Saturday, November 29, 2008

If I can see it, I can BE it.

OK - so it took me an extra day to get back on the wagon, but dammit, I'm ON IT. No way in HELL am I letting myself fall off now, not when I'm so friggin' close to uncharted territory. I was 158 on my wedding day. I'm only a little over 10 pounds away from that. Once I get under 158, it's a whole new ball game and I'm ready to PLAY.

I sent my first draft of the novel I wrote over to a publisher to be edited. I'm freaked out a bit, because this is a dream I have wanted ever since I was a little girl and off and on since then. I really, really, REALLY want to be a writer for a living and it shocks me that here I am, at this crossroads, ready to throw my hat in the ring. Then, I read Tea's Dream It, Believe It, Achieve It blog where she talks about how important it is to see your vision and where she has her ticker counting down the nearly 125 pounds she's lost to date. It's mindblowing and clearly the Universe's way of reminding me that if I can see it, I can be it.

Oh, I can see it. I can see my book settling at #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List, getting optioned into a movie and then a TV series. I can see my nonfiction book developing a huge underground following. I can see being a key player on the motivational speaking circuit. I can SEE IT. I'm ready to be it.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Can I puke now?

Tony gave me my Thanksgiving cheat meal and I feel like I am going to puke. Is it Friday yet? I feel like I may never eat again.

PS I saw 169.6 this morning. YAY, ME!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I have been recreated.

Now this is not to say that I won't be recreated again. And again and again and again.

But I have been recreated.

At the gym in my hotel this morning, I was surrounded by mirrors. You know how it is. Every where you look there you are: from the back, from the side, from the front, layers and layers of your own reflection. For most people, this might not even register as a fact worth mentioning. For others, it is the worst part of working out at a hotel gym. That used to be me. I used to avoid looking in those mirrors at all costs. Just a few months ago, I used to look in the mirror and think, "Jabba the Hut. That's what you look like. Jabba the Hut."

Today, I thought, "You. Are. Thin." I don't know how I got here. And I certainly still have outfits that don't flatter me in the way my tiny tank top and skin-tight leggings apparently do, but dammit, I'm PROUD of the fact that I like the way I look in the mirror today.

Oh, and I suppose it helps that...


I crossed the finish line at my exact goal time: 2 hrs, 30 minutes (and 8 seconds, but we won't count that...)


For the record, I am now a beautiful, fit, healthy ATHLETE.

Tell your friends.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Miles to Go Before I Sleep... (13.1 to be exact)

I was that girl in gym class who always got picked last for every team. 20 minutes into class, there I'd be, me and some other awkward, visibly NOT athletic kid would be standing, silently praying to either get picked next (at least I wasn't picked last) or spontaneously burst into flames.

Flash forward 25 years and I have redefined myself as an athlete. In 2005, I began the year wanting to run a 10K, but secretly adding to my very own Bucket List that I wanted to run a marathon before I kicked it. By the end of the year, after hours of planning and many, many miles of running, I had run the Philadelphia Marathon in just under 5 and a half hours (no walking, no stopping - except once to hit the port-a-potty at around mile 12). That experience was a huge turning point. It was the point I got Beyond My Stuff around being overweight, or unattractive, or old, or a girl. It was the point I released all those limiting labels and became ... an elite athlete. (Seriously - that's what it said on my Marathon Certificate.)

Once I had the label, elite athlete, I didn't want to let go of it. I made the decison that every year, I would run the 10-mile Broad Street Run in the Spring and a half-marathon in the Fall. That's what brings me to where I am today, laying in bed, blogging about the fact that in a little over 8 hours, I will be running in the Philadelphia Half Marathon, my third half-marathon. As I picked up my race packet (noting with a smirk that they still assume that of the two of us, my 6'2", 230 pound husband must be the one running the race), I walked with a little more strut in my Stuff, knowing that this is no longer a big deal for me, it is a tradition.

No matter what the scale says (and it happens to be pretty darn close to the 160s, I might add), I am an athlete. I fuel my body in a way that allows my body to function at maximum efficiency, and I strive to let go of excess fat so that I can perform better, not so that I'll turn an extra head or two (although I fully intend to do that, also). I order my race shirts in Medium, not Extra Large, because I'm now a regular-sized, fit, toned athlete.

Tony rocks. And I rock because although he gave me the guidance as to how to get to this place, but I was the one who followed it.

OK - I'm falling asleep. Pray for me, everyone. I cannot wait to come back and report that I ran it successfully (and in under 2.5 hours, if I have my way!)...


One by one, checking them off the list.

OK, I'm not WEARING my size 12 jeans yet, but I am getting them zipped and am almost ready to wear them! I think I'll be able to check that off the list. But the big news is that this morning, I stepped on the scale and saw (drum roll please...)


