Wednesday, October 29, 2008

So, SO WHAT? I am a rock star....

(To the tune of "So What" by Pink...)

So, so what? I am a rock star...I got my food plan, and I will show you
Guess what? I'm having more fun, and soon as I'm done, I'm gonna show you tonight...
I'm all right, I'm just fine, I broke the rules, so, so what?
I am a rock star, I got my workout...and I will show you tonight!

So, wow...the Phillies won. First time in 25 years. I really wish I gave the slightest rat's behind about baseball. My husband's happy. I said to him, well, maybe Obama will win on Tuesday and you can get back to the gym. (He swears there is just too much on television, between the Phillies in the World Series and Obama running for President, it's completely messing up his gym schedule. And I'll bet you thought you'd heard every excuse.)

My saga continues, but I am happy to report I made it to the gym today.

This morning, I took my 6 year old to the pediatric dentist. Two and a half hours and $800 later, she had endured a tooth extraction, a metal spacer and two crowns. I kept her home with me for the day because she was really rattled from it all, understandably so. We have to go back in a couple weeks, but I think the worst is over.

My workout at the gym was pretty good. I had hoped to have the mojo for Monday and Tuesday's workouts, but for anyone who has done a Tony workout, you can imagine how busted I was after just Monday's workout. I did push out 2 miles on the treadmill, which I'm pretty happy about - and in under 22 minutes, I might add.

Finally, I'm happy to report that I've sort of caught up on work. I'm not hitting it out of the park or anything, but I'm reasonably ready for tomorrow's client meeting, so I guess I should be happy with that.

Here's the thing...I was sitting on the floor of an unused dance studio in the gym yesterday, in tears to my sponsor, explaining to her how out of control I was feeling, when she reminded me that there was a Power greater than me that was ensuring that the Earth would keep spinning on its axis, regardless of what I did or didn't do. Being reminded that there is a God (and it isn't me) gave me such a sense of relief. I may not knock this (or any) project out of the proverbial park (hmm...what's with all the sudden baseball references, Miss non-Baseball Fan? What's that scampering, leaping sound? Could that be the sound of me jumping on someone's bandwagon? Nah...never...), but I don't have to flagellate myself for not being able to knock it out of the park, either. No one expects more than the best I can give. So, if I just give that, every day - to my kids, to Tony and his Program, to Recovery, to work - then I can lay my head down at night and rest assured that I'm doing all I'm supposed to do and God WILL take care of the rest.

160s, here we come!!!

Take care, everyone. Yay, Phillies!!!

Love, Liimu

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What am I DOING??

This Program of Tony's has been working like a DREAM and so why have I started screwing with it? Is it self-sabotage? Fear of success? I don't know, but I'm SICK of it.

Today was another difficult day. Another day when I had to tie up my work loose ends by about noon so I could pretend that I'm a SAHM and have time to ferry my children around from dr's appointment to dentist appointment and back again. For the second time this month, I took my eldest out of school to get her cavities filled only to find out (again) that it cannot be done. Now, we have to go to another pediatric dentist tomorrow at 8:30 am to try again. Meanwhile, my deliverable deadlines are crushing down on me like the walls closing in on Indiana Jones just before he rolls under and out of harm's way, legendary fedora in hand.

Tonight, Devon and I got home to find the power out...again. When I called PECO to find out how long we would be in the dark, I was shocked to discover the estimated turn-on time was not until TEN pm. I guess we're going out to dinner, I said to her. And so we did. And while at dinner, I took a bite of a multigrain roll, a couple french fries, a couple bites of my baby daughter's pizza, a couple bites of my middle daughter's grilled cheese (on WHITE bread). A pineapple chunk here and there. Finally, a bite of my eldest daughter's cheeseburger put me over the top. It was so nasty, I didn't even swallow it. Just spit it back into a napkin. Thought to myself, what the hell am I DOING?

So, I commit to all of you that although I haven't gone crazy this past couple of days (pizza last night, bites of all my family's meals tonight), I will clean it up today and into tomorrow. I will not slide back into my old ways. I WILL get down to 150 pounds. Only 28 pounds to go!

Monday, October 27, 2008

You know you've had a rough day when...

...Tony gives you an impromptu rest day and a license to eat pizza.

