Saturday, January 31, 2009
The not so good news is that my food is still sloppy. I’m not sure, but I wonder if maybe I’m feeling too restricted. Like, maybe if I knew when I was going to have a cheat meal, I could hold on better until the authorized cheat meal? Right now, I feel like I’m never again going to get an authorized cheat, so I just authorize it myself. I don’t know…maybe I’m justifying. I really don’t understand why I struggle with this whole thing of eating according to plan. Can only think that maybe the plan needs adjusting.
Anyway, I have an e-mail into Tony. We'll see what he says. And the gym tomorrow, for sure. Can't wait!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Then, when the hormonal fog lifts a bit, I swear I feel like I've got my own little band of bluebirds chirping around my head and happy Disney music playing as I skip along on the treadmill or press 80 pounds off my chest.
Anyhoo, I was rockin' a pair of size 11 (juniors) Calvin Klein skinny jeans today, and was feeling a fair amount of sass in my step. That old familiar, I'm-pretty-damn-hot-for-nearly-40-with-three-kids feeling. I'm feeling confident again that I'll be seeing the other side of 160 (the 150s, that is) before the Spring thaw. Works for me.
Tony said a funny thing the other day when we finally connected by phone. I had told him that I was worried he was disappointed in me for falling off the wagon again and explained that for a minute, I allowed my belief in myself and my ability to achieve my dream body to waver.
"Not acceptable," he said, simply. "You'll see. One of these days, you'll be at 135 and you'll have those abs ripped and it will take just a couple pounds to get to that perfect body and you'll struggle with that, too, and this will all seem unreal, that you ever worried about being able to get that far. You can never lose faith in yourself. You can never stop believing that you can do this. You are doing this." I was quiet for a moment, then finally opened my mouth to share the one thing that was still bothering me about what he'd just said.
"135, Tony? Really? I don't think I've weighed 135 since I was, like, 9 years old."
He and I both got a good chuckle out of that one.
Monday, January 26, 2009
"you deserve that."
I leaped off the scale, surprised by the anger I heard in the small voice that broke the early morning silence of my downstairs bathroom. What the hell was that about? Was I really eating so that I'd see that number go up, because in some way I felt I deserved to see the number go up? Was I sabotaging myself, and if so, why?
I thought back to the previous weekend I'd spent with all my sisters flitting around me like beautiful butterflies, tending to each other, their children, their needs, while I sat in their midst waiting for them to touch down on my flower and suck from my stamen. My petals were wilted, my stem laying on the ground from all the activity. I hadn't realized I'd felt so drained until this morning, when I realized that I'd fallen completely to the wayside during that day. Not only that, but I'd gone to them with my petals fully opened, every color exposed, waiting for them to say how sweet I smelled, how beautiful my hues, how much I brightened the room. As much as I told myself I was happy to serve them, the truth is, the experience left me feeling less than, feeling like my beauty paled in comparison, my successes nothing when placed against the backdrop of my sister's glamorous invitations to the inaugural balls and high-powered clients.
This morning, when I realized that I had fallen into my old trap of eating and regretting it, it was the first time I realized that it was tied into this feeling of being less than. Like no matter how much I succeed, I will never fully measure up. No matter how hard I work on my body, someone else will always be the beautiful one in the family. No matter how successful I am, someone else will always be the business mogul. No matter how my creative exploits take off, someone else will always be the intense creative one. This is why I drank, people. Because I felt like the only role that was left in my family was the role of the royal screw up. If I was going to be the best at something in my family, the only thing left was to be the biggest disappointment.
Now, I know today that is CRAP. I know that left to my own musings, I am pretty damned amazing, and getting more amazing with each passing day. I know this venture of Beyond the Stuff is on its way to impacting people positively on a global scale - to bring hope and encouragement to millions, that is what I have the power to do if I cast the negative thoughts aside like an annoying gnat buzzing through my field of vision. I know that I am no longer on a path of self-destruction. I'm on a path of enlightenment and beauty.
So, to those of you out there who have people in your life who make you feel small or cause you to question your own value (even if they don't say anything, sometimes old dynamics run deep), I say BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. You always have the power to create your own internal script, you can be your own cheerleader. And when the voices that are making you feel small are your own, I offer you advice I got from one of my first sponsors: Say to the Committee in your head:
"Thank you for sharing. We're not gonna go there today. Maybe tomorrow. I'll get back to you."
