Thursday, April 30, 2009

Redefining GUTS.

I'm so proud of myself today and you know why? Because I didn't work out this morning. WHAAAAT? you say. Yes, you heard me right. I didn't work out this morning.

I was tired, dragging, felt bloated and lost. And my sister texted me and said just go - you'll feel so much better when you get there. And I had this past 7 months under my belt to be able to say, "You know what? That's not historically been the case. In the past, when I've felt this way, I've gotten there and dragged on the treadmill for 5 or 10 minutes before finally giving up and going home, anyway. I'll go later on." And I could sense the worry coming through the phone, that she worried I wouldn't go, that I'd procrastinate and do something else.

But I know me. And I know that all I needed was the chance to rest a bit and spend some time doing what I wanted to do, not what I felt I should do. And I had a KILLER workout as a result. I pushed it so hard, my heart was beating out of my chest and sweat was flying off me in all directions. I'm so glad I waited.

Sometimes it's better to follow your gut than it is to push through the pain.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Another amazing achievement!

So, today I undertook a huge project - going through my closet and the closets of my three daughters to make sure all the clothes that were out of season (e.g., fall/winter), too small, too worn or just corny were taken out. I also spent $250 at Ross supplementing our wardrobes, as needed.

Some amazing things happened. First, I confirmed that I am a size 10. I'm a size 10 in a Calvin Klein suit and a medium to a small in shirts. Wild. I've never been a small in my life. Now here's the kicker.

I get home and ask my 6.5 year old to go through the clothes in her 7/8 summer clothes bag and try on the bigger things to see if they fit or if they just look bigger than they are (she's a size 10/12). She pulled out of the bag a dress I hadn't seen since before I met my husband. I think I was 25 or 26 when I last fit it and the reason it was in with her 7/8 summer clothes is because it's a size 7/8!! Amazingly, it fit her, was just a little bit big for her. I couldn't resist the temptation to try it on myself.

Before it was even zipped, I could tell that it had shrank. It barely covered my butt. But the amazing thing is? It still zipped up!! Could not believe it. I can actually see myself getting into size 8 and size 6 clothes (though that's where I think it will end for me, folks).

This is such a wild and amazing journey!!!

Day 4, Recommitment

OK, I just have to wax poetic for a minute on some thoughts Melissa got going in me today thanks to her wonderful blog post.

I fully intend to be the regular mom who got fit and fabulous and have people saying about me what Paula said in response to Melissa's post about how being fit should be a state of mind, not a white-knuckle approach to life until you can finally relax and eat like you want to. Paula said, about Tosca Reno's podcast on the subject of how she eats that it's her job to look like that, so she has added incentive. Well, when I get fit, I will be "just a mom" for a minute, but I fully expect that at the same time, so many of my dreams will be unlocked and unleashed and then people will be saying about me, "Yeah - but look at her, she's a famous inspirational singer and she has a team of people cooking for her, training her, it's her JOB to look like that." But YOU ALL will know that it didn't start out that way. (wink!)

I am so completely with Melissa on this topic, it's amazing. I have a 10-mile race this weekend, and I fully intend to eat the same breakfast beforehand that I have had before every distance run (cinnamon-raisin bagel with natural peanut butter) and enjoy a healthy, hearty breakfast after, more for the good calories and fuel for the race as for the "I deserve it" factor. What I do, in fact, deserve is to have a beautiful body and tons of energy, which I do. I also deserve to have beautiful clothes to drape on this beautiful body, which I don't. I deprive myself of clothes that actually fit me, waiting to reach this size or that. Well today, I went into the store and bought a beautiful size 10 Jones New York suit. I deserve to have clothes that are made well and look like it. So, I will be donating a bunch of clothes to charity today that I do NOT wear and will be putting a bunch of clothes up in the attic that are too big and I will have a closet full of clothes that FIT! I love feeding my body healthy food. I love eating when I'm hungry. And I LOVE being fit and fabulous!

Day 3, Recommitment

Hey, everyone,

First, thank you so much to all you guys for reading and offering your words of encouragement, support and advice. I really do appreciate it! Second, I want to assure you that I am sticking very close to Tony and my OA sponsor to ensure that I'm not slipping back into a scenario where I'm calling the shots, which is not a healthy situation, nor is it one that leads to success.

So, today life happened - I made a stupid decision to have Vitamin Water while I was sitting in 90 degree heat at my daughter's soccer practice. I didn't want to bring ACV water because I'd already had 3 liters and they don't have port-a-potties. But I should have known that with that heat I would be HOT. So, I'll know next time just to get plain old water. What a waste of calories!