The day started off well, if not a little frustrating, in that life kept happening and I kept being delayed in getting work done (the phone went on the fritz, the heater wasn't working right, etc etc). I only had until about 2 pm to get everything done because today was Amelia's 2nd appointment to have her serial casting adjustments (she was recently diagnosed with tight heel cords as a result of toe walking constantly).

We waited an hour to finally be seen by a nurse who rushed us into a room to take the cast off. Amelia is afraid of loud noises (migraines, supposedly) and so when the nurse turned the machine on, she was already freaked out. Then, she showed the mini circular saw she intended to use to cut the cast off and before either of us knew what was happening, she started in on her leg. At first, Amelia didn't know whether to giggle at the vibration or be startled and I tried to calm her, telling her it was nothing to be afraid of. All of a sudden, she starts to let out a blood curdling scream, saying it hurts, it hurts. The nurse keeps going, and I'm trying to hold Amelia to keep her from moving too much. Well, when all was said and done, it turns out the nurse went too far and actually sawed into Amelia's leg! No serious damage, but definitely breaking the skin. The worst part is that after a week of Amelia being a total trooper about the cast (she even did yoga last week), she now wanted nothing to do with another cast. Too bad, because we're in process. No turning back now.

I finally got her calmed down somewhat, promising her that the nurse would be more careful next time and it wouldn't hurt. We also promised her a glow-in-the-dark cast in honor of Halloween. It didn't help that the doctor didn't show up for another hour and a half - we were waiting nearly two hours before he finally came to put on the new cast, physician's assistant in tow, barely apologetic for what my daughter (and I) had endured. Also barely apologetic when he realized that the casting wasn't doing all he hoped it would and he had to break it to me that it might not, in fact, work and we might be facing surgery.

Now completely flustered and frustrated at what we were having to deal with (so much for the gym), I texted Tony to tell him I'd have to take a rest day, which is when he told me to relax and have pizza. I had promised my daughter an ice cream for her bravery, but when I tried to get off the highway to find a Baskin-Robbins, I accidentally went on the NE Extension of the turnpike, and nearly an hour out of my way. Tears were starting to well up as I realized I wasn't going to get home in time to get the girls in the bath (again), and then it started to rain. When I went to turn on the windshield wipers, the left wiper flipped all the way around and ended up perpendicular to the windshield.


So, when we finally got home, I did have pizza (after giving the girls their bath AND washing their hair, all 3 of them). I was tempted to also have my husband's leftover cheddar and sour cream chips and 3 ice cream sandwiches, but I didn't. In fact, I didn't have anything else after the pizza. It was yummy. The end. I'm still determined to get under 170 and having a full on binge is definitely NOT going to get me there.

Life is happening. What I have to remember is that it's not necessarily happening to me...'s just happening.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Even MORE tired...(but with good reason)

OMG - I am SO tired now I don't know if I will actually be able to complete this post. This was a BIZARRE and FRENETIC weekend, but lots of fun!

Yesterday, I got up and got the girls off to the gym and banged out a Tony workout (sans cardio - I was SO low energy) and then in costume and to their first party of the Halloween season. I even managed to get my food together so I could stay on Program. Then, on the way home, I left a message for our babysitter to make sure she was coming to High School Musical 3 with us later that day. (My husband had to leave for a 4 pm call in LANCASTER, which is nearly 90 minutes away).

"Can you make it to my house by 3:30 or 3:45 at the latest?" I text.
"Sure! :)" she texts back, within seconds.

3:30, the power has gone out due to the rainstorm. My daughters are sitting backwards on the couch, looking out the window, waiting for Nicole, the babysitter to arrive. I call her at 3:40, and also text. No response. If we don't leave by ten of, we'll be late for the movie. With the power out, I'm definitely not interested in hanging out at home. At 3:45, I leave her a message that we're going to head out to the movies, and she can meet us there. She never calls or texts again. Hope she's okay - my girls and I went to the movies and had a GREAT time. I ended up eating probably the equivalent to a whole kiddie popcorn and a 1/2 serving of pretzel bites, but otherwise, a clean experience.

