'm exhausted from some family stuff that is weighing heavy on my mind. Not for public consumption, but I could use encouraging prayers.

Much love,


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Another YouTube video for you all to enjoy!

For those of you who enjoyed my Clash of the Choirs stint, and/or missed the recent Patti Labelle Christmas Special where I got to riff a little more, here it is:

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I need to post...

...if for not other reason that I don't want to see my half naked body every time I open the site up.

I wanted to let you guys know that I have another blog and I really want to encourage those of you who love me (or don't particularly, but have a morbid fascination with me) to check it out.

It's called Beyond the Stuff, and basically I and four other women blog about how we manage to get beyond the stuff in our lives, whether it be material possessions that are weighing us down or the non-material stuff - self-imposed limitations, damaging assumptions we've carried through to adulthood, etc. - that keeps us from becoming our best selves.

Check it out - and feel free to comment!!

Love ya,


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Put down that breadcrumb!!

Right now, everywhere you look, every commercial on TV, ever magazine cover, shows tempting, yummy, NON-dietetic food. Cookies, cakes, stuffing, gravy, biscuits, petit fours, you NAME IT.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

Remember the evil, old, crusty witch in the old Hansel and Gretel fairy tale, fattening the little kiddies up with candy and cookies, knowing full well she intended to toss them in the oven and eat them for dinner?

Well, that evil, old witch is alive and well and her name is Jenny Craig, or Slim Fast, or Alli, or whatever other get slim quick plan is out there and promises to undo all that holiday damage. Well, guess what, you ugly witches? I, for one, plan to not do any holiday damage, so take that to the bank.

I'm back on track, thank GOD. That's two frightening, food-frenzy holidays down, one to go. I'm actually .4 pounds LIGHTER than I was on Thanksgiving, and more than five pounds lighter than I was on Halloween.

169.2 this morning. YEAH, BABY. I can smell 165, and my wedding day weight of 158 is right around the corner.

Even better than that, I'm in a good place around food with two of the three major end-of-year holidays under my belt. After Christmas, it's all smooth sailing from there. I can just fall back, and float on the sea of people who are struggling to lose the weight they gained over the holidays. Its not too late for you to decide not to be among them.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

If I can see it, I can BE it.

OK - so it took me an extra day to get back on the wagon, but dammit, I'm ON IT. No way in HELL am I letting myself fall off now, not when I'm so friggin' close to uncharted territory. I was 158 on my wedding day. I'm only a little over 10 pounds away from that. Once I get under 158, it's a whole new ball game and I'm ready to PLAY.

I sent my first draft of the novel I wrote over to a publisher to be edited. I'm freaked out a bit, because this is a dream I have wanted ever since I was a little girl and off and on since then. I really, really, REALLY want to be a writer for a living and it shocks me that here I am, at this crossroads, ready to throw my hat in the ring. Then, I read Tea's Dream It, Believe It, Achieve It blog where she talks about how important it is to see your vision and where she has her ticker counting down the nearly 125 pounds she's lost to date. It's mindblowing and clearly the Universe's way of reminding me that if I can see it, I can be it.

Oh, I can see it. I can see my book settling at #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List, getting optioned into a movie and then a TV series. I can see my nonfiction book developing a huge underground following. I can see being a key player on the motivational speaking circuit. I can SEE IT. I'm ready to be it.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Can I puke now?

Tony gave me my Thanksgiving cheat meal and I feel like I am going to puke. Is it Friday yet? I feel like I may never eat again.

PS I saw 169.6 this morning. YAY, ME!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I have been recreated.

Now this is not to say that I won't be recreated again. And again and again and again.

But I have been recreated.

At the gym in my hotel this morning, I was surrounded by mirrors. You know how it is. Every where you look there you are: from the back, from the side, from the front, layers and layers of your own reflection. For most people, this might not even register as a fact worth mentioning. For others, it is the worst part of working out at a hotel gym. That used to be me. I used to avoid looking in those mirrors at all costs. Just a few months ago, I used to look in the mirror and think, "Jabba the Hut. That's what you look like. Jabba the Hut."

Today, I thought, "You. Are. Thin." I don't know how I got here. And I certainly still have outfits that don't flatter me in the way my tiny tank top and skin-tight leggings apparently do, but dammit, I'm PROUD of the fact that I like the way I look in the mirror today.

Oh, and I suppose it helps that...


I crossed the finish line at my exact goal time: 2 hrs, 30 minutes (and 8 seconds, but we won't count that...)


For the record, I am now a beautiful, fit, healthy ATHLETE.

Tell your friends.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Miles to Go Before I Sleep... (13.1 to be exact)

I was that girl in gym class who always got picked last for every team. 20 minutes into class, there I'd be, me and some other awkward, visibly NOT athletic kid would be standing, silently praying to either get picked next (at least I wasn't picked last) or spontaneously burst into flames.

Flash forward 25 years and I have redefined myself as an athlete. In 2005, I began the year wanting to run a 10K, but secretly adding to my very own Bucket List that I wanted to run a marathon before I kicked it. By the end of the year, after hours of planning and many, many miles of running, I had run the Philadelphia Marathon in just under 5 and a half hours (no walking, no stopping - except once to hit the port-a-potty at around mile 12). That experience was a huge turning point. It was the point I got Beyond My Stuff around being overweight, or unattractive, or old, or a girl. It was the point I released all those limiting labels and became ... an elite athlete. (Seriously - that's what it said on my Marathon Certificate.)

Once I had the label, elite athlete, I didn't want to let go of it. I made the decison that every year, I would run the 10-mile Broad Street Run in the Spring and a half-marathon in the Fall. That's what brings me to where I am today, laying in bed, blogging about the fact that in a little over 8 hours, I will be running in the Philadelphia Half Marathon, my third half-marathon. As I picked up my race packet (noting with a smirk that they still assume that of the two of us, my 6'2", 230 pound husband must be the one running the race), I walked with a little more strut in my Stuff, knowing that this is no longer a big deal for me, it is a tradition.

No matter what the scale says (and it happens to be pretty darn close to the 160s, I might add), I am an athlete. I fuel my body in a way that allows my body to function at maximum efficiency, and I strive to let go of excess fat so that I can perform better, not so that I'll turn an extra head or two (although I fully intend to do that, also). I order my race shirts in Medium, not Extra Large, because I'm now a regular-sized, fit, toned athlete.

Tony rocks. And I rock because although he gave me the guidance as to how to get to this place, but I was the one who followed it.

OK - I'm falling asleep. Pray for me, everyone. I cannot wait to come back and report that I ran it successfully (and in under 2.5 hours, if I have my way!)...


One by one, checking them off the list.

OK, I'm not WEARING my size 12 jeans yet, but I am getting them zipped and am almost ready to wear them! I think I'll be able to check that off the list. But the big news is that this morning, I stepped on the scale and saw (drum roll please...)


That means I am two pounds away from my goal of being under 170! That was my goal before Christmas, and I might hit that before Thanksgiving! (Which is what I told Tony was my goal.) Tomorrow is the half-marathon and assuming my food will stay clean (which it will), I KNOW I will see 169 before Thanksgiving. I KNOW IT! That means, I can hit my New Year's Eve Challenge goal of 165 by New Years. NO PROBLEM!

This morning, three people commented on how much weight I've lost. I feel great. I LOVE being abstinent and in shape! 13 pounds from now, I will officially weigh what I weighed on my wedding day! For the first time since then! How cool is that???


I'll post tomorrow night and let you guys know how the half marathon went. I hope to break the 2.5 hour mark. (How do people run marathons in under 2.5 hours? I can't fathom it...)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Day 2 - I know it will get easier...

...I just have to hang in there.

The night time is the worst. As dinnertime descends, I start fantasizing about all the stuff I could possibly eat for dinner - pizza, hoagies, stromboli, spaghetti and meatballs...oh, yum yum yum. I know I should never let my mind go there, but it just goes. It goes and goes and goes...and just for today, I'm so grateful I didn't go with it.

Driving home, I was racing the clock as it tick tocked toward the 6 pm day care cutoff (when suddenly with each minute that passes we incur some ridiculous charge). I called my husband to ask him if he would take care of dinner and he said he would. I walked in the door and saw the familiar Wawa bag...containing hoagies and Doritos and Cheddar/Sour Cream Ruffles. AAAUGH! Exactly the foods I've been slipping and sliding on for the past three weeks.

In the bathroom, I sat and said aloud, "I will eat an abstinent dinner tonight...I will eat an abstinent dinner tonight...please God, let me stay abstinent." Then, I went to the phone and texted my therapist and Tony that I was struggling. Within minutes, Tony had left me a voicemail: "A hoagie isn't worth it...stay strong...have an apple and some tea...stay strong..."

