...I just have to hang in there.
The night time is the worst. As dinnertime descends, I start fantasizing about all the stuff I could possibly eat for dinner - pizza, hoagies, stromboli, spaghetti and meatballs...oh, yum yum yum. I know I should never let my mind go there, but it just goes. It goes and goes and goes...and just for today, I'm so grateful I didn't go with it.
Driving home, I was racing the clock as it tick tocked toward the 6 pm day care cutoff (when suddenly with each minute that passes we incur some ridiculous charge). I called my husband to ask him if he would take care of dinner and he said he would. I walked in the door and saw the familiar Wawa bag...containing hoagies and Doritos and Cheddar/Sour Cream Ruffles. AAAUGH! Exactly the foods I've been slipping and sliding on for the past three weeks.
In the bathroom, I sat and said aloud, "I will eat an abstinent dinner tonight...I will eat an abstinent dinner tonight...please God, let me stay abstinent." Then, I went to the phone and texted my therapist and Tony that I was struggling. Within minutes, Tony had left me a voicemail: "A hoagie isn't worth it...stay strong...have an apple and some tea...stay strong..."
And I did exactly that. It is NOT worth it. Not because I want to lose another five pounds. For once, it is NOT about losing weight. It's about staying sane. For the first time in weeks, I was happy today. ALL DAY LONG. I have the same stress, the same pressure, the same issues in my life. But today, they didn't seem too overwhelming. Today, watching my daughter's Thanksgiving show and hearing her say that the one she was thankful for was her mom and dad loving her, my eyes welled up with tears and my heart felt as though it would burst with gratitude and love for her. When I received an e-mail and then a phone call about potential work for next year, I chose to see it as a sign from God that 2009 will be a year as full of abundance as this one was, if not more.
I want to hold on to that hopefulness, I want to build upon it and strengthen my spirituality through abstinence. Thanksgiving is coming and yes, I'm fantasizing about the food. I'm thinking about going out to a restaurant - not sure which is safer. Ordering a Whole Foods dinner (knowing we may be left with tons of leftovers) or taking everyone out to a Thanksgiving dinner. I am so grateful to be abstinent tonight. I want Thanksgiving to be about something else than food.
I want to hold on to that hopefulness, I want to build upon it and strengthen my spirituality through abstinence.
Didn't I just say that? Let's close with that, because THAT'S where I want to be. THAT'S my truth tonight.