Also, for those who don't know me - I am a RUNNER! I ran the Philadelphia Marathon back in 2005 and ever since, I have run two races every year - the Broad Street 10-Mile Run in May and the Philadelphia Distance Run or the Philadelphia Half Marathon in the Fall (13.1 miles). This keeps me trained, I love to do it, and I lead a running group of more than a dozen women and I help them become runners, too. As a non-athlete my whole life, it was a freakin' miracle to me that I was able to become a runner just by finding a plan, sticking to it, and having someone help keep me accountable. I will probably be a runner for the rest of my life.

That being said, I have been close in touch with Tony about this, too. He knows I am a runner and am training for a long-distance race and he's supportive. If this means I have a body that's more likely to grace the cover of Runner's World than Oxygen three or six months from now, that's fine with me. I have to do what feels right in my heart and have to continue to be the best me I can be. Not try to be anyone else. Oh, and before anyone says anything, YES, I cleared the extra meal with Tony himself. :) I still ended up under 1600 calories and burned over 900, according to

Definitely still in weight-loss mode and light years beyond where I've been for the past few months. So, here's how my day went today. I had a GREAT day:

M1: vanilla whey protein shake w/glutamine and ¼ c. blueberries
55 minute run, 5 mile run
M2: 1/2 cup scrambled egg whites, 1/2 c oatmeal with 1/4 c sugar free syrup and 1 T flax oil
75 minute triceps workout
M3: Myoplex lite shake w/glutamine
1 bottle vitamin water
M4: 4 oz ground turkey w 1T ff cheese, 1 c. steamed asparagus
M5: whey protein shake w/1 T sugar free pudding
M6: 1/2 cup scrambled egg whites, w/mushrooms and 1 T ff cheese
M7: 2 jumbo stuffed mushrooms w/1 T ff cheese, green beans
Tea w/stevia and soy creamer

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Day 2 of My Recommitment

A good day, I think. After dinner, I made the decision to have 6 meals today, instead of 5, with two whey protein shakes after dinner, spaced a couple hours apart. I was really hungry this evening, so I figured I needed the calories. Here’s how today went:

30 minute run

M1: 1/2 cup scrambled egg whites, 1/2 c oatmeal with 1/4 c sugar free syrup and 1 T flax oil

45 minute chest workout

M2: Myoplex lite shake w/glutamine

M3: 4 oz ground turkey w/1T organic ketchup, 1 c. steamed asparagus

M4: 5 oz chicken breast, 1 c cauliflower, 3 c salad w/light ranch dressing

M5: whey protein shake w/1 T sugar free pudding

M6: whey protein shake w/1 T sugar free pudding

Total calories: 1,492

4 liters of ACV water.

Some real successes today – not a single addition that isn’t listed here – thought about adding fat-free cheese here or there, didn’t. Watched a movie with my girls and made them microwave popcorn and DID NOT EAT A SINGLE KERNEL. Ordered pizza and curly fries (at their request) for the girls and did not eat a SINGLE BITE. I’m in touch today with the fact that I cannot afford a single compulsive bite. So, I avoid it like a poison. And so far, SO SO SO GOOD!

Oh, and did I mention I have stayed away from the scale, too? YEAH, baby! Two days and counting.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Day 1 of My Recommitment

So, today went very, very well. I am SOOOO proud of myself:

M1 (8 am): ½ c egg whites, plain, oatmeal w/1 T flax oil and ¼ c sugar free syrup
Chest workout
M2 (11 am) Myoplex shake w/glutamine
M3 (3 pm) 2 oz deli turkey, 1 slice veggie slice cheese
M4 (6:30 pm) 6 oz flounder/sole, 1 c cauliflower, 2 c salad w/lite balsamic dressing, tomatoes and onions
M5 (8:30 pm) Whey protein shake w/2 T sf fat free pudding powder

The only bad part is that I didn't eat nearly enough calories. Just shy of 1,100 calories. What's up with that?? Tony??? Can I get a decent calorie range, please? Training for a 10-mile run over here! Hello???

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Up and Down

Yes, it's true. You're not seeing things. I'm up five pounds from last week. Combination of emotional eating and not getting to the gym since last Friday and I'm definitely not in a good place, at least as far as the number on the scale. I've had strep throat, for those of you who don't know, but that's no excuse for how I've been eating. In fact, most people would probably have lost weight in my situation because it has been so painful to eat. Leave it to someone with my addictive personality to find a way. My daughter actually said to me at one point, "Mommy, if it feels like you're swallowing knives, why are you eating?"

Good question.