And I did exactly that. It is NOT worth it. Not because I want to lose another five pounds. For once, it is NOT about losing weight. It's about staying sane. For the first time in weeks, I was happy today. ALL DAY LONG. I have the same stress, the same pressure, the same issues in my life. But today, they didn't seem too overwhelming. Today, watching my daughter's Thanksgiving show and hearing her say that the one she was thankful for was her mom and dad loving her, my eyes welled up with tears and my heart felt as though it would burst with gratitude and love for her. When I received an e-mail and then a phone call about potential work for next year, I chose to see it as a sign from God that 2009 will be a year as full of abundance as this one was, if not more.

I want to hold on to that hopefulness, I want to build upon it and strengthen my spirituality through abstinence. Thanksgiving is coming and yes, I'm fantasizing about the food. I'm thinking about going out to a restaurant - not sure which is safer. Ordering a Whole Foods dinner (knowing we may be left with tons of leftovers) or taking everyone out to a Thanksgiving dinner. I am so grateful to be abstinent tonight. I want Thanksgiving to be about something else than food.

I want to hold on to that hopefulness, I want to build upon it and strengthen my spirituality through abstinence.

Didn't I just say that? Let's close with that, because THAT'S where I want to be. THAT'S my truth tonight.

Love, Liimu

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm a survivor!!

I am so blessed. Really and truly blessed.

It's amazing to me that I feel so hopeful and optimistic, despite what's been going on with me.

I found out last week (as I mentioned in my last post) that one of my major contracts was not renewed into next year.

My 6-year old daughter had major oral surgery (five fillings and a tooth extraction) that took four hours, the same day I had a major deliverable due for my other client, who is still deciding if they will renew into 2009.

I had until midnight to finish the project, and it was so much work, one of the team members actually said he didn't think we needed to push to get it done in time for next week's training. Unacceptable, in my mind. I'm always gonna push to get achieve the impossible.

In the midst of all this, my food has been sloppy, and I haven't been able to workout as regularly or as intensely as I have in past weeks. Normally, this alone would be enough to completely debilitate me, emotionally.

Last night, I prayed. Prayed and prayed and prayed. Prayed that God would give me strength to get through the day without binging or compulsively overeating today. Prayed that God would keep my daughter safe and get her through the surgery without incident. Prayed that God would somehow help me to get this project finished. Prayed that God would give me peace about the work, where it's going to come from, how I'm going to continue to pay for everything, what I'm going to be doing next year.

Today, I felt so happy and peaceful and hopeful and optimistic. No matter what was going on, I felt sure that everything was going to be okay. And guess what? I did complete my project, and got to be at the hospital with my daughter to boot. (And my wonderful husband took the day off and spent the day with Devon so I could work.) I know tomorrow will be even more wonderful.

I'm going to be doing the first official episode of "Beyond the Stuff," a new online talk radio show about how to get beyond the Stuff in our lives: the material stuff that is definitely weighing many of us down in this economy, as well as the non-material stuff, like our assumptions about what we can and can't be, our self-imposed limitations, our fears, etc. I will be joined by four other women as we do our own View-like show. Tune in and check it out!

Not much change in the weight for awhile. Still holding steady at around 173. I cannot WAIT to hit the 160s! I'll keep you posted when it happens!

Stay tuned for more...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Something strange is happening...

Have you ever had the feeling, in the midst of getting some really bad news, that it's for the best? I don't mean that fake smile you give as the tears stream down your face, keeping a stiff upper lip as you say bravely, "No, no, it's fine...I'm sure something better will come along." I mean when you really know that something better is coming, know it so definitively that you aren't even upset by the devastating situation you find yourself in.

That's how I felt today when I found out that my client wasn't renewing my contract next year. Is that strange? Is that crazy? It's not the first time it's happened.

10 years ago, I was stunned when the leader of my band, the first band I'd ever been in, the only band I'd ever been in, the band that brought me to my future husband, casually announced he wouldn't be needing me anymore. Not only did this mean I wouldn't be singing anymore, it meant I wouldn't be spending time with my guy - at shows, at rehearsals. And my ego was bruised beyond recognition (as it is now, I suppose). But I remember so clearly, my head on my husband's chest, my tears soaking a huge spot in the front of his flannel button-down, then looking up at him and saying, "The thing that's so strange is that even as I'm sitting here, crying so hard about this, I know something better is coming along." A few months later, I was back in the band, subbing in for one of the singers who hadn't shown up. A few months after that, I was the only singer (still a sub). A few months after that, when the bandleader quit dramatically, the band looked to me to lead them. And I did. I didn't know when I was sobbing at having been summarily dismissed from the band that I would be leading it just a few months later.

I have that same feeling now. That the Universe is opening up space in my life for something. Something phenomenal. Something beyond my wildest dreams. So, am I scared that I don't know what that is? Sure, I am. Am I scared that I don't have guaranteed income beyond next March? Darn skippy. But you know what? I'm excited, too. Because the Universe has never, NEVER let me down before.

Food's clean today. I didn't get my workout in, but I hope to get it in tomorrow. Not sure if I will, but I sure will try. I'll be hitting it hard this weekend, whatever happens.

Take care, y'all.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Releasing the Refined Carb Demons

Five days have gone by since I last posted and that is just not acceptable. I would love to say that it's because nothing has happened and all has been just completely hunky dory.


My family was in town. That's always been a huge trigger for me. I always find myself comparing my insides to their outsides. My kids to their kids. How can my 3-year old nephew be more advanced with reading than my 6-year old? How is it that my sister has all three of her kids in activities, and I can't get any of mine to continue with even one thing consistently? Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter...DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING I CAN PUT IN MY MOUTH TO SHUT THIS BRAIN UP???

Ah, ziti. That will do nicely.

Then, there's all the medical crap that continues to plague us - the toe walking, serial casting, dental nightmares. Oh, and yay - add to that lice and flu season and we're just having a ball over here!! By the end of the day, I feel like my head is going to explode if I don't loosen the lid just a hair, just a smidge, ahhh....garlic bread...that did it.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why, oh, why do I feel like only refined carbs give me relief? Especially now that I have used my amazing powers of deduction to ascertain the source of my acne is that very same demon - REFINED CARBS. I kid you not - I give in and have one lousy serving of french fries and I have two new pimples the very next day.

Why do I still eat it? Because I'm sick. And God willing, I will wake tomorrow feeling better and having the clarity and presence of mind to remember that carbs will only make me feel sicker. That peace of mind comes from getting my food even CLEANER, not from mucking it up.

That's all I have tonight, folks. I'm saying prayers that tomorrow, I will have some peace of mind about all this stuff. If you're of a mind to add prayers of your own, I'd appreciate it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up...

I'm struggling. There, I said it. I have seen it happen to so many others, and I'm not sure why I thought I was invincible. I'm definitely not.

Last week, I shared here about the drama with all my kids and their medical issues. My own troubles began when Tony gave me permission to have pizza on the night Amelia got carved up by the doctors at CHOP. For some reason, I found myself giving MYSELF permission to eat what I wanted for the rest of the week. On Tuesday night, we had a power outage and went out to dinner. I was eating off everyone's plates. Friday night, I went out to dinner with DH and again, gave myself permission to have WHITE bread, fried yams, everything but dessert. Then, we went down to my mother in law's (which is a trigger spot for me, anyway) and I gave myself Saturday night and Sunday. Ugh. So, yesterday I was like - ok, I'm back on track.

Was on track Monday and Tuesday and then today at dinner, here I go again....made oven fries for the girls and decided to throw some on my plate. ARGH! Why can't I get my mojo back? I'm stalled at 174.6 and if I keep up this attitude, I'll stay here FOREVER. I really want to get into the 160s. I haven't been there in over three years! How do I push through this and get there?


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

So, SO WHAT? I am a rock star....

(To the tune of "So What" by Pink...)

So, so what? I am a rock star...I got my food plan, and I will show you
Guess what? I'm having more fun, and soon as I'm done, I'm gonna show you tonight...
I'm all right, I'm just fine, I broke the rules, so, so what?
I am a rock star, I got my workout...and I will show you tonight!

So, wow...the Phillies won. First time in 25 years. I really wish I gave the slightest rat's behind about baseball. My husband's happy. I said to him, well, maybe Obama will win on Tuesday and you can get back to the gym. (He swears there is just too much on television, between the Phillies in the World Series and Obama running for President, it's completely messing up his gym schedule. And I'll bet you thought you'd heard every excuse.)

My saga continues, but I am happy to report I made it to the gym today.

This morning, I took my 6 year old to the pediatric dentist. Two and a half hours and $800 later, she had endured a tooth extraction, a metal spacer and two crowns. I kept her home with me for the day because she was really rattled from it all, understandably so. We have to go back in a couple weeks, but I think the worst is over.

My workout at the gym was pretty good. I had hoped to have the mojo for Monday and Tuesday's workouts, but for anyone who has done a Tony workout, you can imagine how busted I was after just Monday's workout. I did push out 2 miles on the treadmill, which I'm pretty happy about - and in under 22 minutes, I might add.

Finally, I'm happy to report that I've sort of caught up on work. I'm not hitting it out of the park or anything, but I'm reasonably ready for tomorrow's client meeting, so I guess I should be happy with that.