That means I am two pounds away from my goal of being under 170! That was my goal before Christmas, and I might hit that before Thanksgiving! (Which is what I told Tony was my goal.) Tomorrow is the half-marathon and assuming my food will stay clean (which it will), I KNOW I will see 169 before Thanksgiving. I KNOW IT! That means, I can hit my New Year's Eve Challenge goal of 165 by New Years. NO PROBLEM!

This morning, three people commented on how much weight I've lost. I feel great. I LOVE being abstinent and in shape! 13 pounds from now, I will officially weigh what I weighed on my wedding day! For the first time since then! How cool is that???


I'll post tomorrow night and let you guys know how the half marathon went. I hope to break the 2.5 hour mark. (How do people run marathons in under 2.5 hours? I can't fathom it...)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Day 2 - I know it will get easier...

...I just have to hang in there.

The night time is the worst. As dinnertime descends, I start fantasizing about all the stuff I could possibly eat for dinner - pizza, hoagies, stromboli, spaghetti and meatballs...oh, yum yum yum. I know I should never let my mind go there, but it just goes. It goes and goes and goes...and just for today, I'm so grateful I didn't go with it.

Driving home, I was racing the clock as it tick tocked toward the 6 pm day care cutoff (when suddenly with each minute that passes we incur some ridiculous charge). I called my husband to ask him if he would take care of dinner and he said he would. I walked in the door and saw the familiar Wawa bag...containing hoagies and Doritos and Cheddar/Sour Cream Ruffles. AAAUGH! Exactly the foods I've been slipping and sliding on for the past three weeks.

In the bathroom, I sat and said aloud, "I will eat an abstinent dinner tonight...I will eat an abstinent dinner tonight...please God, let me stay abstinent." Then, I went to the phone and texted my therapist and Tony that I was struggling. Within minutes, Tony had left me a voicemail: "A hoagie isn't worth it...stay strong...have an apple and some tea...stay strong..."

And I did exactly that. It is NOT worth it. Not because I want to lose another five pounds. For once, it is NOT about losing weight. It's about staying sane. For the first time in weeks, I was happy today. ALL DAY LONG. I have the same stress, the same pressure, the same issues in my life. But today, they didn't seem too overwhelming. Today, watching my daughter's Thanksgiving show and hearing her say that the one she was thankful for was her mom and dad loving her, my eyes welled up with tears and my heart felt as though it would burst with gratitude and love for her. When I received an e-mail and then a phone call about potential work for next year, I chose to see it as a sign from God that 2009 will be a year as full of abundance as this one was, if not more.

I want to hold on to that hopefulness, I want to build upon it and strengthen my spirituality through abstinence. Thanksgiving is coming and yes, I'm fantasizing about the food. I'm thinking about going out to a restaurant - not sure which is safer. Ordering a Whole Foods dinner (knowing we may be left with tons of leftovers) or taking everyone out to a Thanksgiving dinner. I am so grateful to be abstinent tonight. I want Thanksgiving to be about something else than food.

I want to hold on to that hopefulness, I want to build upon it and strengthen my spirituality through abstinence.

Didn't I just say that? Let's close with that, because THAT'S where I want to be. THAT'S my truth tonight.

Love, Liimu

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm a survivor!!

I am so blessed. Really and truly blessed.

It's amazing to me that I feel so hopeful and optimistic, despite what's been going on with me.

I found out last week (as I mentioned in my last post) that one of my major contracts was not renewed into next year.

My 6-year old daughter had major oral surgery (five fillings and a tooth extraction) that took four hours, the same day I had a major deliverable due for my other client, who is still deciding if they will renew into 2009.

I had until midnight to finish the project, and it was so much work, one of the team members actually said he didn't think we needed to push to get it done in time for next week's training. Unacceptable, in my mind. I'm always gonna push to get achieve the impossible.

In the midst of all this, my food has been sloppy, and I haven't been able to workout as regularly or as intensely as I have in past weeks. Normally, this alone would be enough to completely debilitate me, emotionally.

Last night, I prayed. Prayed and prayed and prayed. Prayed that God would give me strength to get through the day without binging or compulsively overeating today. Prayed that God would keep my daughter safe and get her through the surgery without incident. Prayed that God would somehow help me to get this project finished. Prayed that God would give me peace about the work, where it's going to come from, how I'm going to continue to pay for everything, what I'm going to be doing next year.

Today, I felt so happy and peaceful and hopeful and optimistic. No matter what was going on, I felt sure that everything was going to be okay. And guess what? I did complete my project, and got to be at the hospital with my daughter to boot. (And my wonderful husband took the day off and spent the day with Devon so I could work.) I know tomorrow will be even more wonderful.

I'm going to be doing the first official episode of "Beyond the Stuff," a new online talk radio show about how to get beyond the Stuff in our lives: the material stuff that is definitely weighing many of us down in this economy, as well as the non-material stuff, like our assumptions about what we can and can't be, our self-imposed limitations, our fears, etc. I will be joined by four other women as we do our own View-like show. Tune in and check it out!