The good news? I'm definitely still in the game. It takes a lot more than five pounds to take me out of it. I loved Tina's comment from the other day. I love the support and encouragement you guys give and I cannot WAIT to be the one giving that support and encouragement to someone else new (I'm still relatively new) who's struggling to break through a plateau. Not a weight plateau, but a mental plateau.

So, I have my food plan and workout printed and ready. I'm meeting my sister at the gym tomorrow, where we will get in really good long workouts and then back to her house for our MRP w/glutamine followed by massages. I'm looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in a long time.

It will be sunny, I will be sunny. I'm so grateful to be alive. I don't want to waste my time sabotaging my own happiness.

I'll report in more regularly, too, though it may not include weight updates as often. I'm going to try to go back to weighing once a week, rather than every day. (Whoa - I thought I just heard a cheer roar out from cyberspace.)

Monday, April 20, 2009

I'm holding MYSELF accountable, too.

I've been complaining to friends (and Tony) that I need more accountability. I've been reading the blogs and apparently I'm not alone in getting sucked in by the allure of food. And don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with enjoying carbs now and then. But I prefer to have an occasion in mind, and by occasion, I don't mean "because I felt like it."

So, I've decided to hold myself accountable, for a change. I've reactivated my FitDay account and I'm going to put my food in there, even if it's not a perfect day. Like today, for instance. I ate more than Tony prescribed, but I logged it all and it was 1700 calories. There. I said it. It wasn't 3000 calories, but it wasn't the 1200 he wanted me to eat.

Maybe if I write it down, I'll start to be more accountable and start to see some movement. I set a new goal of 145 pounds by Labor Day. Reasonable. Attainable.

It is MINE.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hanging on by a thread

I was really, really struggling today, I have to be honest. After ten days of Spring break with my 6 year old, my 5 year old comes down with a fever. She's home with me today for the second day, then the school calls and my two year old gets sent home with a 102 fever. Well, that's okay, I think, because the 5 year old is on the mend. Except that she's not. After dinner, her fever rockets back up to 102.

In the midst of all this, I get an e-mail about a job. Yay! I've been out of work for nearly two months! Yippee! Oh, then I get another e-mail - sorry, we just looked at your file and this job pays WAY less than you charge. Dang - you couldn't just talk to me about it? Let ME decide. So, now I'm really aggravated, and I'm tired, and I have to go to meet with people at my 6-year old's school at 8:30. The girls need a bath and I'm having flounder. Again. Third day in a row. Tony has me on an extreme food plan, and he warned me it would be monotonous. The only thing I can sub for the flounder is fillet of sole. Ugh.

Anyway, by the time we got the girls washed up and it was Devon's turn to meltdown (everyone took a turn - yay), this time over it being cold when she got out of the tub, I was ready to spontaneously combust, I was so irritated and aggravated. I wanted something, anything to make me feel something different. I wanted to eat so BAD.

But I didn't.

I had a carb control yogurt (which wasn't authorized, but dangit, he didn't get back to me and I was hungry and losing my mind), went off to my meeting and then came home. Now I'm off to bed, another clean day. My goal is to lose 15 pounds by June 22. Hope I can do it. I know that at least today, I did what I needed to do to support that goal.

I can't get traction.... but I try, and I try.. and I try, and I try...

So, my middle daughter has been home the past couple of days with some weird virus, and I have been doing Tony's extreme clean dieting. I'm determined to lose 15 pounds by the official start of summer. That would put me right around 150 pounds, which would be perfect. My first goal is to be under 160 by the end of April, then under 155 by the end of May. That gives me most of June to lose the last five. Reasonable, no?

I've been so tired lately. It's hard to really understand why, since I am not traditionally working these days, but I have been auditioning a lot and meeting with folks about new projects. I guess my little brain is just tired from doing the mom thing and the hustle thing.

I guess I'll go take a nap now. More tomorrow!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Post-Cheat Yuckies

Oh wow. I feel soooooo yucky. An intentional yucky, because it gets me so amped for extreme clean eating, which is what's on tap for the coming weeks.

I don't feel a need to go into details. Suffice it to say that I indulged in some organic iced brownies that I made, as well as much of the Easter dinner that my mother and sister-in-law made. I also blew off my workout today - I was sooooo tired. (Probably a carb coma.) Anyway, it's okay - I just will take today as my free day.

Tony sent me my extreme plan for the coming weeks. Not sure how long I'm gonna be on it, but you know what? I AM READY. I am so thrilled to be on an extreme plan again. Also, I made the mistake of trying proactiv and now my skin is ALL jacked up again. I'm back on my natural healthy skin care, so I'm sure that my skin will be getting nice and clean and clear just as I'm sliding into the 150s. I am THRILLED, PSYCHED, MORE COMMITTED THAN EVER!