Here's the thing...I was sitting on the floor of an unused dance studio in the gym yesterday, in tears to my sponsor, explaining to her how out of control I was feeling, when she reminded me that there was a Power greater than me that was ensuring that the Earth would keep spinning on its axis, regardless of what I did or didn't do. Being reminded that there is a God (and it isn't me) gave me such a sense of relief. I may not knock this (or any) project out of the proverbial park (hmm...what's with all the sudden baseball references, Miss non-Baseball Fan? What's that scampering, leaping sound? Could that be the sound of me jumping on someone's bandwagon? Nah...never...), but I don't have to flagellate myself for not being able to knock it out of the park, either. No one expects more than the best I can give. So, if I just give that, every day - to my kids, to Tony and his Program, to Recovery, to work - then I can lay my head down at night and rest assured that I'm doing all I'm supposed to do and God WILL take care of the rest.

160s, here we come!!!

Take care, everyone. Yay, Phillies!!!

Love, Liimu

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What am I DOING??

This Program of Tony's has been working like a DREAM and so why have I started screwing with it? Is it self-sabotage? Fear of success? I don't know, but I'm SICK of it.

Today was another difficult day. Another day when I had to tie up my work loose ends by about noon so I could pretend that I'm a SAHM and have time to ferry my children around from dr's appointment to dentist appointment and back again. For the second time this month, I took my eldest out of school to get her cavities filled only to find out (again) that it cannot be done. Now, we have to go to another pediatric dentist tomorrow at 8:30 am to try again. Meanwhile, my deliverable deadlines are crushing down on me like the walls closing in on Indiana Jones just before he rolls under and out of harm's way, legendary fedora in hand.

Tonight, Devon and I got home to find the power out...again. When I called PECO to find out how long we would be in the dark, I was shocked to discover the estimated turn-on time was not until TEN pm. I guess we're going out to dinner, I said to her. And so we did. And while at dinner, I took a bite of a multigrain roll, a couple french fries, a couple bites of my baby daughter's pizza, a couple bites of my middle daughter's grilled cheese (on WHITE bread). A pineapple chunk here and there. Finally, a bite of my eldest daughter's cheeseburger put me over the top. It was so nasty, I didn't even swallow it. Just spit it back into a napkin. Thought to myself, what the hell am I DOING?

So, I commit to all of you that although I haven't gone crazy this past couple of days (pizza last night, bites of all my family's meals tonight), I will clean it up today and into tomorrow. I will not slide back into my old ways. I WILL get down to 150 pounds. Only 28 pounds to go!

Monday, October 27, 2008

You know you've had a rough day when...

...Tony gives you an impromptu rest day and a license to eat pizza.

The day started off well, if not a little frustrating, in that life kept happening and I kept being delayed in getting work done (the phone went on the fritz, the heater wasn't working right, etc etc). I only had until about 2 pm to get everything done because today was Amelia's 2nd appointment to have her serial casting adjustments (she was recently diagnosed with tight heel cords as a result of toe walking constantly).

We waited an hour to finally be seen by a nurse who rushed us into a room to take the cast off. Amelia is afraid of loud noises (migraines, supposedly) and so when the nurse turned the machine on, she was already freaked out. Then, she showed the mini circular saw she intended to use to cut the cast off and before either of us knew what was happening, she started in on her leg. At first, Amelia didn't know whether to giggle at the vibration or be startled and I tried to calm her, telling her it was nothing to be afraid of. All of a sudden, she starts to let out a blood curdling scream, saying it hurts, it hurts. The nurse keeps going, and I'm trying to hold Amelia to keep her from moving too much. Well, when all was said and done, it turns out the nurse went too far and actually sawed into Amelia's leg! No serious damage, but definitely breaking the skin. The worst part is that after a week of Amelia being a total trooper about the cast (she even did yoga last week), she now wanted nothing to do with another cast. Too bad, because we're in process. No turning back now.

I finally got her calmed down somewhat, promising her that the nurse would be more careful next time and it wouldn't hurt. We also promised her a glow-in-the-dark cast in honor of Halloween. It didn't help that the doctor didn't show up for another hour and a half - we were waiting nearly two hours before he finally came to put on the new cast, physician's assistant in tow, barely apologetic for what my daughter (and I) had endured. Also barely apologetic when he realized that the casting wasn't doing all he hoped it would and he had to break it to me that it might not, in fact, work and we might be facing surgery.

Now completely flustered and frustrated at what we were having to deal with (so much for the gym), I texted Tony to tell him I'd have to take a rest day, which is when he told me to relax and have pizza. I had promised my daughter an ice cream for her bravery, but when I tried to get off the highway to find a Baskin-Robbins, I accidentally went on the NE Extension of the turnpike, and nearly an hour out of my way. Tears were starting to well up as I realized I wasn't going to get home in time to get the girls in the bath (again), and then it started to rain. When I went to turn on the windshield wipers, the left wiper flipped all the way around and ended up perpendicular to the windshield.


So, when we finally got home, I did have pizza (after giving the girls their bath AND washing their hair, all 3 of them). I was tempted to also have my husband's leftover cheddar and sour cream chips and 3 ice cream sandwiches, but I didn't. In fact, I didn't have anything else after the pizza. It was yummy. The end. I'm still determined to get under 170 and having a full on binge is definitely NOT going to get me there.

Life is happening. What I have to remember is that it's not necessarily happening to me...'s just happening.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Even MORE tired...(but with good reason)

OMG - I am SO tired now I don't know if I will actually be able to complete this post. This was a BIZARRE and FRENETIC weekend, but lots of fun!

Yesterday, I got up and got the girls off to the gym and banged out a Tony workout (sans cardio - I was SO low energy) and then in costume and to their first party of the Halloween season. I even managed to get my food together so I could stay on Program. Then, on the way home, I left a message for our babysitter to make sure she was coming to High School Musical 3 with us later that day. (My husband had to leave for a 4 pm call in LANCASTER, which is nearly 90 minutes away).

"Can you make it to my house by 3:30 or 3:45 at the latest?" I text.
"Sure! :)" she texts back, within seconds.

3:30, the power has gone out due to the rainstorm. My daughters are sitting backwards on the couch, looking out the window, waiting for Nicole, the babysitter to arrive. I call her at 3:40, and also text. No response. If we don't leave by ten of, we'll be late for the movie. With the power out, I'm definitely not interested in hanging out at home. At 3:45, I leave her a message that we're going to head out to the movies, and she can meet us there. She never calls or texts again. Hope she's okay - my girls and I went to the movies and had a GREAT time. I ended up eating probably the equivalent to a whole kiddie popcorn and a 1/2 serving of pretzel bites, but otherwise, a clean experience.

This morning, I got up bright and early to do my 1/2 marathon training run. I also had to meet up with a new potential sponsor, so was planning to run 7 with a friend, and then turn around and head back to the meeting place for a total of 7.5. Again, no show. I ended up running back to my car, which means I ran a total of 10 miles. Always one to look on the bright side, I thanked the heavens for the fact that I would now have time to make breakfast, my favorite meal of the day. After breakfast, I went to the gym with the girls and then dropped them off at a playdate, leaving myself approximately 10 minutes to shower and get ready before going to a taping of Patti Labelle's Christmas special. What fun that was! We all got to solo and boy, did my voice sound good, if I do say so myself! I prayed for God to sing through me, and He did not let me down! I couldn't believe I could hit those notes! (I'll make sure I share the YouTube link, don't worry.)

Anyway, the table was covered with yummy looking holiday food - mac and cheese, collard greens, coconut shrimp, fried catfish - only they were all PROPS! We weren't allowed to eat any of it! In fact, there was no time to eat anything at all. I was there for 5 hours and all I had time to scarf down was a 1/2 can of tuna, only to keep myself from passing out.

So, I'm home now and fed. Yay. I ended up eating a big salad with salmon and ff mozzarella cheese. I'm so exhausted I can't even see straight, so I'm going to head off to bed. The good news in all of this is that I have to believe I will be seeing the low 170s this week. I just feel it.

Take care, all!

Love, Liimu

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


What is up with me? I have been so tired and have felt so bloated for days now. Is this the way it was last month? It makes no sense - TOM is long gone.

Yesterday, I was so tired, I actually called Tony to tell him I didn't know if I could make it to the gym. I hadn't had a day off in over a week, thanks to 1/2 marathon training. Tony gave me the green light to take a rest day.

I'm going to bed now, but I hope I have a repeat of last month - a nice drop two weeks after TOM start. I'm still holding steady at 178, still eating clean (though I did eat a baked french fry tonight and I usually don't put any unauthorized food in my mouth). Anyway, hopefully, I drop 5 pounds before the end of the month (though you all know I would LOVE to see the other side of 170).

I have to faciliate a training class tomorrow starting at 9:30. I"d better go to sleep now.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The infamous protein brownie - mystery solved

Tony recommended the protein brownies, though I have to admit, he recommended them before realizing they have to be made with peanut butter. I use Better 'N Peanut Butter, which is 100 calories and 3.5 grams of fat for 2 T! So, that helps a lot.

