Monday, June 29, 2009

Broken records are really annoying ...

Wow. I haven't posted in awhile. Big surprise - I've been hiding in food and using that to cope with the stress of life. I'm embarrassed to have to come back here and say, "I've done it again."

Currently, I'm reading a book called, "Lush," which is about a thirteen-year old girl who is struggling to grow up in the face of her father's alcoholism. She keeps hearing him make the same broken promises over and over again, and today it hit me: So do I. I keep promising that little girl inside of me (not to mention all my friends, family, Tony, etc., etc) ok, this time, this time I'm gonna do it. And then, something happens - my daughter gets sick, I get sick, Michael Jackson dies (it really was quite tragic for me...I was one of the biggest fans of all time when I was 13), it rains, the wind blows, whatev - and I'm back in the food.

Well, I'm not gonna tell you that this time is gonna be different. I'm not gonna tell you that, because I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of hearing myself say it and even more sick of how I feel when I don't follow through with it. So, I'm not gonna say it.

I'm just gonna do it.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A pretty good day

I don't know if it was yesterday's swim lesson that knocked me on my proverbial a** or if I'm just tuckered out from all the exercise of the past few days. Here's what my exercise has been like:
  • Sunday, 8 mile bike ride and 3 mile run
  • Monday, killer 45 min chest workout and 40 min extra cardio biking hills
  • Tuesday, 40 min run, 45 min leg workout (pressing 450 pounds, thanks very much) and 90 minute swim lesson, swimming nearly a full mile
  • Wednesday (yes, today), 45 minute shoulder workout (arnold presses with 25 lb dumbbells, yeah baby), 4 mile run in the PM

I've been a bit of an animal. I'm sort of glad because tomorrow is Amelia's surgery and I'm taking the day off from working out. Just gonna focus on my little girl.

The thing is, though, I've noticed that when I'm under stress or tired (and today falls under both categories), I'm less vigilant with my food for some reason. Today I was just hungry, hungry, hungry. Unlike other times, I did actually reach out to Tony to tell him I was really feeling starving, and he made a suggestion, which I ignored. (WHY do I do that?) So, of course then later, when I'm on my way to pick up my kids, I'm ravenous and feel entirely justified in eating a few handfuls of pretzels. White flour. My sworn enemy.

Anyway, I got through dinner and it was abstinent. I just need to say extra prayers tonight for willingness because I don't want to use tomorrow's trip to ChoP as an excuse to eat anything other than 100% clean food. I have a secret mission, remember? And I'm not going to let pretzels or bread or anything else stop me from completing it.

I'm going downstairs now to go get my magazines and work on updating my vision board as I promised Tony I would. I think I'll put one in my room, if my husband will let me. Maybe I'll put it on the back wall of my closet and just leave the door open so I can see it all the time. Hmm...good idea, girlfriend.

Later, guys.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I don't usually post about food but...

I have a couple of new salads that absolutely make my eyes roll back in my head. I mix together, romaine lettuce, broccoli slaw (shredded broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage and a little carrots), chopped green peppers, chopped celery, ff shredded mozzarella cheese and 3 oz grilled shrimp right out of the pan (sometimes I use canned salmon), I squirt on 2 T of light organic ranch dressing and mix it up and WHOA....heaven. And it tastes so healthy!!

I am doing so well. I had a great workout this morning, even added on an extra half hour run at 5.5 mph, and I was killin' it in the legs workout! Sweat was DRIPPING down my face from weights! I tell you what, before Tony, that NEVER happened.

I will make my goals this year. I will have that DreamBody. I can feel it. And I've found my prize to keep my eyes on, but I'm going to keep it to myself for now. I'll share it with you guys when it gets closer to being a reality.

Hope you're all having a great day!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Am I crazy or sane??

I tell you what - in any given day, my opinion on that subject fluctuates at least a dozen times back and forth...crazy...sane...crazy...sane...crazy...sane....AAAUGH!

I had such a lovely day today, even though my hubby had yet another gig so it was me and the girls, chillin' yet again. The day started with an AA meeting, followed by a lovely 3.5 mile rainy walk/run with my Moms in Motion team. (I added a 1/2 mile because I had to run 1/4 mile to and from my car thanks to the Summer Stroll that had the parking situation completely out of control.)

By the time I got home and got a yummy clean breakfast made and eaten, it was clear I wasn't going to get to the gym in time for the babysitting, which ends at 12. Instead, we all went to the library (I had SIX books on hold) and then to Target, where I hoped to find a craft for my kids to do as a nice gift for my hubby (even though I did find some cute $10 gifts from them - a digital coin jar, a Phillies shirt, etc.). No luck, so we all went home and I had pita chips and black bean hummus (umm...not Tony sanctioned yums) followed by a nice 1.5 hr nap with my 2 year old. We got up then, and went to five below (where we did find the crafts - bird feeders and bug catchers) and then to see "Imagine That," with Eddie Murphy (LOVED it).