This morning, I got up bright and early to do my 1/2 marathon training run. I also had to meet up with a new potential sponsor, so was planning to run 7 with a friend, and then turn around and head back to the meeting place for a total of 7.5. Again, no show. I ended up running back to my car, which means I ran a total of 10 miles. Always one to look on the bright side, I thanked the heavens for the fact that I would now have time to make breakfast, my favorite meal of the day. After breakfast, I went to the gym with the girls and then dropped them off at a playdate, leaving myself approximately 10 minutes to shower and get ready before going to a taping of Patti Labelle's Christmas special. What fun that was! We all got to solo and boy, did my voice sound good, if I do say so myself! I prayed for God to sing through me, and He did not let me down! I couldn't believe I could hit those notes! (I'll make sure I share the YouTube link, don't worry.)

Anyway, the table was covered with yummy looking holiday food - mac and cheese, collard greens, coconut shrimp, fried catfish - only they were all PROPS! We weren't allowed to eat any of it! In fact, there was no time to eat anything at all. I was there for 5 hours and all I had time to scarf down was a 1/2 can of tuna, only to keep myself from passing out.

So, I'm home now and fed. Yay. I ended up eating a big salad with salmon and ff mozzarella cheese. I'm so exhausted I can't even see straight, so I'm going to head off to bed. The good news in all of this is that I have to believe I will be seeing the low 170s this week. I just feel it.

Take care, all!

Love, Liimu

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


What is up with me? I have been so tired and have felt so bloated for days now. Is this the way it was last month? It makes no sense - TOM is long gone.

Yesterday, I was so tired, I actually called Tony to tell him I didn't know if I could make it to the gym. I hadn't had a day off in over a week, thanks to 1/2 marathon training. Tony gave me the green light to take a rest day.

I'm going to bed now, but I hope I have a repeat of last month - a nice drop two weeks after TOM start. I'm still holding steady at 178, still eating clean (though I did eat a baked french fry tonight and I usually don't put any unauthorized food in my mouth). Anyway, hopefully, I drop 5 pounds before the end of the month (though you all know I would LOVE to see the other side of 170).

I have to faciliate a training class tomorrow starting at 9:30. I"d better go to sleep now.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The infamous protein brownie - mystery solved

Tony recommended the protein brownies, though I have to admit, he recommended them before realizing they have to be made with peanut butter. I use Better 'N Peanut Butter, which is 100 calories and 3.5 grams of fat for 2 T! So, that helps a lot.

Here's the link:

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Stupid dumba$$ protein brownies...

I feel disgusting. I didn't go off Program, but I did order and make and eat those #$*&#)!@-ing protein brownies again. I don't know what makes me give in, although I can tell you that I have been feeling a little high and mighty with all the weight I have lost over the past few weeks alone.

And now, here I am again - no man's land. Post-period slowdown. Last month, I plateaued for over a week when my period ended. I'm anticipating the same this month. But then, hopefully right in time for Halloween, maybe I'll see the other side of 170? How cool would it be to have 16 at the beginning of my weight? Oh man - I haven't seen that in YEARS AND YEARS.

Anyway, today was my 7 mile run and I did it, albeit VERY slowly. I ran with a friend who's about 8 feet tall, and she walked while I jogged. But I ran it and man are my quads singing right now. And I'm exhausted.

So, protein brownies or no, it was a good weekend. I went to a birthday party yesterday and did not have even a bite of a soft pretzel, ne'er a lick of icing off the 600 cupcakes the birthday girl's mom made.

This promises to be a challenging week. Tomorrow, we take Amelia to CHOP to get the casts put on her first leg (though now DH is saying he's not sure...and he waits until less than 24 hours before her appointment to tell me this). Then, on Thursday, I'm to facilitate a pilot session of the first training course I've delivered for a major client. Say a prayer for me.

OK, I'm falling asleep now. I really do have to call it a day. Later, everyone!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Boring Post Alert...


Ok, so I started to freak out when I realized that my weight loss was stalling. Thank God for blogs! I was able to go back and look at my blogs from last month and could see that the same thing happened last month - in fact, it stalled for two weeks last month and then BAM! Down ten pounds. I'm eager to see the 160s - I haven't been there since 2005 - and I know I will get there.

Today was a busy day. DH had a gig and after meeting up with my running group and in-person trainer for a Playground Workout, I took the girls to the gym and did bis/tris. I took it easy with the cardio because I intend to run 7 miles tomorrow morning, in preparation for the 1/2 marathon. Oh - did I tell you? My running buddies didn't register in time. I'll be running this race BY MYSELF. Whatever.