Here's the link:

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Stupid dumba$$ protein brownies...

I feel disgusting. I didn't go off Program, but I did order and make and eat those #$*&#)!@-ing protein brownies again. I don't know what makes me give in, although I can tell you that I have been feeling a little high and mighty with all the weight I have lost over the past few weeks alone.

And now, here I am again - no man's land. Post-period slowdown. Last month, I plateaued for over a week when my period ended. I'm anticipating the same this month. But then, hopefully right in time for Halloween, maybe I'll see the other side of 170? How cool would it be to have 16 at the beginning of my weight? Oh man - I haven't seen that in YEARS AND YEARS.

Anyway, today was my 7 mile run and I did it, albeit VERY slowly. I ran with a friend who's about 8 feet tall, and she walked while I jogged. But I ran it and man are my quads singing right now. And I'm exhausted.

So, protein brownies or no, it was a good weekend. I went to a birthday party yesterday and did not have even a bite of a soft pretzel, ne'er a lick of icing off the 600 cupcakes the birthday girl's mom made.

This promises to be a challenging week. Tomorrow, we take Amelia to CHOP to get the casts put on her first leg (though now DH is saying he's not sure...and he waits until less than 24 hours before her appointment to tell me this). Then, on Thursday, I'm to facilitate a pilot session of the first training course I've delivered for a major client. Say a prayer for me.

OK, I'm falling asleep now. I really do have to call it a day. Later, everyone!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Boring Post Alert...


Ok, so I started to freak out when I realized that my weight loss was stalling. Thank God for blogs! I was able to go back and look at my blogs from last month and could see that the same thing happened last month - in fact, it stalled for two weeks last month and then BAM! Down ten pounds. I'm eager to see the 160s - I haven't been there since 2005 - and I know I will get there.

Today was a busy day. DH had a gig and after meeting up with my running group and in-person trainer for a Playground Workout, I took the girls to the gym and did bis/tris. I took it easy with the cardio because I intend to run 7 miles tomorrow morning, in preparation for the 1/2 marathon. Oh - did I tell you? My running buddies didn't register in time. I'll be running this race BY MYSELF. Whatever.

Anyway, after the gym, I took the girls to a fun party at a nearby farm where they had a hayride, a hay maze, pumpkin painting - it was a blast! My 2 year old had a 20 minute nap, so by 8 pm when I was putting her down for bed, she was totally rubbing her eyes and ready to go.

Ah, crap - I know this is a boring post. What can I say? I'm tired. I need to really just go to bed. I'll post again tomorrow.

Take care, all,


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The HorMonster messes with your HEAD.

Ugh. I'm so tired, but I feel like I really need to post.

First, I have to say that I had an epiphany (sp?) recently. I was feeling so bad about the fact that I had let my little Self-Help book (it's called Truth) fall to the wayside. It is basically a reality book, a true-life chronicling of how I have completely turned my life around over the last 15 months. It will be finished when I get to goal. I have transformed my career, my marriage, my personal life and my physical self is last. It's working, I am close (30 pounds to go....) Anyway, I decided that I can copy these blog posts from the past few months into my book - I've been writing all along!

OK, so what's going on with me? Here's the weird thing. My period did finally come (yay!) and my weight hasn't actually gone up at all. But I feel bloated and disgusting. My clothes fit the same way, but I feel like my waist is moutainous. Essentially, nothing has changed, but I feel like EVERYTHING has changed.

Oh, and I have a confession...remember how I told you guys how I struggle with the protein brownies? How they're not really safe for me because I can't eat just one serving? Well, I bought them again. I justified to myself that I had them twice before and I've still lost weight, so I should be able to have them and still lose weight. Maybe it will just be a TOM treat.

Anyway, I'm exhausted. Had a tough workout, even though I felt like I was falling asleep. Back, abs and cardio. I ran 2 miles in 21 minutes. My girls I'm running the 1/2 marathon with didn't register in time, so it looks like I'll be running it by myself.

I'm not gonna be doing anything, though, anytime soon if I don't go to sleep. Gonna dream about getting to my next goal...169. I haven't been in the 160s since the year I ran the marathon...2005. I haven't been in the 150s since the year I got married! Exciting goals to achieve. Coming soon! Maybe I'll even be under 160 by Christmas!

Talk to you soon,


Monday, October 13, 2008

Back to life...

...back to reality...back to the here and now...YEAH!

I love my life. It wasn't actually that hard to come back to, though that is NO indication of what a ROCKIN' time I had, to use Paula's word. Wowsee wow. I had no idea I was going to have that much fun. I'm already planning when I can go back - this time with the kids and hubby. They would love it!

Yesterday, I got up earlier than I had even planned and met the Power Walk group down in the gym so that I could get an idea of where a good running trail would be. I shrugged off their offer of bottled water, as I hate running with water and's only a 3.5 mile hard can it be? Well, let me put it to you this way: there were several hills that were so steep, I almost found myself on my hands and knees trying to claw my way up. I won't sit here and try to tell you that I ran the whole thing, but I only walked up those big fat hills and basically ran the rest. And anyway, I still ran the five miles I committed to in an hour and three minutes, which is just a few minutes slower than my average pace.

I did most of the ab exercises Tony assigned to me, though I have to admit (not sure if anyone else has had this experience...feel free to share if you have) that I sometimes wonder if he hasn't gotten me mixed up with someone else - Tina, or Evelyn perhaps. Some seasoned competitive fitness chick. Because I am nowhere near being able to do 4 sets of crunches - 25, 35, 45, and 50 and the launch into planks and trunk and curls, and bicycles and all the other crap he puts on there. I'm sincerely hoping he's just putting on there the absolute most I could possible do, knowing that I won't be able to push out half of it. I swear, I was near tears. I was also starting to feel the beginnings of menstrual cramps (I think...I hope...) but that's another story.

So, after my killer workout, I went and had my cheat meal - breakfast this time - and thoroughly enjoyed it - french toast AND a bagel with cream cheese. YEAH baby. Then it was off to waterskiing, only to find out that they had deemed the waters too choppy for waterskiing, so my girlfriend (who also happens to be a lawyer) negotiated getting us a two-for-one parasailing deal. Well, I didn't have time to really think this new plan through, especially not the part where we were tossed around in a little boat on our way to our parasailing takeoff spot. By the time we got there, I was literally green in the face. Well, you know how this story ends...with me, 10,000 feet in the air, trying desperately to puke off to one side so I don't shower my friend (or the people below us) with puke.

Anyway, that was pretty gross, but hey - I can now say I have parasailed! Parasailed till I puked, in fact! How's that for partying hardy? After my parasailing fiasco, I drank a club soda and got a nice 80 minute aromatherapy massage and had an uneventful trip home.

Today was difficult - I still felt like I was sitting on a boat all day - woozy and dizzy - and I'm super tired. I'm gonna wrap this up soon, in fact. I had intended to go to bed over an hour ago. I did make it to the gym today, though some of the spring was definitely missing from my step. I was back up to 180.4 this morning - not surprising. Aunt Flow is due any day.

So, that's my story. I'm glad to be home! I hope you're all doing well and staying in the game!

Lots of love,


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Totally enjoying Jamaica, mon!

OK, so I think this may be my best vacation...ever. And this program of eating and working out is definitely a major part of why.

I cannot believe how much more energy there is to enjoy vacation and really be present for all the fantastic activities when I'm not thinking about food, drugging myself with food or feeling guilty about having eaten certain foods I promised myself I wouldn't eat or that I wasn't even hungry for until I started eating them.

I woke up today at 7:30 am because I went to sleep instead of going out drinking and dancing with the girls last night. (I don't drink and I had started my day at 4:30 am, so could barely keep my eyes open on the way home from dinner. As it was, we didn't get home from dinner untill 11:30.) After reading my meditation books, I made my way downstairs for the buffet breakfast. I was happy to find that you could get egg whites in your made-to-order omelette, so I had an egg white omelet with peppers, mushrooms, onions and tomatoes and a tiny bit of cheese and had fruit on the side. (What an indulgence! Pineapples! Melon! I still didn't indulge in banana - even I know better than that.) I thought about having oatmeal, but with no sugar-free syrup, decided to have two pieces of multi-grain toast, instead. I pulled out my book, poured myself a cup of coffee and enjoyed a quiet breakfast by myself.

Then, I went to the gift shop to treat myself to a pretty coverup dress, to celebrate getting under 180, finally. I was happy to find that the Large fit nicely and went off to meet my friends.

On the boat, the girls started drinking before we even left the shore. I don't drink, and instead chose to have water or diet pepsi (2 cups), danced and snorkeled, even slid down the big slide at Margaritaville (which was like being shot out of a cannon) and swam out to the trampolines and tried for about ten minutes to run from one trampoline to the other with no success. I ordered lunch, asking them to substitute double steamed veggies for rice and beans, and completely enjoyed the jerk chicken and vegetables.