Not much change in the weight for awhile. Still holding steady at around 173. I cannot WAIT to hit the 160s! I'll keep you posted when it happens!

Stay tuned for more...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Something strange is happening...

Have you ever had the feeling, in the midst of getting some really bad news, that it's for the best? I don't mean that fake smile you give as the tears stream down your face, keeping a stiff upper lip as you say bravely, "No, no, it's fine...I'm sure something better will come along." I mean when you really know that something better is coming, know it so definitively that you aren't even upset by the devastating situation you find yourself in.

That's how I felt today when I found out that my client wasn't renewing my contract next year. Is that strange? Is that crazy? It's not the first time it's happened.

10 years ago, I was stunned when the leader of my band, the first band I'd ever been in, the only band I'd ever been in, the band that brought me to my future husband, casually announced he wouldn't be needing me anymore. Not only did this mean I wouldn't be singing anymore, it meant I wouldn't be spending time with my guy - at shows, at rehearsals. And my ego was bruised beyond recognition (as it is now, I suppose). But I remember so clearly, my head on my husband's chest, my tears soaking a huge spot in the front of his flannel button-down, then looking up at him and saying, "The thing that's so strange is that even as I'm sitting here, crying so hard about this, I know something better is coming along." A few months later, I was back in the band, subbing in for one of the singers who hadn't shown up. A few months after that, I was the only singer (still a sub). A few months after that, when the bandleader quit dramatically, the band looked to me to lead them. And I did. I didn't know when I was sobbing at having been summarily dismissed from the band that I would be leading it just a few months later.

I have that same feeling now. That the Universe is opening up space in my life for something. Something phenomenal. Something beyond my wildest dreams. So, am I scared that I don't know what that is? Sure, I am. Am I scared that I don't have guaranteed income beyond next March? Darn skippy. But you know what? I'm excited, too. Because the Universe has never, NEVER let me down before.

Food's clean today. I didn't get my workout in, but I hope to get it in tomorrow. Not sure if I will, but I sure will try. I'll be hitting it hard this weekend, whatever happens.

Take care, y'all.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Releasing the Refined Carb Demons

Five days have gone by since I last posted and that is just not acceptable. I would love to say that it's because nothing has happened and all has been just completely hunky dory.


My family was in town. That's always been a huge trigger for me. I always find myself comparing my insides to their outsides. My kids to their kids. How can my 3-year old nephew be more advanced with reading than my 6-year old? How is it that my sister has all three of her kids in activities, and I can't get any of mine to continue with even one thing consistently? Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter...DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING I CAN PUT IN MY MOUTH TO SHUT THIS BRAIN UP???

Ah, ziti. That will do nicely.

Then, there's all the medical crap that continues to plague us - the toe walking, serial casting, dental nightmares. Oh, and yay - add to that lice and flu season and we're just having a ball over here!! By the end of the day, I feel like my head is going to explode if I don't loosen the lid just a hair, just a smidge, ahhh....garlic bread...that did it.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why, oh, why do I feel like only refined carbs give me relief? Especially now that I have used my amazing powers of deduction to ascertain the source of my acne is that very same demon - REFINED CARBS. I kid you not - I give in and have one lousy serving of french fries and I have two new pimples the very next day.

Why do I still eat it? Because I'm sick. And God willing, I will wake tomorrow feeling better and having the clarity and presence of mind to remember that carbs will only make me feel sicker. That peace of mind comes from getting my food even CLEANER, not from mucking it up.

That's all I have tonight, folks. I'm saying prayers that tomorrow, I will have some peace of mind about all this stuff. If you're of a mind to add prayers of your own, I'd appreciate it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up...

I'm struggling. There, I said it. I have seen it happen to so many others, and I'm not sure why I thought I was invincible. I'm definitely not.

Last week, I shared here about the drama with all my kids and their medical issues. My own troubles began when Tony gave me permission to have pizza on the night Amelia got carved up by the doctors at CHOP. For some reason, I found myself giving MYSELF permission to eat what I wanted for the rest of the week. On Tuesday night, we had a power outage and went out to dinner. I was eating off everyone's plates. Friday night, I went out to dinner with DH and again, gave myself permission to have WHITE bread, fried yams, everything but dessert. Then, we went down to my mother in law's (which is a trigger spot for me, anyway) and I gave myself Saturday night and Sunday. Ugh. So, yesterday I was like - ok, I'm back on track.

Was on track Monday and Tuesday and then today at dinner, here I go again....made oven fries for the girls and decided to throw some on my plate. ARGH! Why can't I get my mojo back? I'm stalled at 174.6 and if I keep up this attitude, I'll stay here FOREVER. I really want to get into the 160s. I haven't been there in over three years! How do I push through this and get there?