Anyway, after the gym, I took the girls to a fun party at a nearby farm where they had a hayride, a hay maze, pumpkin painting - it was a blast! My 2 year old had a 20 minute nap, so by 8 pm when I was putting her down for bed, she was totally rubbing her eyes and ready to go.

Ah, crap - I know this is a boring post. What can I say? I'm tired. I need to really just go to bed. I'll post again tomorrow.

Take care, all,


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The HorMonster messes with your HEAD.

Ugh. I'm so tired, but I feel like I really need to post.

First, I have to say that I had an epiphany (sp?) recently. I was feeling so bad about the fact that I had let my little Self-Help book (it's called Truth) fall to the wayside. It is basically a reality book, a true-life chronicling of how I have completely turned my life around over the last 15 months. It will be finished when I get to goal. I have transformed my career, my marriage, my personal life and my physical self is last. It's working, I am close (30 pounds to go....) Anyway, I decided that I can copy these blog posts from the past few months into my book - I've been writing all along!

OK, so what's going on with me? Here's the weird thing. My period did finally come (yay!) and my weight hasn't actually gone up at all. But I feel bloated and disgusting. My clothes fit the same way, but I feel like my waist is moutainous. Essentially, nothing has changed, but I feel like EVERYTHING has changed.

Oh, and I have a confession...remember how I told you guys how I struggle with the protein brownies? How they're not really safe for me because I can't eat just one serving? Well, I bought them again. I justified to myself that I had them twice before and I've still lost weight, so I should be able to have them and still lose weight. Maybe it will just be a TOM treat.

Anyway, I'm exhausted. Had a tough workout, even though I felt like I was falling asleep. Back, abs and cardio. I ran 2 miles in 21 minutes. My girls I'm running the 1/2 marathon with didn't register in time, so it looks like I'll be running it by myself.

I'm not gonna be doing anything, though, anytime soon if I don't go to sleep. Gonna dream about getting to my next goal...169. I haven't been in the 160s since the year I ran the marathon...2005. I haven't been in the 150s since the year I got married! Exciting goals to achieve. Coming soon! Maybe I'll even be under 160 by Christmas!

Talk to you soon,


Monday, October 13, 2008

Back to life...

...back to reality...back to the here and now...YEAH!

I love my life. It wasn't actually that hard to come back to, though that is NO indication of what a ROCKIN' time I had, to use Paula's word. Wowsee wow. I had no idea I was going to have that much fun. I'm already planning when I can go back - this time with the kids and hubby. They would love it!

Yesterday, I got up earlier than I had even planned and met the Power Walk group down in the gym so that I could get an idea of where a good running trail would be. I shrugged off their offer of bottled water, as I hate running with water and's only a 3.5 mile hard can it be? Well, let me put it to you this way: there were several hills that were so steep, I almost found myself on my hands and knees trying to claw my way up. I won't sit here and try to tell you that I ran the whole thing, but I only walked up those big fat hills and basically ran the rest. And anyway, I still ran the five miles I committed to in an hour and three minutes, which is just a few minutes slower than my average pace.

I did most of the ab exercises Tony assigned to me, though I have to admit (not sure if anyone else has had this experience...feel free to share if you have) that I sometimes wonder if he hasn't gotten me mixed up with someone else - Tina, or Evelyn perhaps. Some seasoned competitive fitness chick. Because I am nowhere near being able to do 4 sets of crunches - 25, 35, 45, and 50 and the launch into planks and trunk and curls, and bicycles and all the other crap he puts on there. I'm sincerely hoping he's just putting on there the absolute most I could possible do, knowing that I won't be able to push out half of it. I swear, I was near tears. I was also starting to feel the beginnings of menstrual cramps (I think...I hope...) but that's another story.

So, after my killer workout, I went and had my cheat meal - breakfast this time - and thoroughly enjoyed it - french toast AND a bagel with cream cheese. YEAH baby. Then it was off to waterskiing, only to find out that they had deemed the waters too choppy for waterskiing, so my girlfriend (who also happens to be a lawyer) negotiated getting us a two-for-one parasailing deal. Well, I didn't have time to really think this new plan through, especially not the part where we were tossed around in a little boat on our way to our parasailing takeoff spot. By the time we got there, I was literally green in the face. Well, you know how this story ends...with me, 10,000 feet in the air, trying desperately to puke off to one side so I don't shower my friend (or the people below us) with puke.