Of course, I suppose that's easy to say as my stomach lays before me, dystended from all the stuff I ate this weekend. Talk to me in three days when I'm faint from lack of food. Remind me of how amped and eager I was to get on a clean eating plan.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Thursday check in

It has been a wonderful and challenging week. My 6 year old has been off all week for Spring break. On the one hand, I have been loving being so present with her, letting her call the shots as to what we do every day (lots of duck feeding, lots of Uno games). And I have also been surrounded by kid food all day long. I have stayed abstinent, that is the amazing thing. Today, I had a wonderful workout, despite the fact that she was crying for me not to leave her. Not to leave her? I'd been with her every minute for five freakin' days!

Anyway, this weekend, I have an authorized cheat and I have EARNED it. Tony has already warned me that there is a serious food plan on the horizon, no tweaks, no additions, weighing and measuring every bite. The good news is, I know for a fact that I will be in the 150s by the time I turn 39 on May 22.

Tomorrow is my last day with my little honey. Monday, I have two auditions and so Dad is going to be on deck. Devon and I are going to the gym tomorrow with my sister, Claudia, who just recently started with the Tone-meister. Then, probably about 8 more games of Uno before we pick up her little sister and go get pedicures. :)

I'll check in tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Leaping hurdles

Another day of hurdles...and I leapt over every one. Today, I took my daughter out to breakfast, and I made healthy choices - I opted for rye toast instead of oatmeal, but I got no butter and ignored the little nasty voice that was reminding me I could have a bagel with cream cheese or a short one would know.

Then, on to lunch. Devon ordered mini turkey burgers with cheddar cheese and fries. I felt like I was rocking it by ordering a single crabcake and the salad bar with light ranch dressing. (Tony told me later that the crab cake was not the best choice, but oh, well.) When you keep in mind the fact that my daughter was offering me a french fry every five minutes (and yes, they were the yummy Ruby Tuesday over-seasoned kind), I'm pretty proud of myself for what I ate.

I could go on and on about the things Devon offered me and the things that little nasty voice suggested I might eat when no one was paying attention. But the only thing that matter is this:

I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to eat today. Not one single bite.

So, will the scale finally move? Who knows? Who cares? I'm getting through day after day learning more about my ability to just face down the stupid temptations and the voices in my head that lure me toward them.

In other news, Tony has authorized a cheat for me this coming Sunday. He issues a dictum - cardio on both Saturday and Sunday in preparation for it - and he also said that next week, it's back to BOOT CAMP. He will be sending me a meal plan and said that I'm expected to follow it to the letter, weighing and measuring every single bite. Okay - I was going to complain about that, but he also told me long ago that I need to be positive about it. So, I'm looking forward to it and I'm going to ROCK the cheat meal in preparation. And I know his boot camp is going to skyrocket me solidly into the 150s, so that's worth it right there.

Oh, and one last thing? I went to Ann Taylor to try on some overpriced clothes and brought size 10 and size 12 pants into the dressing room. SIZE 10, EVERYONE! Officially size 10 in EVERYTHING - oh, except which I am a solid size 8! WOO HOO!

That's it for me! More tomorrow (or soon)!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Today was AWESOME.

Still no movement on the scale, but you know what? I had a GREAT day. My food was clean, and I drank ALL four liters of water (with ACV, thank you very much). I worked out even though I felt like I had been run over by a TRUCK this morning when I woke up.

Things are happening here. Really, really interesting things. I think I'm going to start working on my "project." I don't want to really say much more than that yet, but stay tuned. I'll let you guys know something soon, I promise. It will involve singing, that much I promise. :) All the more reason to lose this last 20 pounds, dang it!

Life is wonderful, crazy, rich with opportunities, ripe for the picking, if you have the courage to reach out and pluck them off the vine...

Monday, April 6, 2009

Last minute check in

So, I have a joy/triumph to share. I went out to the movies with my kids and I did NOT have pretzel bites. I did have a few handfuls of popcorn (no butter, of course), and had a grilled chicken salad and an apple, but that is HUGE progress for me. Oh, and I also got through my FIRST day without that stinkin' homemade protein bar. Apple and diet cocoa for my snack.

Tomorrow needs to be higher protein and lots of water.

I'm so sleepy, I'm going to start not making sense soon. Goodnight.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Going through a rough patch...

ARGH - I just wrote a whole, long post and lost the WHOLE THING. Now I have to get the girls to bed.

