Friday, June 5, 2009

What's My Problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is. I'm a compulsive overeater. It's an eating disorder that is likened to alcoholism and is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship with food. I have suffered from this since I was about 9 years old, although I have controlled the major symptoms (with varying degrees of success) with dieting and exercise. My obsessive thoughts about food have continued.

I have been attending online OA meetings since last August and the truth is that when I am in a state of surrendering to the fact that I have this issue and am following a plan that I have committed to a sponsor (often Tony's plan) and relying on my Higher Power for guidance and direction, I am fine. Not only does the weight start to come off, but I like what I see in the mirror and I generally feel positive and happy about life and optimistic about my future. As soon as I take my will back with food, I'm sunk. I start to feel desperate and uneasy, fearful and FAT.

A couple days ago, I was in Whole Foods getting a salad and I stopped by one of the tables that was offering taste tests of a new hummus. I wanted to bring hummus with us to Martha's Vineyard next week and I justified that one little bite wouldn't hurt. Well, it DID hurt, because it screwed up my abstinence. For most people a bite or two of hummus on a pita chip is no big deal, but for a compulsive overeater, to start thinking we can spontaneously decide what should go in our mouths is just like the alcoholic thinking what harm can a glass of champagne at a wedding do?

So, I wanted to expose this to all of my blog reader friends out there in the hopes that this nasty disease can't thrive in direct sunlight. I fully expect that this will help me get to the next phase of this Dreambody Journey, which is to love myself fully and unconditionally, from the inside out.


Tina said...

I also have a history of obsessing over food...oh heck I still obsess about it even if I'm not eating. Nobody loves food like I do...and the thing is I grew up poor so I can make a concoction out of nothing like nobodies business, and think it's the best thing ever invented. I accept the fact that I will never have a normal relationship with food. For me now, I really have to look at the food and have a stop sign approach, something quick to say to the food that stops all the mental bargaining...fact of the matter is, if I have one....I'm gonna want another...then I'm gonna want something else...and the cycle unfolds. So I know what you mean. My new thing is to look at the food and sing MC Hammers song Can't touch this :) It's been working for me :)

I really want to see you get to that next phase....but don't rush will get are learning so much right now. You are making me think back to when Tony asked Mark if I had issues with Anxiety...Ha...I was so anxious to get there, I was setting myself back. Enjoy the are creating your story. I am really enjoying following it...because I know Liimu you are going to get there.

Tearose said...

aww Liimu, I have the same dam problem, this past 2 months I have been having an all out battle with binging. When I finally confessed to Tony how bad it was he really helped me. He has given me a protocol to follow when I feel the incredible urge to eat everything not nailed down. Its really tough. I have been feeling the urges for about an hour now and I think its time for the protocol..*sigh, we can overcome this!

April said...

Thinking of you and wishing you the best Liimu.

CathyC said...

Thank you for sharing, you are brave and wonderfully made. We share the same compulsions about food-we just have to learn to live and deal with it one day at a time-it will all be fine!

Healthgirl said...

You can already see you aren't alone in this. I battle daily with this as well. If I didn't struggle, well.. I wouldn't be fat in the first place. I am right with you- if its not authorized and I just "decide on my own" then I find trouble. A huge part of this is mental, but there is a very REAL physical component. I was talking with my trainer about this. For someone who hasn't had this addiction, a nibble here or there does not have the same physical response as it does for us. You know all this though. I know in the heat of the battle, logic doesn't matter. I wish I had the magic solution so we could all just workout and not feel chained to food in some way. It IS a process. Absorb the lessons and know we are here with you.