Anyway, that was pretty gross, but hey - I can now say I have parasailed! Parasailed till I puked, in fact! How's that for partying hardy? After my parasailing fiasco, I drank a club soda and got a nice 80 minute aromatherapy massage and had an uneventful trip home.

Today was difficult - I still felt like I was sitting on a boat all day - woozy and dizzy - and I'm super tired. I'm gonna wrap this up soon, in fact. I had intended to go to bed over an hour ago. I did make it to the gym today, though some of the spring was definitely missing from my step. I was back up to 180.4 this morning - not surprising. Aunt Flow is due any day.

So, that's my story. I'm glad to be home! I hope you're all doing well and staying in the game!

Lots of love,


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Totally enjoying Jamaica, mon!

OK, so I think this may be my best vacation...ever. And this program of eating and working out is definitely a major part of why.

I cannot believe how much more energy there is to enjoy vacation and really be present for all the fantastic activities when I'm not thinking about food, drugging myself with food or feeling guilty about having eaten certain foods I promised myself I wouldn't eat or that I wasn't even hungry for until I started eating them.

I woke up today at 7:30 am because I went to sleep instead of going out drinking and dancing with the girls last night. (I don't drink and I had started my day at 4:30 am, so could barely keep my eyes open on the way home from dinner. As it was, we didn't get home from dinner untill 11:30.) After reading my meditation books, I made my way downstairs for the buffet breakfast. I was happy to find that you could get egg whites in your made-to-order omelette, so I had an egg white omelet with peppers, mushrooms, onions and tomatoes and a tiny bit of cheese and had fruit on the side. (What an indulgence! Pineapples! Melon! I still didn't indulge in banana - even I know better than that.) I thought about having oatmeal, but with no sugar-free syrup, decided to have two pieces of multi-grain toast, instead. I pulled out my book, poured myself a cup of coffee and enjoyed a quiet breakfast by myself.

Then, I went to the gift shop to treat myself to a pretty coverup dress, to celebrate getting under 180, finally. I was happy to find that the Large fit nicely and went off to meet my friends.

On the boat, the girls started drinking before we even left the shore. I don't drink, and instead chose to have water or diet pepsi (2 cups), danced and snorkeled, even slid down the big slide at Margaritaville (which was like being shot out of a cannon) and swam out to the trampolines and tried for about ten minutes to run from one trampoline to the other with no success. I ordered lunch, asking them to substitute double steamed veggies for rice and beans, and completely enjoyed the jerk chicken and vegetables.

At the end of the booze cruise, as they called it, the birthday girl's cousin asked me if I would sing Happy Birthday to my dear friend, and of course I said yes. I don't get asked to sing a lot, and I love to sing when people ask me to. I belted out my own rendition of Happy Birthday, holding my friend's hand and barely made it through - she was crying, I had to fight back tears. Everyone loved it, especially the birthday girl. It was a very special moment and I'm so glad I could be fully engaged and enjoy it!

Back at the hotel, I decided to hit the gym before doing anything else and just finished a killer bi/tri/abs workout and run. My run was so hard - I ran 1 minute at 5 mph, then 2 min at 6 mph, then ran 1 min at 5 mph, then 2.5 min at 6, then 1 min at 5 and 3 min at 6 mph, then ran 30 sec at 6.5, 30 sec at 7.0, 30 sec at 7.5 and 30 sec at 8 mph!

Now, I can go off to lay by the beach feeling sexy in my bathing suit (I really am starting to look quite good, if I do say so myself) and relax until it's time for dinner. I plan to have seafood and double veggies again and will enjoy my cheat meal tomorrow - BREAKFAST! I plan to have a big bagel with cream cheese! Can't wait!!

OK, just wanted to check in with everyone to let you know how I'm doing. I can't wait to see the low 170s! I'll be there soon!

How's everyone else??

Friday, October 10, 2008

HorMonster be DAMNED!!! I hit the 170s!!!

I cannot believe it, but I achieved my goal of hitting the 170s before my trip to Jamaica!!! I hopped on the scale this morning and saw it...

You guys, I haven't seen this side of 180 since last December!!! I am so excited, I can't even tell you. And here I am in beautiful Montego Bay, Jamaica, celebrating my health and wellness and all the successes of this past year. It has been wonderful year.