And then go on about your business, the business of being FABULOUS.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a six year old, who happens to think I'm the most amazing woman who ever walked on this Earth.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I will commit a plan for tomorrow – I know that’s a good idea. I also commit to meditating tonight and praying/meditating tomorrow. I also commit to an online meeting tomorrow.
60 minutes of walking
Egg whites with grilled vegetables and soy cheese, oatmeal w/blueberries and flax
Squash soup, veggie burger w/soy cheese (no bread), one svg rice cakes
Whey protein shake
Turkey burger on one piece light wheat bread, grilled mushroom and onions, soy cheese, oven fried sweet potato fries, mixed greens
Monday, January 19, 2009
And no, before you get all your comp bikini bottoms in a bunch, I didn't eat any of them. But DAMN, I wanted to. I was literally salivating. (I'm salivating a teensy bit now just thinking about it.) The only thing that saved me was realizing that (a) I can have cookies when I have my next cheat if I really want them that bad and (b) no way would I be satisfied with one cookie, so that means I'd end up eating the remaining 16 cookies that my children did not eat. Not acceptable. Not at all. That would easily be 1600 calories!
I am determined to hit the 150s. Seriously bound and determined. I have hit one big milestone, which is that I am consistently fitting into size 12 jeans. This is an amazing achievement that I have not been able to claim since before I had children, I think!
Today was a very clean day. Devon and hubby and I all went to the gym and I rocked my leg workout. I'm up to leg pressing 315 pounds for a set of 12. Yay me! I'm looking forward to achieving my goal of pressing 400 pounds at some point soon. I also had a couple good runs before and after my workout. My ending cardio ended with a half minute at 9.0 mph! Yeah baby!
OK - I'm off to bed. Just haven't checked in for awhile and so wanted to let you all know how I'm doing.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I had such a good workout today. It was a chest crit, and for one of my running intervals (3 minutes), I ran at 6.0 mph, then 7.5 mph, then 9.0 mph for a full minute!!
Anyway, I'm tired, still have to return some phone calls (maybe I'll wait until tomorrow). But GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING.
I'm so blessed and grateful. I think I secured at least one project, which will get me through June, and hope to have a couple more by the end of February. My talk show, Beyond the Stuff, has really begun to take off. We've finished our first recording and are starting to attract the attention of agents, casting directors and producers.
2009 is going to be a PHENOMENAL year, folks. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Monday, January 12, 2009
...wondering how three weeks has gone by with no change in my weight at all. Okay...that's a lie. My weight went down to 169, and as of this morning was back up to 173. Ugh. It is SO not okay for me to keep bouncing around 170. I want to be bouncing around 145!
I opened the doorway to a nasty little place I like to call "CrazyTown." In CrazyTown, it makes sense to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich followed by a bowl of cereal with chocolate soy milk. In CrazyTown, it doesn't matter that the scale has been steadily creeping up and up. There are no calories in food no one sees you eat, right? Kind of like that tree that goes down in the middle of the forest when there's no one there to hear it? (Psst...the tree makes a lot of noise. The cereal has tons of calories.)
I had a hard time figuring out why I was feeling so funky for the past few days...why I didn't seem to give a rat's a** about eating anything. Yesterday, we went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and I didn't get anything to eat. When my husband asked me why not, I told him I couldn't get excited about being abstinent, but I could no longer get excited about being non-abstinent. So, I didn't know what to eat. So, I wasn't going to eat. (I did end up eating, for the record.)
Anyway, ENOUGH. I'm so over CrazyTown. Yes, I'm still feeling a little crazy. But I will feel a lot LESS crazy once I get these carbs out of my system and get back on track. Tony's plan WORKS. I have 25 pounds to lose. I fully intend to lose them by my 39th birthday (May 22). I fully intend to be 145 by this summer.
This is the year of ME.
Good night, everyone. I'll check in with you to let you all know how I'm faring tomorrow.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
"I had a challenging situation today when our insurance company informed us that they would not be covering Devon's oral surgery from last November and the total charges were close to $16,000. I will not freak out, and I ask that all who read this send positive, miracle-generating vibes into the Universe that this will be resolved in a miraculous way. The oral surgeon certainly never told us it could be anything close to that amount, so my hope is that they will be reasonable and charge us a reasonable amount for his work. I know my faith is strong and I have so much belief in the miraculous, positive, abundant workings of the Universe."
First, thank you to those who did send the positive, miracle-generating vibes into the Universe that this would be resolved in a miraculous way.
Yesterday morning, I got a call from the dentist's office. It went like this.