I didn't do so great at the movies. Nibbled a couple of my daughter's pretzel bites, a few bites of my other daughter's pizza, and the soy crisps I had brought with me. Wasn't hungry when I came home, so that was pretty much dinner (!). Then, had dessert - won't even talk about what THAT was.

I just don't understand why I keep opting for bites and nibbles again of CRAP when I feel so much better when I'm opting to keep my food clean all day long. Tomorrow, I have plans to go over to Valley Green for a 10-mile bike ride, followed by a 4-mile run with a dear friend. My hope is that this friend can give me information about a good OA meeting I can attend regularly and a possible sponsor in that program. I really need to work on this. If I could just get a handle on the food, I think I could really conquer this last 20 pounds.

THAT ALL BEING SAID, I have had moments throughout the day where I have really stopped to appreciate where I am. I'm in size 10 jeans (mostly - some 12s), and at last weigh in was under 170 lbs. Last year this time, I was 196 pounds and squeezing into 14s. I'm really happy with where I am - and if you asked me last year if I'd be happy to be in size 10 and 12 jeans, I would have teared up and said, HELL YEAH. So, I don't want to be complacent about it, but I do want to stay sane about it. I'm really happy with the progress I have made, and I want to take it across the finish line to a maintenance size I'll be really proud of. I do have a call into Tony to get something on the calendar to get me motivated to take it to that next level. I know that's what I need.

Okay, I've gone on long enough. Just wanted to check in with you guys and let you know where I am. I'm off to attend another online OA meeting. More tomorrow!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Grateful for willingness

I continue to pray for willingness, and apparently my Higher Power has no limit to the grace He can offer me. Tonight, I went to a face-to-face Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and it was really wonderful. It gave me so much hope.

I have become willing to do Tony's Boot Camp, as I call it, where I do a liquid diet day, followed by a couple low-calorie days, followed by another liquid diet day. I didn't follow it perfectly today, but the fact that I made it to the gym and the fact that I pretty much stuck to the plan for today gives me hope that I can continue on, maybe even get a little better each day about sticking to the plan.

Anyway, I'm also grateful to have had a very productive day today. I got so much work done, and I spent the first few hours of the day taking my five-year old to CHOP to do her pre-op for next week's surgery. Still, I got good work done and lots of calls made that I needed to make.

Life is good, as long as you show up and do your part. I hope to have a reason to take some new photos in the next month or so. We are going to Florida in mid-September. I fully expect to be under 150 pounds by then. Let's go on and make it so. :)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Onward, soldiers....

So, it looks like I gained about five pounds on vacation. DAMMIT. I hate to have to admit that, but it's the truth and I need to just face it and move ON. I did do my hour of cardio, as Tony requested - ran 7.5 miles the first morning, biked 12 miles the second morning, then ran 5.5 miles the next couple of days and a slow 4 miles this morning. Where I went wrong is (a) I didn't drink enough water and (b) I didn't stick to the one cheat meal a day.

And now vacation is OVER and it's time to really get myself back in the mindset I was in before I left. Truth is, I want to get back in that mindset and figure out how to freakin' stay there. Not just because I want to get under 150 pounds and into size 8 jeans eventually (and someday have clear, glowing skin), but because I want to feel healthy and sane, proud of myself for the choices I make and how I fuel my body.

I will NOT beat myself up about this. Onward and forward. I will download my workout and get to the gym tomorrow (even though I'm EXHAUSTED from a 7 hour drive tonight) and I will plan my meals for tomorrow. Four liters tomorrow.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Looking forward to a vacation, and coming back feeling healthy!

I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Always a little bit of a scary proposition. Tony actually authorized me to have a cheat meal every day while I'm gone. Here's the kicker...I also have to start each day with an hour of high-intensity cardio, and this is in addition to the plyometric workouts he's sending me off with.

You know what? I'm looking forward to it. And it starts tomorrow. I'm going to get up early enough to head to the gym before we go. I really cannot wait to head out and on the road. The girls are really excited, and so am I. I just hope I don't forget anything.

So, what I can tell you though, is that it was a really good weekend. I was completely set up for a binge-fest - hubby had gigs yesterday and today (so I was a single mom of three little girls, which is one of the biggest triggers for me) and yesterday we were at a barbecue that was full of tempting foods and I was hungry. I made healthy choices all day, and was happy to see that I was down to 167 point something or other today. 22 pounds to go. *sigh*

Truth is, if I just stay the course, I will get there. Not sure when or how long it will take, but as long as I don't do anything that sets me up for a binge, I will get there. No more two steps forward, one step backward for me. Just one step in front of the other...slow, surefooted, and forward progressing.