Here's the basic gist. This is getting frigging ridiculous. I have been running miles, for hours, on top of Tony's regular workouts. My food has been clean. Today I ran SIX miles, then did Tony's ab workout with a half hour on the elliptical. Maybe it's those stupid protein bars. Maybe it's my hormones (I still have my period), but the deal is that I am 169.8 tonight. And please don't tell me to stay off the scale. That's not the point. I know it goes up, goes down, etc. etc. I also know that it is REALLY HARD to stay the course when you feel like you're not making progress. People are saying I'm looking thinner than ever, and I know I'm working hard. I'm so proud that I made it through the Easter Egg hunt without eating a SINGLE BITE of anything unauthorized. I did have popcorn. And like I said, I've been having those stupid protein bars. But other than that, I have been right on target. So, what? Is my body just not wanting to let go of this weight because I haven't been below 160 since before I got married in 2001? Am I consuming more calories than I thought? Am I overtraining? Am I just impatient?

I don't know, but the truth is that I have no choice but to hang in there and find out. Well, I do have a choice but that choice sucks. I will NOT go back to where I was, so all I can do is to keep trying to move forward. I WILL see 158 before my birthday.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Weekend Check In

Well, I can't very well complain about you all not updating your blogs if mine is totally out of date, can I?

I am so proud of myself. PROUD, I tell you! Today was the third annual McGill Family Easter Egg Hunt and I planned for it! I had a good meal before it started, had protein bar and microwave popcorn available for me to eat during the course of the day. As a result, I got through the entire day without a single bite of any unauthorized food. My only complaints about the day are that I didn't drink enough water and I ate too much at the tail end of the day. Here's how it went:

M1: Whey protein w/blueberries
1 hour trail walk/run
1 hour tricep workout
M2: Egg whites w/ff cheese and broccoli, oatmeal w/berries, flax oil and sf syrup, glutamine powder
M3: Microwave popcorn, homemade protein bar
M4: Turkey burger w/ff cheese, grilled mushrooms, oven fried sweet potato, salad w/light ranch dressing
M5: homemade protein bar

I'm getting up tomorrow to run 4 miles (I think - my running partner wants to run 6) and then go to the gym...again. I have to tell you guys the truth, my body is sore and I am really tired. Will I keep up this pace forever? I'm not sure that I can.

In other news, my sister is joining Dreambodies. I'm so excited for her, and trying to be supportive without being unrealistic, realistic without freaking her out. :) We didn't talk much about it today, though she and my other sister were very sweet about noting how thin I've gotten. At one point, I was sitting talking to someone and noticed her and my other sister looking at me, and they said, "We were just talking about how thin and beautiful you are." Very nice. Love my family.

Anyhoo, it was a surprisingly pleasant day, despite the fact that I came out of the gym to find my tire flat. I feel exhausted, but happy.

So, how are YOU?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Evening Update

Hey there,

Well, I guess the day went okay. Here's how I did:

M1: egg whites, ff, mushrooms, oatmeal, flax oil, sf syrup, strawberries

Audition - ROCKED IT. Now have to decide which agent I want to have as primary! I'm an actress, everyone!

Shoulder/bi workout

M2: Myoplex shake w/glutamine
M3: salad w/grilled chicken and light ranch dressing
M4: Homemade protein bar
M5: broccoli w/soy parmesan cheese, tiny bit of bbq chicken
M6: Homemade protein bar

I know, I know - what the heck was up with M5? I ate M3 and M4 fairly late in the day, that's all I can say. It has been crazy having to go all the way down to the City for these auditions and then get back up to workout and yadda yadda.

Tomorrow, unfortunately, is going to be even crazier. I intend to go right to workout at the gym, then have plans to meet a friend for tennis. Then, I have another audition, then a doctor's appointment in the same general vicinity. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Oh, and I'm cochair of my daughter's school's diversity festival. We have a meeting tomorrow night at 8:30. AAARGGGH! How can my life be so crazy when I don't even have a regular JOB?

Quick Check In

Hey there,

I just want to commit my food for the day. I'll be at an open call much of the day and I don't want my food to get sloppy, nor do I want to miss my planned workout.

Here's the plan:

M1 Egg whites w/ff cheese and mushrooms, oatmeal w/strawberries, flax oil and sf syrup (9 am)
M2 Homemade protein bar (11 am, right before open call)
12:30 pm (I hope) - workout at gym
M3 2:00 pm - Myoplex w/glutamine
M4 4 pm - salad w/grilled chicken
M5 Grilled chicken, green beans, steamed broccoli
M6 - Homemade protein bar

I'll check in later to let you know how the day went, including my audition for a new talent agency!!!

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This is a very interesting journey I'm on - keeps my faith right on the surface of my soul, if that makes sense.