At the end of the booze cruise, as they called it, the birthday girl's cousin asked me if I would sing Happy Birthday to my dear friend, and of course I said yes. I don't get asked to sing a lot, and I love to sing when people ask me to. I belted out my own rendition of Happy Birthday, holding my friend's hand and barely made it through - she was crying, I had to fight back tears. Everyone loved it, especially the birthday girl. It was a very special moment and I'm so glad I could be fully engaged and enjoy it!

Back at the hotel, I decided to hit the gym before doing anything else and just finished a killer bi/tri/abs workout and run. My run was so hard - I ran 1 minute at 5 mph, then 2 min at 6 mph, then ran 1 min at 5 mph, then 2.5 min at 6, then 1 min at 5 and 3 min at 6 mph, then ran 30 sec at 6.5, 30 sec at 7.0, 30 sec at 7.5 and 30 sec at 8 mph!

Now, I can go off to lay by the beach feeling sexy in my bathing suit (I really am starting to look quite good, if I do say so myself) and relax until it's time for dinner. I plan to have seafood and double veggies again and will enjoy my cheat meal tomorrow - BREAKFAST! I plan to have a big bagel with cream cheese! Can't wait!!

OK, just wanted to check in with everyone to let you know how I'm doing. I can't wait to see the low 170s! I'll be there soon!

How's everyone else??

Friday, October 10, 2008

HorMonster be DAMNED!!! I hit the 170s!!!

I cannot believe it, but I achieved my goal of hitting the 170s before my trip to Jamaica!!! I hopped on the scale this morning and saw it...

You guys, I haven't seen this side of 180 since last December!!! I am so excited, I can't even tell you. And here I am in beautiful Montego Bay, Jamaica, celebrating my health and wellness and all the successes of this past year. It has been wonderful year.

It has been an uneventful trip so far. This morning, I woke up at 4:30 am, after only 5 hours of sleep, got my bags together, made my mama drink (which is what my daughters call my concoction of ACV, lemon juice, green tea extract and stevia) and my little mama drink to put in water after I arrived in Jamaica and made my oatmeal and egg whites to eat once I got on the airplane.

Hurdle #1: Tired and hungry, they bring my low fat meal. Nothing lowfat about it. It's a cheese omelet, roll, potatoes and roasted cherry tomatoes. I ate the cheese omelet and the tomatoes and went to sleep.

Hurdle #2: Arrived at the resort just in time to miss breakfast. Lunch didn't start for a half hour - nothing on the menu was Tony approved. Ordered a Greek salad, hold the flatbread.

Hurdle #3: Drinks galore - bloody Marys, martinis, cosmos, pina coladas...I order a club soda with a splash of pineapple juice then another, this is after swimming and snorkeling, so I don't feel so bad.

Hurdle #4: Tired and still hungry, knowing I will get to have my MRP is the only thing motivating me to go to the gym (especially since I am the only one working out during this vacation). I go - I kill it. Now it's time for dinner.

My plan is to have a big salad starter, followed by some yummy fish and more veggies. I will not have bread (though I want it). Tony gave me license to have some fruit this weekend and a cheat meal, which I plan to use either tomorrow night or (more likely) Sunday morning.

OK, I'm off to shower and get myself cute. We plan to go to karaoke and clubbing tonight!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The hormonster's BACK!

How is it possible that I didn't post today? I know I've been tired, but still. I e-mailed Tony today to let him know that I was feeling tired and wanted to take the day off. He said go for it, let's hit it hard tomorrow!

OK, so here's what I really want to post about.

It's COMING... Yep, for those of you who have been following - my hormonster is on its way, which means that I'm probably not going to see any progress for a couple weeks. That's okay. I've been through this before, and I know what to expect. In fact, my therapist suggested I wear a special ring that will remind me when I see it that I'm going through that time of the month so I'm more patient with myself when the scale doesn't move or I have crazy cravings or I'm impatient with my kids. So, that should help, I hope. All I have to do is hang in there, not expect miracles, but KNOW that the weight will again begin to fly off when the hormonster makes its ungracious, but much welcomed exit.

OK, I gotta go to bed. I've been falling asleep all day and am really going to regret it if I don't sign off and go to bed.

Good night!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Man, I am so close to the 170s, I can taste it!!! I know I keep saying that, but this time it's true...LOOK!

That's what I saw this morning (plus the fact that I desperately need a pedicure...tee hee!). Oh, man - I'm less than a pound away from achieving my goal of hitting the 170s before I go to Jamaica this weekend. I WILL DO IT! (And then, I'm not getting on the scale for at least a week. TOM is coming in a week.)

I had a killer workout today, too. I hit the shoulders hard. (I love watching my muscles work as I workout.) Then I ran 2 miles in 21 minutes! Woo hoo! Tonight I have a gig with hubby and have to figure out what I'm gonna wear. At least I know I'll look good!

Oh, and I measured today - down 6.25 inches this week! Woo hoo! I'm now down more than 15 inches overall!!

OK, enough said. I'm so excited and feel so good. 6 weeks down and feeling stronger than ever.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Enough is ENOUGH!

How am I? How am I? I am sane. I am abstinent. I am doing the best I can to live my life as God would have me live it. There are so many things out there that veer me off course into insanity and insane thinking.

I won't go on and on about the conversation I had with my brother today that really made me feel like binge-eating. Let me put it this way:

So often in my family, I just feel like I am not enough. (My brother did not make me feel that way, mind you. He inadvertently let me know that others in the family don't feel I measure up.) It's that feeling that no matter how hard I try, I'm just not good enough that led me to drink, to drug, to smoke cigarettes and from the very beginning to compulsively overeat. I remember once when I was about 8 years old, when my 11-year old sister had already crossed the line to being overweight, but I was still skinny (and thus, OK, by my family's standards), being sat down by one of my even older sisters for a heart-to-heart:

"You have to be careful now. You're still skinny, but you could get fat if you eat too much. Look at what happened to [sister]. You have to be careful, or you'll get fat, too."

I'm paraphrasing, of course. I can't remember verbatim a conversation from thirty years ago. It doesn't really matter what was actually said. That is what I heard. That is what I continue to hear, unless I'm in constant contact with my Higher Power and allowing His voice to fill my head. His voice tells me I am a perfect child of a loving God right now, and that all He wants for me is for me to be happy. That if I seek to serve Him, that's exactly what I will be. And so that's what I do. I can't always serve them and still serve Him; that's what they don't understand. And they forget that it wasn't that long ago - just 14 years ago - that I was struggling to keep my head above water, that I was drinking and drugging and spiraling out of control from addiction and compulsive overeating and restricting.

So, was it a good day just because I was abstinent? Even though, I didn't think to call this one or that one just to see how they're doing? (Because it's really all about them, you know.) Well, you're DAMN RIGHT, it was a good day. I had cravings - I even FORGOT to drink my myoplex shake (which is sad, because that's one of my two favorite meals of the day) and then followed Tony's direction and drank the glutamine in water. YUCK. I am willing to take direction from someone else regarding how to fuel my body and that is a damn miracle. I saw myself from about 10 different angles while I was working out and I looked GOOD. (I loved Melissa's comment on my photos. That's what I was sort of thinking quietly in my head, but worried that I was bullshitting myself.) I feed my kids all kinds of stuff in any given week that I would LOVE to have myself - chicken nuggets, pizza, pudding, hell - BREAD of any kind. But I don't. And I'm very proud of that.

I'm very proud of the woman I have become and the woman I have yet to be. And if it's not enough for my family, well, so what? Who are they to say it's not enough if it's enough for God?

On another note, I'm off to Jamaica this weekend to help a dear friend celebrate her 40th birthday. I'm coming down with a cold and this trip is JUST what the doctor ordered. Plus, I've lost nearly 15 pounds since my friend last saw me. Can't wait to see her reaction!!

OK - I gotta go to bed now. This is downright ridiculous. Good night, everyone!!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Why don't I see it??

OK - the first set of pics were taken with my computer camera and the second set of pics were taken by my husband at an entirely different angle, but why don't I see much difference? I AM IN MY DIVA JEANS! I've lost 15 pounds! I'm 2 pounds away from my lowest weight since 2005. What the hell is going on that for some reason, I look the same to me in these pics? I definitely see the difference when I look in the mirror. Well, I'll let you judge for yourself. I'm not even going to include the back shots because the pose is so different, I think I actually look better in the "before" shots. Anyway, here's the side shot.

Maybe it doesn't matter, since I know I'll see a difference in the next set of photos. But why, oh why does my mind always play tricks on me???

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Grateful for SO much...

So, I was just reading through some of the posts and came across an old post of Evelyne's that was about struggling with skin issues and going to the dermatologist with a heart full of hope. I have struggled with my skin for SO long, and finally a few months ago started to thank God for healing my skin. Every night, I thanked Him, and slowly answers started to come - someone recommended a liver flush, someone else recommended liquid chlorophyll as a supplement, I experimented and came up with a cleansing program that worked for me, my sister gave me a gift certificate for microdermabrasion (I'm going for my 4th treatment on Tuesday). As a result of all this and Tony's program of eating, my skin has gone improved dramatically (see below).