It has been an uneventful trip so far. This morning, I woke up at 4:30 am, after only 5 hours of sleep, got my bags together, made my mama drink (which is what my daughters call my concoction of ACV, lemon juice, green tea extract and stevia) and my little mama drink to put in water after I arrived in Jamaica and made my oatmeal and egg whites to eat once I got on the airplane.

Hurdle #1: Tired and hungry, they bring my low fat meal. Nothing lowfat about it. It's a cheese omelet, roll, potatoes and roasted cherry tomatoes. I ate the cheese omelet and the tomatoes and went to sleep.

Hurdle #2: Arrived at the resort just in time to miss breakfast. Lunch didn't start for a half hour - nothing on the menu was Tony approved. Ordered a Greek salad, hold the flatbread.

Hurdle #3: Drinks galore - bloody Marys, martinis, cosmos, pina coladas...I order a club soda with a splash of pineapple juice then another, this is after swimming and snorkeling, so I don't feel so bad.

Hurdle #4: Tired and still hungry, knowing I will get to have my MRP is the only thing motivating me to go to the gym (especially since I am the only one working out during this vacation). I go - I kill it. Now it's time for dinner.

My plan is to have a big salad starter, followed by some yummy fish and more veggies. I will not have bread (though I want it). Tony gave me license to have some fruit this weekend and a cheat meal, which I plan to use either tomorrow night or (more likely) Sunday morning.

OK, I'm off to shower and get myself cute. We plan to go to karaoke and clubbing tonight!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The hormonster's BACK!

How is it possible that I didn't post today? I know I've been tired, but still. I e-mailed Tony today to let him know that I was feeling tired and wanted to take the day off. He said go for it, let's hit it hard tomorrow!

OK, so here's what I really want to post about.

It's COMING... Yep, for those of you who have been following - my hormonster is on its way, which means that I'm probably not going to see any progress for a couple weeks. That's okay. I've been through this before, and I know what to expect. In fact, my therapist suggested I wear a special ring that will remind me when I see it that I'm going through that time of the month so I'm more patient with myself when the scale doesn't move or I have crazy cravings or I'm impatient with my kids. So, that should help, I hope. All I have to do is hang in there, not expect miracles, but KNOW that the weight will again begin to fly off when the hormonster makes its ungracious, but much welcomed exit.

OK, I gotta go to bed. I've been falling asleep all day and am really going to regret it if I don't sign off and go to bed.

Good night!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Man, I am so close to the 170s, I can taste it!!! I know I keep saying that, but this time it's true...LOOK!

That's what I saw this morning (plus the fact that I desperately need a pedicure...tee hee!). Oh, man - I'm less than a pound away from achieving my goal of hitting the 170s before I go to Jamaica this weekend. I WILL DO IT! (And then, I'm not getting on the scale for at least a week. TOM is coming in a week.)

I had a killer workout today, too. I hit the shoulders hard. (I love watching my muscles work as I workout.) Then I ran 2 miles in 21 minutes! Woo hoo! Tonight I have a gig with hubby and have to figure out what I'm gonna wear. At least I know I'll look good!

Oh, and I measured today - down 6.25 inches this week! Woo hoo! I'm now down more than 15 inches overall!!

OK, enough said. I'm so excited and feel so good. 6 weeks down and feeling stronger than ever.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Enough is ENOUGH!

How am I? How am I? I am sane. I am abstinent. I am doing the best I can to live my life as God would have me live it. There are so many things out there that veer me off course into insanity and insane thinking.

I won't go on and on about the conversation I had with my brother today that really made me feel like binge-eating. Let me put it this way:

So often in my family, I just feel like I am not enough. (My brother did not make me feel that way, mind you. He inadvertently let me know that others in the family don't feel I measure up.) It's that feeling that no matter how hard I try, I'm just not good enough that led me to drink, to drug, to smoke cigarettes and from the very beginning to compulsively overeat. I remember once when I was about 8 years old, when my 11-year old sister had already crossed the line to being overweight, but I was still skinny (and thus, OK, by my family's standards), being sat down by one of my even older sisters for a heart-to-heart:

"You have to be careful now. You're still skinny, but you could get fat if you eat too much. Look at what happened to [sister]. You have to be careful, or you'll get fat, too."