And that means NO fantasizing about vacations and what I can or can't eat when I'm away. There will be a lot of wonderful things about being on vacation - uninterrupted time with the kids, sleeping late in the morning, napping in the afternoon, getting to more AA meetings, hanging out with my sister and her family. Yes, there are lots of wonderful things about being on vacation, but eating whatever the hell I want just won't be one of them. I fully intend to eat just as I have been. Hell, I may even lose a pound or two. :)

Friday, June 5, 2009

What's My Problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is. I'm a compulsive overeater. It's an eating disorder that is likened to alcoholism and is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship with food. I have suffered from this since I was about 9 years old, although I have controlled the major symptoms (with varying degrees of success) with dieting and exercise. My obsessive thoughts about food have continued.

I have been attending online OA meetings since last August and the truth is that when I am in a state of surrendering to the fact that I have this issue and am following a plan that I have committed to a sponsor (often Tony's plan) and relying on my Higher Power for guidance and direction, I am fine. Not only does the weight start to come off, but I like what I see in the mirror and I generally feel positive and happy about life and optimistic about my future. As soon as I take my will back with food, I'm sunk. I start to feel desperate and uneasy, fearful and FAT.

A couple days ago, I was in Whole Foods getting a salad and I stopped by one of the tables that was offering taste tests of a new hummus. I wanted to bring hummus with us to Martha's Vineyard next week and I justified that one little bite wouldn't hurt. Well, it DID hurt, because it screwed up my abstinence. For most people a bite or two of hummus on a pita chip is no big deal, but for a compulsive overeater, to start thinking we can spontaneously decide what should go in our mouths is just like the alcoholic thinking what harm can a glass of champagne at a wedding do?

So, I wanted to expose this to all of my blog reader friends out there in the hopes that this nasty disease can't thrive in direct sunlight. I fully expect that this will help me get to the next phase of this Dreambody Journey, which is to love myself fully and unconditionally, from the inside out.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Bye Bye Bodyfat!

So, I went to the gym this morning and ROCKED it for two hours (45 minute run, followed by an hour and fifteen minutes, Tony-style). But before I got to all that, I had my trainer in the gym do my measurements and bodyfat. I was a little nervous because as you all know, I had a pretty serious setback when my daughter got sick. Okay, so I gained 6 pounds, an inch in my stomach and 2 inches in my hips. Buuttt...I lost 3 percent of my bodyfat! For the first time, I am measuring UNDER 30% bodyfat at the gym! YAY!

Just wanted to share the joy with you guys!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Still kickin' butt and takin names...

Even though today's workout was pretty lame. My thing is just to get there and do what I can, stay the course and keep my momentum going.

So, I'm still on track, clothes are fitting better, scale is moving ever so slightly, and most important, the crazies are down for the count. God willing, I will stay on track and not get lured off by some useless cheat. We go on vacation next week, and I am determined to stay abstinent the whole damn time!

Love ya,


Monday, June 1, 2009

Persistence, not perfection, is what leads to success...

I'm hesitant to proclaim that I'm back, but I am. It was a rough weekend (rough, but fun) - we went to a block party in West Philly where my husband's band was playing, and from there on to a kiddie party to which my eldest daughter was invited. Not only was there food everywhere, it's tough to be in a family where the only one committed to eating healthy is me. Temptation is everywhere, all the time. But just for today, I want this healthy lifestyle more than I want any junky mouthful. I do so wish my hubby would jump back on the bandwagon, but I need to do it, regardless of what he does.

So, I have been getting good workouts in (not today - I was exhausted and had so much to do), and my food has been really clean. I've even been weighing and measuring! I cannot wait to be below 165 again! We're getting ready to go off on vacation to Martha's Vineyard next week. I'm so glad to be feeling good about myself before I go. And it's not gonna be lay-on-the-beach hot, so I'm psyched to get lots of time running, biking, walking and at meetings. Yeah!

I'm also psyched because I have a little bitty project starting up. It's not much, but it's something, and I'll take it! I think it's actually the start of things turning for the better. I know it could take a while, but I really think I'm going to be crazy busy by the end of this year. I hope so! :)

OK, that's it for me. I'm off to bed. My advice to anyone reading is to just hang in there and keep going! I've been at this for 10 months and I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was! Down 30 pounds and 20 more to go. I'll get there, and I can't WAIT to share it with you all when I do. And if someone were to ask me what was my secret? I'd say, it was that I never gave up.

Now, I need to get my ass off to bed because I promised someone I would get up and run with them at 5:30 tomorrow morning. Caramba! What was I thinking??