It's not perfect, but DANG! It's getting there. I can actually go out of the house without makeup. I can assure you that both sides of my face looked the same before and the improvement is equally dramatic on both sides. I had tried EVERYTHING - dermatologist's recommended prescriptions, eliminating dairy, eliminating chocolate, stringent skin care, WEEKLY facials, adn on and on - never touched my skin, bla bla bla. It was the Tony diet and the chlorophyll that finally made all the difference. I cannot believe it, but I am so grateful.

Today was a rest day. I always feel slightly off kilter on my rest days, because I don't know when to have my MRP, and I don't have that sense of accomplishment that I get from a really good workout day. That being said, tomorrow is a 6-mile run at 7:30 am with my running buddy (we're training for a 1/2 marathon next month), followed by an hour at the gym doing my Tony workout. Cannot wait! Plus, tomorrow it's 6 week pics - stay tuned!

I'm so psyched to do my pics. I really cannot wait. I was telling my husband today that I finally have the feeling when I catch sight of myself in the mirror that I LIKE what I see. I'll catch my reflection and think, wow - you look GREAT. And to think it only gets better from here!

I was running with a friend this morning and she asked me what my goal is with Tony. I said, "Probably around 145." (I currently weigh 182). She was like, "Really? Do you actually think you can ever get that small?" (She knows that I weighed 158 on my wedding day and looked very good - I wore a size 12 wedding dress.) I said, "You know - I don't know what I can accomplish, because I've never worked this hard before. But Tony thinks I can, so I think I can." I'm so glad that I believe that. I'm excited to actually see how small I can get! My husband and I were talking about next summer and the pool for some reason and I looked at him with a sly smile and said, "I'm going to be in a bikini next summer!" And he said, "Oh, good - maybe you can finally get tan all over!" Ha ha!

I'm so incredibly happy with my progress on so many levels - so happy with how my attitude and mindset have changed, so happy with how clear my skin is, and so happy with how my body looks. (I wore skinny jeans pair #2 today. I think I may go to Target tomorrow and secretly try on size 12 jeans. Just for kicks.) Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful support.

Much love,


Friday, October 3, 2008


Ok, REMIND me of this post when I'm complaining about hormonal weight gain! I am WEARING THE DIVA JEANS, which I had hoped to be wearing next week when I go to Jamaica!

Not only that, but I got on the scale this morning and guess what it said. No, really, guess! You can't guess...I bet you can't...okay, I'll tell you...


Oh man, those 170s are so close I can SMELL them and they smell GOOD! Oh wait, that's the grilled mushrooms, onions and egg whites I just ate. Hardy har!

I am so glad I muscled through my PMS/period week and waited for the big weight loss Tony promised me. I have now lost 13 pounds in just under 6 weeks. I cannot believe it. I am back to where I was at the beginning of the year, and ready to enter uncharted territory!

Today's workout was EXCELLENT! I woke up this morning at 4:45 am and went for a 40 minutes 3 mile run. then after I dropped the girls at school I went to the gym to work back and abs. one-armed rows with 35 pounds dumbbells, yo! Grrr!!! Then I rocked the 10-minute cardio like this:

Minute 1: 4.5 mph
Minutes 1-3.5: 6 mph
Minutes 3.5-4.5: 4.5 mph
Minutes 4.5-7: 6.0 mph
Minutes 7-8: 4.5 mph
Minute 8: 6.0 mph
Final minute: 15 sec at 6.5 mph, 15 sec at 7.0 mph, 15 sec at 7.5 mph, 15 sec at 8 mph

YEAH, BABY! I am on fire!!!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Happy! Happy! Happy!

Ah, how I love the hormonal off-weeks. Not ovulating, not menstruating. I feel strong, happy, on top of the world! Okay, I admit it. I sent Tony a frantic email telling him I was feeling crappy, had a crappy workout, crap crap crap. He emailed me back to tell me to stay strong and that I would be in the low 170s before I knew it. I love that man. He says exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.

I'm not going to make the same mistake as last night and stay up till midnight. Truth is, last night was ultra productive. I was on FIRE today - delivering two storyboards and an eLearning module. YEAH, baby! They are totally going to extend my contract. I can FEEL it.

By the way, stay tuned for 6 week pics this weekend. I am really excited to share them with you. People have been commenting a lot about my weight loss and I find myself double-taking all over the place (hey - my face is really, my arms are way smaller than I realized...etc.etc).

Tee hee!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Why am I still awake???

So, I wasn't going to blog but then figured I might as well include here the update I just sent to Tony...

I was up late working tonight (as you can see) and have to be at a client site all day tomorrow, then have to take my middle girl to ballet at 5 pm. I say all that to say that I may not make it to the gym tomorrow, and so tomorrow would be my rest day and the workouts would be pushed a day. Not sure, though – I prepped my hubby that I may decide to go to the gym after the kids go to bed at 8 pm. It’s so hard to tell whether I’ll have the energy.

I was exhausted all during today’s workout. I pushed myself to the limit (calf raises with 130 pounds), but couldn’t squeeze out more than a mediocre walk for the cardio. Not sure if its just because I’ve been pushing the cardio so hard for the past few days. Anyway, prayers are being said that tomorrow I’ll have the energy to get my workout in after the girls go to bed. I’d rather not take my rest day this early in the week.

In general, though, I’m feeling great. Over the hump that was most likely hormonal and the reaction to the first PMS experience since we started this whole process. Plus, your prayers and thoughts WORKED! I am actually being productive again and finally ahead of schedule on all my projects. Wee ha!!

(Let's just hope all the reviews that come in on my deliverables are favorable with minimal or no changes.)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sh** or get OFF THE SCALE!

OK, either I need to STOP weighing every day or I need to STOP complaining about it! You guys were ALL right, and the scale was my friend this morning, as I was back down and beyond my lowest number yet...


I'm so close to the 170s, I can TASTE IT!

So, just for today, I can't commit to not weighing myself today, but I will commit to not complaining about how it fluctuates. If I can't keep that commitment, I may need to revisit my decision to weigh daily.

But YAY! I'm sooooo happy that this program is working! (I don't want to give you the wrong impression - that I only think it's working when the scale shows it. I haven't doubted it, and that is why I didn't blow it yesterday, but hit it even harder at the gym, like everyone encouraged me to do.)

Today, I'm home with Devon, my 6 year old, who has off for the Jewish holidays. I have a schedule all made up for her and truthfully, it's going pretty well so far. I'm struggling a little bit to stay on track with the work I have to do, but not so bad. I am just a little bit in procrastination paralysis, but will be back on track when we get back from the gym. We leave in 20 minutes.

So, off to do a simple chest workout - for some reason, Tony was easy on me today, or at least that's how it feels - and then to Whole Foods to pick up some lunch and back home to finish up my work for the day.

Talk to you guys later! Pics are coming this weekend, I promise!!

Love, Lii

Monday, September 29, 2008


I was UP two pounds this morning? How the #(%*&$!( is that possible??? I have been hitting it HARD and eating clean! Well, mostly clean. I'm still adding the occasional bacon bits to a salad, but COME ON!! TWO POUNDS???

I left a message for Tony this morning, because if I'm being honest, I would NOT keep doing this if it didn't result in a dreambody. And unfortunately, the only person in this house who could have a dreambody at 187.9 pounds is my 6'2" tall husband, dammit. I'm PISSED!

No word back from Tony. I just downloaded my workout for today. Whatever, whatever. I'll do it. Hit it hard, as usual. But I AM PISSED.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Another first - two hours of babysitting isn't ENOUGH!

WOW! Who would have thought that I would be able to workout for TWO hours straight? I am training for a half marathon, so I had to run 6 miles today, and I followed it with a 45 minutes Tony session. WOW. Did I say WOW?

I actually wasn't able to get his entire workout in, because the gym has a two hour limit on babysitting. I ended up having to stop before the last cardio interval (2 min) and only got one set of 12 reps of the behind the head presses. (OK, and I hate those exercises, anyway. Ooops - who said that? Don't rat me out to Tony.)

So, I did my stats this morning. was down 3 inches (1 inch off my abs, one off my biceps) for a total loss this month of NINE inches. I'm pretty pleased about that. Oh man, the workout is suddenly hitting me...I'm soooo tired.

Oh, and did I mention we had TWO birthday parties (for a two year old and a six year old), both with cake, one with pizza, one with hoagies and chips and I didn't have ANY OF IT? Man, I am really committed to this. Week 5, and still going strong. YAY ME!

OK, that's all for now. I'll post again tomorrow.

Friday, September 26, 2008

All is well...