I'm paraphrasing, of course. I can't remember verbatim a conversation from thirty years ago. It doesn't really matter what was actually said. That is what I heard. That is what I continue to hear, unless I'm in constant contact with my Higher Power and allowing His voice to fill my head. His voice tells me I am a perfect child of a loving God right now, and that all He wants for me is for me to be happy. That if I seek to serve Him, that's exactly what I will be. And so that's what I do. I can't always serve them and still serve Him; that's what they don't understand. And they forget that it wasn't that long ago - just 14 years ago - that I was struggling to keep my head above water, that I was drinking and drugging and spiraling out of control from addiction and compulsive overeating and restricting.

So, was it a good day just because I was abstinent? Even though, I didn't think to call this one or that one just to see how they're doing? (Because it's really all about them, you know.) Well, you're DAMN RIGHT, it was a good day. I had cravings - I even FORGOT to drink my myoplex shake (which is sad, because that's one of my two favorite meals of the day) and then followed Tony's direction and drank the glutamine in water. YUCK. I am willing to take direction from someone else regarding how to fuel my body and that is a damn miracle. I saw myself from about 10 different angles while I was working out and I looked GOOD. (I loved Melissa's comment on my photos. That's what I was sort of thinking quietly in my head, but worried that I was bullshitting myself.) I feed my kids all kinds of stuff in any given week that I would LOVE to have myself - chicken nuggets, pizza, pudding, hell - BREAD of any kind. But I don't. And I'm very proud of that.

I'm very proud of the woman I have become and the woman I have yet to be. And if it's not enough for my family, well, so what? Who are they to say it's not enough if it's enough for God?

On another note, I'm off to Jamaica this weekend to help a dear friend celebrate her 40th birthday. I'm coming down with a cold and this trip is JUST what the doctor ordered. Plus, I've lost nearly 15 pounds since my friend last saw me. Can't wait to see her reaction!!

OK - I gotta go to bed now. This is downright ridiculous. Good night, everyone!!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Why don't I see it??

OK - the first set of pics were taken with my computer camera and the second set of pics were taken by my husband at an entirely different angle, but why don't I see much difference? I AM IN MY DIVA JEANS! I've lost 15 pounds! I'm 2 pounds away from my lowest weight since 2005. What the hell is going on that for some reason, I look the same to me in these pics? I definitely see the difference when I look in the mirror. Well, I'll let you judge for yourself. I'm not even going to include the back shots because the pose is so different, I think I actually look better in the "before" shots. Anyway, here's the side shot.

Maybe it doesn't matter, since I know I'll see a difference in the next set of photos. But why, oh why does my mind always play tricks on me???

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Grateful for SO much...

So, I was just reading through some of the posts and came across an old post of Evelyne's that was about struggling with skin issues and going to the dermatologist with a heart full of hope. I have struggled with my skin for SO long, and finally a few months ago started to thank God for healing my skin. Every night, I thanked Him, and slowly answers started to come - someone recommended a liver flush, someone else recommended liquid chlorophyll as a supplement, I experimented and came up with a cleansing program that worked for me, my sister gave me a gift certificate for microdermabrasion (I'm going for my 4th treatment on Tuesday). As a result of all this and Tony's program of eating, my skin has gone improved dramatically (see below).

It's not perfect, but DANG! It's getting there. I can actually go out of the house without makeup. I can assure you that both sides of my face looked the same before and the improvement is equally dramatic on both sides. I had tried EVERYTHING - dermatologist's recommended prescriptions, eliminating dairy, eliminating chocolate, stringent skin care, WEEKLY facials, adn on and on - never touched my skin, bla bla bla. It was the Tony diet and the chlorophyll that finally made all the difference. I cannot believe it, but I am so grateful.

Today was a rest day. I always feel slightly off kilter on my rest days, because I don't know when to have my MRP, and I don't have that sense of accomplishment that I get from a really good workout day. That being said, tomorrow is a 6-mile run at 7:30 am with my running buddy (we're training for a 1/2 marathon next month), followed by an hour at the gym doing my Tony workout. Cannot wait! Plus, tomorrow it's 6 week pics - stay tuned!

I'm so psyched to do my pics. I really cannot wait. I was telling my husband today that I finally have the feeling when I catch sight of myself in the mirror that I LIKE what I see. I'll catch my reflection and think, wow - you look GREAT. And to think it only gets better from here!