"Oh, sweetie," the young lady from the office said, with concern and compassion in her voice. "I got your message last night and my heart just went out to you." My voice was shaking even as I answered her.
"Yes, we're pretty freaked out," I stammered. "What are we going to do?"
"You don't have to do anything," she said, reassuringly. "We are going to take care of it, like we said we would."
"But Aetna said it was going to cost $15,000," I weeped.
"Yes, and we knew they most likely would not cover any of it, but we submitted to them, anyway, on the off chance they would cover something. And we also knew we could count on your copay ($250). It must have really scared you to get that letter. Unfortunately that is sort of standard for that to get sent out, but I assure you, we were prepared to take whatever we got from them..."
"...even if that's nothing?" I couldn't help but interrupt.
"Yes, even if that's nothing. You are totally fine. You are good. Everything is taken care of."
A miracle. And when I got off the phone, I burst into tears, not just from relief at this particular situation being resolved, but because the situation affirmed what I wanted so much to believe: that the Law of Attraction is real. I have so many things I intend to have happen this year:
- My first novel published to be met with huge critical acclaim and financial success, including getting picked up by NBC and made into an emmy-winning TV series.
- My talk show, Beyond the Stuff, getting nationally syndicated and leading to huge success through merchandising, workshops, public appearances and book deals.
- My gospel demo inciting a bidding war from record companies.
- My consulting company taking in more than a half million dollars in revenue, all from staffed projects that require nothing more than my high-level oversight.
And if the Law of Attraction is real, then these things are already taken care of. I have released into the Universe the what, and the How and When are not my concern.
Thanks again to all of you who got behind the miracle of the Law of Attraction around the dental bill. I am so truly, truly blessed and thank God for every one of you.
Today was a nasty, slow, low-energy day. And so what? I'm gonna have those. I had three sugar-free puddings after dinner (that's counting the one I still intend to have...ha ha). But I also got my TOM today, and I have my clothes laid out for a kick a** workout tomorrow.
You know what? This was the first holiday season I can remember that I didn't gain 10-20 pounds between Halloween and Christmas. In fact, I was up only 2-3 pounds and Aunt Flow just showed up. I even reached my goal of being back under 170 by the end of this week. The main difference was that even though there were days (ok, let's face it ... weeks) when I was off Program and floundering around in a sea of Uncrustables and mini Clif bars, I was still struggling to get back on track - emailing and texting Tony, drinking my water, hitting the gym to do my workouts.
I know this is going to be the first year that I actually look forward to the summer, that I'm able to buy a new, sexy string bikini and ROCK it. While we're on the subject, how's this for an inspirational photo?
OK, I clearly need to turn it in for the night, don't you think?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
And so here we are...back on track.
I have some pretty intense and lofty goals for 2009 - under 170 by the end of this week. 165 by the end of this month. Under 160 by the end of February. Under 150 by my birthday in May!! In addition to that, I'd like to have a waist under 30 inches by May and be able to run the Broad Street 10-mile run at a nice, 10-minute pace. What a miracle THAT will be!
I had a challenging situation today when our insurance company informed us that they would not be covering Devon's oral surgery from last November and the total charges were close to $16,000. I will not freak out, and I ask that all who read this send positive, miracle-generating vibes into the Universe that this will be resolved in a miraculous way. The oral surgeon certainly never told us it could be anything close to that amount, so my hope is that they will be reasonable and charge us a reasonable amount for his work.
I know my faith is strong and I have so much belief in the miraculous, positive, abundant workings of the Universe. It will all work out for the best. But today's miracle is that I did NOT eat over this. I had a healthy breakast, a healthy lunch, a healthy dinner, and a KICK A** workout! (I even ran at 10.0 mph for ten whole seconds!!)
OK, that's all for now. Just wanted to let everyone know how I'm doing. 2009 IS GOING TO ROCK!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Speaking of which, I decided to hit it extra hard in the gym to make up for the missteps while in Florida. (Melissa, I'm so sorry I didn't catch up with you while we were there...we're coming again in the Fall. Maybe we can make it work then. It was a little crazy with the holidays and trying to get business wrapped up by the end of the year...) Anyway, I nearly threw my back out after a two-hour workout that included an ab crit and a bi/tri workout. Phew!
But I do feel pretty proud of myself. Today the food was clean, the workout was killer, and I am so confident that I will be back under 170 by the end of the week (was 174 this morning), will be 165 by the end of January, and will be under 160 by the end of February. (See the revised goals to the right...)
Hope everyone else is hanging tough! Happy New Year, all!!