First, thanks to everyone for your prayers and support. The call with my client went very well. She was incredibly cool about it, very calm and clear-headed. And, she didn't seem all together surprised, which was a good thing. We went over everything and came up with a revised schedule. I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Hell, I can finally BREATHE. It looks like the project may be extended a couple months, too, which is a nice bonus. I'm still going to commission help with it, too, just because I will likely still need it.

That being said, we got bad news on the insurance front. DH picked the wrong coverage, and even after he picks the right coverage it only covers 50%. Good thing we have good jobs. It's going to cost us several thousand dollars to finish his root canal and get Devon's cavities taken care of. Ugh. Gotta make that girl brush her teeth better.

Anyway, it was an exhausting day. I didn't get to the gym, and was on my way there at 2 pm when I realized I wasn't going to have time for T's workout and still get to pick up Devon from school on time .I called him to find out what he wanted me to do in these types of situations. And then, I went to the party store to get the decorations for my 2-year old's birthday party tomorrow. By the time T called me back, I had bagged the gym (but left a message for DH asking if I could go later after he got home).

T and I had a good conversation, though I have to say, I'm missing all the positive hoo ha I used to get when I first started with him. I don't NEED it, per se, but I do wish he still acted like I'm rocking the caspah. We were sort of doing an inventory of all my behaviors and at one point he asked how I was doing with ACV and lemon juice and green tea extract. I told him I thought I would get the definite prize of all his divas for my ACV/LJ/GT consumption. I LOVE it! I drink it all day long (and have to keep it from my kids). He laughed. I got him to laugh!

Anyway, I can't believe I'm rounding out week 5 already. This has really become a lifestyle and thank God for that.

More tomorrow, y'all.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Insurance SUCKS.

This morning, I was up at 6 am, checking messages and email and got a message from my husband’s dental office (he had a root canal scheduled) that our insurance wasn’t covering his root canal, because all our insurance covers is preventive care.

WHAT?? Preventive care only? So, we have enough coverage to find out we have dental problems, but not enough to actually fix them?

To make matters worse, I had a dentist appointment scheduled for my 6 year old daughter later in the morning – missed the first three hours of the work day – only to find out that, of course, her cavity fillings weren’t covered either. Close to $3000 for both of them! AAACK!

Meanwhile, as I was pulling my hair out listening to MetLife tell me what I already knew, work was piling up and up and up. I make numerous calls to my husband, then to my friend who's an HR Benefits Manager for her feedback, then back to hubby to make sure he's calling his HR to get it all squared away. After all this, I finally get myself to the gym – it’s nearly 2 pm – and then realize as I’m driving home at close to 3 that I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast at 8:30 am. UGH! I get my girls to ballet at 4:45 and pull out my salad and realize I can’t find my fork. I eat what I can with my fingers before the ballet starts, then get home and make the girls peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hot dogs, whatever, as I cook collard greens and turkey burgers (extra lean) for me and the mister.

OK, so here’s where things get a little sketchy. Remember that protein brownie I swore I’d never make again? Well, my girlfriend told me about this new peanut butter called Better ‘N Peanut Butter that only has 50 calories per tablespoon and less than 1g of fat! So, I made it with that, and it was good. Problem is, I had at least three servings between what I ate while I was making it and what I ate after dinner. Probably about 500 calories worth. (That being said, I still probably ate less than 1500 calories due to the weird sketchiness of my meals today.)

So, that’s my confession. I’m still committed. Still kicking butt in the gym (and actually seeing serious changes in my body as a result, not to mention the ten pounds I lost this month.) But I will continue to be brutally honest with you guys because I WANT THIS TO WORK, DAMMIT.

'Nuff said. Pictures next week! I know you guys are all waiting with baited breath...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

One month tomorrow!!

Thanks to everyone for your reassuring words yesterday. I had a great phone conversation with a dear friend today and she recommended I have a heart-to-heart with my client to get to a resolution that we can both be happy with. I can't keep going at this pace, that is for sure. I'll have that talk with her on Friday. Say prayers for me that it goes well for all concerned.

That being said, I have actually been very productive over the past few days. My workouts have been hardcore, although today I had a really hard time with the ab workout Tony prescribed. It started out with a 25 rep set of crunches, followed by 3 35-rep sets. Then 3 sets of 25 trunk and curls, then 2 sets of 25 bicycles, then 2 sets of 25 single leg planks (couldn't even do these - so I just did 2 25-second regular planks). Do I need to go on? I was DYING. The only thing good about it was that I was lying down.

Anyway, I still pushed out a killer 12 minute final run. 2 minutes at 4.5 mph, 4 minutes at 5.o mph, 4 minutes at 5.5, 1 minute at 6.0 mph and the last minute in 15 second intervals - 6.5, 7.0, 7.5 and 8.0. I was so tired (ovulating???) but overall, I feel good about the workout.

Biggest news? Tomorrow is one month with Tony. I have really committed to this process, laid a strong foundation, LOST TEN POUNDS, and it is only the beginning. I am thrilled, THRILLED with my progress so far, and can't wait to see what the next month will bring!

Love to all of you!


Tuesday, September 23, 2008


But I'm not.

I am so overwhelmed with work right now, and I go into every day with these big, grandiose plans for how much I'm going to get done and how productive I am going to be and then I get to work, work for hours and feel like I've gotten nothing done. (For those of you who think I'm goofing off right now, I'm on my lunch break, thankyouverymuch.)

I was on the treadmill this morning, determined to get in an extra 20-30 minutes of cardio, a la Tony, but 10 minutes into it I started getting so freaked out about all the work that was waiting for me, I hopped off. Ugh ugh ugh. So, now, here we are with only 2 hours left before I have to get Devon from school and I feel like I am exactly where I was when I started this morning! I know that's not possible, but still.

Meanwhile, I had someone who was supposed to start for me as a personal assistant (she was actually supposed to start last Thursday, but called out on her FIRST DAY). She didn't show up. Why am I held to such a work ethic, why am I so hard on myself, when others go la la la through their lives blowing off what they don't want to do whenever they want?

Anyway, food is clean. I had the weirdest lunch - thin chicken breast sandwich (the thin chicken breast was the "bread", with lf soy cheese between two pieces, and a thin layer of lite mayo. Cauliflower with ff cheese on the side. I was happy to see that my weight was down to 186.7 today. Maybe it's finally moving after all?

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Law of Attraction

So, I just have to say BIG UPS to HealthGirl for posting a comment on my Lord Help Me blog. It's amazing how we ask for help from the Lord and then help is given. It wasn't even in the form of a comment or anything like that. I was bouncing around, reading Hillary's post to me, and then her post to Melissa H on today's blog and something jumped out at me:

"...I know its not easy, but try to find something positive to think about. (trust me, I know its easier to say!) I do believe in the Law of Attraction, so I try to personally stay aware of that..."

Well, DUH. I believe in the law of attraction, too! I know that's why I have a successful training company now. I attracted it to myself, manifested exactly the vision I put into the Universe. And so what have I been manifesting lately? FATNESS. Well, that stops TODAY. Starting today, I'm all about the positive manifestation of my perfect body, my best self! I have been putting positive energy into the Universe all day and have been amazed to see it coming back ten fold!

This morning, I was THRILLED to see that a pair of pants I bought a month ago that were a bit tight when I bought them were fitting perfectly. Then, at the gym. Then, when I got to the gym, I found that the ACV drink I bring everywhere spilled all over my socks and shirt. I put the shirt on anyway (a big, oversized Race for the Cure tee), but was really uncomfortable (it was damp and stank of vinegar). I found my eyes drawn to these really cute tee-shirts I've been coveting for weeks. They're long waisted, and have colorful lip imprints all over the front and say, "Healthy bodies have more fun." I've seen ladies in the gym wearing them and they look so cute. But I would always say to myself, not yet. I can't wear that yet, my stomach is still too big. Well, today, I changed my internal tapes. I said to myself, "Self? You DESERVE one of those cute tee-shirts, and you can afford one. You have been working hard and you will look good in it!" And you know what? I DID. I couldn't believe it, and I kept looking at myself in the mirror as I worked out and thought, wow - I really am starting to look pretty cute! Then, tonight I was talking to my sponsor, whom I had breakfast with yesterday and she said, "You know, I forgot to tell you yesterday when I saw you, but you looked beautiful. When you walked in the room and sat down on the floor [at an AA meeting], I was just blown away, just in awe." Now, I know that sounds over the top, but I swear, it's what she said. And just for today, I'm going to embrace that good positive energy and happily accept more of it into my life.

I will be 150 pounds one day. I will have a beautiful, clear complexion. I am healthy and strong, committed to Tony's program. I eat clean - SQUEAKY clean - and workout hard. I know that all I have to do is continue to do what I'm doing and open myself to the wonderful blessings and rewards that are on their way to me, as we speak.

Pics in two weeks, people...stay tuned!

PS I love getting comments and would LOVE to have people following my blog. So, if you're diggin' my flow, feel free to follow!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Lord help me...