I was running with a friend this morning and she asked me what my goal is with Tony. I said, "Probably around 145." (I currently weigh 182). She was like, "Really? Do you actually think you can ever get that small?" (She knows that I weighed 158 on my wedding day and looked very good - I wore a size 12 wedding dress.) I said, "You know - I don't know what I can accomplish, because I've never worked this hard before. But Tony thinks I can, so I think I can." I'm so glad that I believe that. I'm excited to actually see how small I can get! My husband and I were talking about next summer and the pool for some reason and I looked at him with a sly smile and said, "I'm going to be in a bikini next summer!" And he said, "Oh, good - maybe you can finally get tan all over!" Ha ha!

I'm so incredibly happy with my progress on so many levels - so happy with how my attitude and mindset have changed, so happy with how clear my skin is, and so happy with how my body looks. (I wore skinny jeans pair #2 today. I think I may go to Target tomorrow and secretly try on size 12 jeans. Just for kicks.) Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful support.

Much love,


Friday, October 3, 2008


Ok, REMIND me of this post when I'm complaining about hormonal weight gain! I am WEARING THE DIVA JEANS, which I had hoped to be wearing next week when I go to Jamaica!

Not only that, but I got on the scale this morning and guess what it said. No, really, guess! You can't guess...I bet you can't...okay, I'll tell you...


Oh man, those 170s are so close I can SMELL them and they smell GOOD! Oh wait, that's the grilled mushrooms, onions and egg whites I just ate. Hardy har!

I am so glad I muscled through my PMS/period week and waited for the big weight loss Tony promised me. I have now lost 13 pounds in just under 6 weeks. I cannot believe it. I am back to where I was at the beginning of the year, and ready to enter uncharted territory!

Today's workout was EXCELLENT! I woke up this morning at 4:45 am and went for a 40 minutes 3 mile run. then after I dropped the girls at school I went to the gym to work back and abs. one-armed rows with 35 pounds dumbbells, yo! Grrr!!! Then I rocked the 10-minute cardio like this:

Minute 1: 4.5 mph
Minutes 1-3.5: 6 mph
Minutes 3.5-4.5: 4.5 mph
Minutes 4.5-7: 6.0 mph
Minutes 7-8: 4.5 mph
Minute 8: 6.0 mph
Final minute: 15 sec at 6.5 mph, 15 sec at 7.0 mph, 15 sec at 7.5 mph, 15 sec at 8 mph

YEAH, BABY! I am on fire!!!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Happy! Happy! Happy!

Ah, how I love the hormonal off-weeks. Not ovulating, not menstruating. I feel strong, happy, on top of the world! Okay, I admit it. I sent Tony a frantic email telling him I was feeling crappy, had a crappy workout, crap crap crap. He emailed me back to tell me to stay strong and that I would be in the low 170s before I knew it. I love that man. He says exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.

I'm not going to make the same mistake as last night and stay up till midnight. Truth is, last night was ultra productive. I was on FIRE today - delivering two storyboards and an eLearning module. YEAH, baby! They are totally going to extend my contract. I can FEEL it.

By the way, stay tuned for 6 week pics this weekend. I am really excited to share them with you. People have been commenting a lot about my weight loss and I find myself double-taking all over the place (hey - my face is really, my arms are way smaller than I realized...etc.etc).

Tee hee!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Why am I still awake???

So, I wasn't going to blog but then figured I might as well include here the update I just sent to Tony...

I was up late working tonight (as you can see) and have to be at a client site all day tomorrow, then have to take my middle girl to ballet at 5 pm. I say all that to say that I may not make it to the gym tomorrow, and so tomorrow would be my rest day and the workouts would be pushed a day. Not sure, though – I prepped my hubby that I may decide to go to the gym after the kids go to bed at 8 pm. It’s so hard to tell whether I’ll have the energy.

I was exhausted all during today’s workout. I pushed myself to the limit (calf raises with 130 pounds), but couldn’t squeeze out more than a mediocre walk for the cardio. Not sure if its just because I’ve been pushing the cardio so hard for the past few days. Anyway, prayers are being said that tomorrow I’ll have the energy to get my workout in after the girls go to bed. I’d rather not take my rest day this early in the week.

In general, though, I’m feeling great. Over the hump that was most likely hormonal and the reaction to the first PMS experience since we started this whole process. Plus, your prayers and thoughts WORKED! I am actually being productive again and finally ahead of schedule on all my projects. Wee ha!!

(Let's just hope all the reviews that come in on my deliverables are favorable with minimal or no changes.)