Here I am at the willing am I to take this all the way - come rain or shine, pain or pressure? I was so frustrated this morning - after running 5 miles yesterday, followed by a back/tri workout that lasted over an hour - to see the scale exactly where it was the day before. I was faced with the question of whether I would be willing to keep this up even if my weight never moves. How's that for a tough question to one's self?

I e-mailed Tony this morning to give him a complete run down of how I've been eating, just to see if there's something more I can/should be doing to clean up my eating. Are my portions too large? Tony says to eat until I'm full. But will that work for ME? Then, after enduring ice cream cake yesterday (when I ate noodle-less lasagna) and then pizza and ice cream later in the day (while I ate a spinach salad with grilled chicken and lite caesar dressing), and then guacamole and chips and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and kandy kakes and popcorn and grapes and canteloupe today (while I ate more noodle-less lasagna and chocolate lava cake), I finally broke down and called Tony. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him, because my girls are screaming in my ear all the time (in fact, I ended up having to go into the bathroom just to hear his voicemail). But his voicemail helped a lot. At least, I know I"ll make it through today.

We'll take tomorrow when it comes.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Post-Cheat Wisdom

Ugh. I feel disgusting. Not regretting my decision, but really surprised at how I feel after having eaten my first "cheat meal." First of all, I did follow Tony's suggestion and didn't bring my cheat meal into my house. I finished my 4th ACV before we went to dinner, and then my cheat began. Here's what I had:

one piece of pumpernickel bread w/butter
pita bread w/hummus and feta cheese appetizer (and a couple pieces of hubby's calamari)
3/4 cheeseburger w/fried onions, mushrooms and cheddar cheese
3/4 serving fries
Diet coke

Then onto Whole Foods for 2/3 of a peanut butter brownie and 1/2 c decaf w/whole milk and turbinado sugar.

Funniest part is that as I ate my cheeseburger, I thought how much more satisfying it would have been to have had the seabass w/risotto. How close to equally satisfying my own turkey burger w/ff cheese and grilled onions and mushrooms is, despite the lack of bun. Same when I was eating the peanut butter brownie. It tasted ridiculously like the protein brownie Tony recommended (that I'm staying away from for at least a couple months because it was just too good).

The bottom line? The only thing I'm missing with this way of eating is the GUILT. So my next question would be, why wouldn't I just eat this way for the rest of my life, if that's all that's missing? My answer? I WILL.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I'm going bananas...

OK, I admit it. I'm going bananas...I haven't had a rest day in 12 days (I'm taking tomorrow off), I'm so tired I feel like I"m going to throw up, I'm WAY behind in work and cannot catch up no matter how hard I try, I'm busting my a** at the gym every day, eating CLEAN every day, and yet nothing is changing. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING! Okay - not nothing. I've lost 2 inches this week, no weight, no bodyfat.

Tony gave me the green light for a cheat meal. One meal. Hubby and I are going out to dinner tomorrow night and I'm going to take him up on it.

Honestly, I just am soooooo tired. I think that's my biggest problem today. I'm rounding out week 4 (photos tomorrow) and am proud of the foundation for success I've laid, but ... BUT BUT BUT. Why is there always a but? I'm proud of the foundation for success I've laid. PERIOD.

I AM going to get to 150. I AM going to be ripped and hot by this time next year. I AM! I AM! I AM! I will not let the Fat Monkey crawl back up on my back. I'm doing everything I can do with this day, this one right here, to be a success.

Thank you. I am done.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Afraid to post...

Not like last time, not afraid of the backlash...I'm afraid of what I might say. What I might admit. It has been truly emotional week and DH and I have been very disconnected. Add to that the fact that I'm completely PMSing and not losing weight as a result and you understand why I've been struggling.

Those dang protein brownies. Tony recommended I get them, but didn't want me to use peanut butter in the mix. Well, the mix didn't have any instructions for how to make them without peanut butter, so I made them with. Big mistake (though a Tony-approved mistake). My servings kept getting bigger and bigger. It's gone now, thank GOD, and I won't be buying it again.

My workouts have been killer, still, so I'm glad about that. I ran an extra 2.5 miles this morning (in a half hour) and also hit it hard tonight for an hour - a great back workout. I'm looking forward to tomorrow - legs. Oh, and while I was doing chest presses, I was thinking about Evelyn's post about doing 105 pound chest presses, and I was dying with 70 pounds on there for 6 reps!

Anyway, I'm still in the game, still digging Tony's program. I just wish the damn scale would start moving again. It feels like it's been stalled for much longer than a week!!

Take care,


Monday, September 15, 2008

Still on track...

This TOM weight gain is making me slightly crazy, but I am proud to say I have been hanging in there. Eating was clean, pushed hard at the gym. I cannot WAIT to be able to report that the TOM weight gain has fled the coop for good. Any words of wisdom or experience are appreciated.

My workout today was good. My neck and shoulders are so sore - and NOT in a good way. I did really push it hard and I cannot wait to have those killer sculpted shoulders that my friends at the gym have. I was washing my face today and was really happy to see how much thinner my face is since I started this. (It's much clearer, too, despite TOM.)

I'm planning to add an extra cardio session tomorrow morning right after I drop Devon off at day care. That is one thing I did differently the first two weeks - I added three extra cardio sessions, whereas last week I only added one.

Anyway, I'm still on track. Still determined to make it to 150. This time next year, I will be there. I will be the woman I long to be. I see it! I see it!

I'm gonna peruse the blogs for awhile and get inspired.

Love y'all,


Sunday, September 14, 2008

I KNEW I wasn't crazy!

TOM has arrived! I knew I wasn't crazy. Holding fast at 189 and Tony had great advice that made me feel much better (I just knew he was going to tell me to just stay away from the scale...)

Me: Holding steady and TOM hasn't even arrived. It's messing with my head because my food is clean and I'm hitting all the workouts super hard. I feel like this is what always happens and then I give up. Like I'll never make it past this plateau and into the 170s. I want it so BAD. I'm on my way to do my training run. 5 easy miles. I know could just stay away from the scale, but how can I get back to feeling like this is really gonna work this time??

Tony: Because it IS going to work. The key is to be very aggressive at those times when you feel your weakest. Like NOW!! In other words, once the body begins to set at a point, it usually is about to break the homeostasis it's in. This week MUST be a great week.

We will talk this week :)

And with that, I headed over to the gym and ran my 5 miles and LOVED it. I had set up my new toy - the Nike iPod shoe thingie (I know - I'm about two years behind the trends). Anyway, I got a total kick out of it and ended up the 5 miles at 6 mph for the last quarter mile. YEAH me!

Today was another clean day - even though it's free day for DH, I did grocery shopping and hung out with friends who brought out snacks what felt like every five minutes. I'm so glad I hung in there and didn't give in to the pita bread and hummus, pretzels, chocolate chip peanut butter cookies (do you get the picture?). My dear, sweet friend I was visiting with is one of those interesting women who seems to be able to eat whatever she wants (really) and not gain weight. She forgets to eat. You get it.

Anyway, I know today that I AM NOT one of those people. I continue to remain diligent and kick butt in the gym and with my food.

Off to make my chocolate lava cake - meal 6. I'll keep you guys posted on when the TOM poundage finally flies off!! You know it!!

Thanks to everyone for the supportive comments. I love y'all!!!


Friday, September 12, 2008


I don't know if TOM is coming or if I'm bulking up because I haven't had a straight cardio workout in over a week or if all the stress in my life is making me hold on to weight, but I was PISSED to see 189 again this morning. PISSED. And frustrated to realize that I very well may not reach my (and Tony's) goal of 185 by Monday. Miracles happen, but not necessarily this time.

That being said, I had a GREAT day. Dropped Devon off at school, came home and had a yummy clean breakfast of egg white broccoli and ff cheese, with a side of flax oil oatmeal. Worked for awhile, then took off to the gym for a KILLER back CRIT with my f2f trainer, Kristen. I was dragging on the treadmill (also a symptom of TOM's impending entrance) and still pushed myself to escalate my speed to 7.0 mph by the end. After the workout, I gulped back the MRP shake w/glutamine I'd brought with me (is my halo sparkling?) and then headed over to Starbucks to gulp my 2nd ACV drink and work some more. At about 12:15, I headed over to the Salad Bowl, made a yummy grilled chicken and spinach/lettuce salad w/ff dressing and started on my 3rd ACV drink. (Or was it my 4th?) I then had a LONG needed and awaited massage and facial (my aesthetician was VERY impressed at how much my skin has improved since I've been doing Tony's program) and then back home to get ready for therapy.

Something weird happened here. First, I was trying to make Melissa's noodle-less lasagna, but realized I had no ground turkey. Darn. Then, I made my whey protein shake for meal 4 but when I went to drink it, with every sip I got shards of metallic paper in my mouth. I never figured out what that was all about. I just dumped it out the window and continued on to the grocery store. Had a great therapy session, then came home to make the noodle-less lasagna (YUM) while my kids ate pizza.

Could I make it to 185 by Monday? I suppose. Will I make it to 150 by this time next year? Damn straight.

Love y'all.