My Independence Day

Happy 4th of July everyone!

For many people, the 4th of July is about laying by the pool, or about hopping from cookout to cookout, eating tons of hot dogs and hamburgers, potato salad, chips and that cake that's iced to look like an American Flag. Hell, I have to admit that I looked forward to the cookouts and the pigouts more years than I care to admit.

This year, the 4th of July is not about eating (for once). It's about freedom. Freedom from compulsive eating AND from compulsive dieting. It's about freedom from addiction of all kinds. It's about freedom from poverty (I start a fabulous new project on Tuesday - YEAH!). It's about freedom from illness - dramatic, life-threatening illness, like the Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever that my 6 year old faced last year, and from mundane health issues like acne or achy joints. This July 4th, everyone is healthy and happy (and two of my daughters are even swimming, unassisted). It's about freedom from self-pity or martyrdom, freedom from being overwhelmed. Freedom!!!

I woke up this morning without my alarm, as I do every morning, and turned on a mindful meditation MP3 to start my day off right (thanks, Tony D for that...I still do it daily). Then, I got up and made my coffee, read my meditation books and wrote a couple pages in my journal. Ate a yummy vitatop muffin on my way to the trails, and then ran a quick and totally fun 5 miles with one of my dearest friends before the heat became unbearable. Came home and made a yummy protein-rich breakfast, and got the girls together to watch the July 4 relay races. It was hot, kinda boring, and then not one, but two of my three daughters had to pee. We went to the pool to use the bathroom - locked. The community hall, locked. The library, of course, locked. I looked at my girls and said, "You know what? This isn't flowing. Let's go home." "Are you mad?" they asked. "Nope, not mad. Just going with the flow."

Home we came, where they are playing learning games on the computers and in their new workbooks, while I catch up on the blogs, which are long overdue for an update.

I am so grateful to be free today. Not just free in the sense of living in a free country, though of course, I am also grateful for that. But for so many years, I was a prisoner in my MIND, which is so full of shoulds and should nots, I could never hear what I wanted to do in any given moment. Today, I am free to live each moment committed to health, sanity, and joy. And I truly, TRULY thank God for that.

Freedom and love to you all!

Love, Liimu

I'm doin' it!! I'm eliminating!!!

And it's not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm really enjoying it actually! Okay, I don't yet have a "perfect" day under my belt (I realized at around 3 pm today that my beloved almond milk is full of sugar). But I have a house stocked with foods I can eat and I am really enjoying the foods I can eat! Oh, and did I mention that I manifested my secret wish to have a personal chef and hired someone to cook a month's worth of lunch and dinners? And they are SOOOO yummy!

My skin is slightly worse but thanks to the power of Google, I have reassured myself that this is simply a symptom of the toxins working their way out of my body. Yay! And I still have over a week before my show - I'm sure my skin will be clear and beautiful by next Saturday. I'm envisioning myself under 160 by then, somehow.

I'm still closely in touch with Tony. He has something up his sleeve for me, I can tell. He wants me to weigh in on Saturday and then start some intense kick-butt program, not to weigh in again until Halloween. He is determined to get me down to 130. I cannot imagine getting down that low without cutting off one of my larger limbs, but that's neither here nor there. Tony has done more with less determined people than I. If he says it can be done, it will be done.

Last night, I didn't get home from rehearsal until after midnight. I'm going to bed early. Take care, and stay focused! The only thing keeping you from your dreams is your ability to hold on to them and never let go.

Looking forward to a vacation, and coming back feeling healthy!

I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Always a little bit of a scary proposition. Tony actually authorized me to have a cheat meal every day while I'm gone. Here's the kicker...I also have to start each day with an hour of high-intensity cardio, and this is in addition to the plyometric workouts he's sending me off with.

You know what? I'm looking forward to it. And it starts tomorrow. I'm going to get up early enough to head to the gym before we go. I really cannot wait to head out and on the road. The girls are really excited, and so am I. I just hope I don't forget anything.

So, what I can tell you though, is that it was a really good weekend. I was completely set up for a binge-fest - hubby had gigs yesterday and today (so I was a single mom of three little girls, which is one of the biggest triggers for me) and yesterday we were at a barbecue that was full of tempting foods and I was hungry. I made healthy choices all day, and was happy to see that I was down to 167 point something or other today. 22 pounds to go. *sigh*

Truth is, if I just stay the course, I will get there. Not sure when or how long it will take, but as long as I don't do anything that sets me up for a binge, I will get there. No more two steps forward, one step backward for me. Just one step in front of the other...slow, surefooted, and forward progressing.

And that means NO fantasizing about vacations and what I can or can't eat when I'm away. There will be a lot of wonderful things about being on vacation - uninterrupted time with the kids, sleeping late in the morning, napping in the afternoon, getting to more AA meetings, hanging out with my sister and her family. Yes, there are lots of wonderful things about being on vacation, but eating whatever the hell I want just won't be one of them. I fully intend to eat just as I have been. Hell, I may even lose a pound or two. :)

What's My Problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is. I'm a compulsive overeater. It's an eating disorder that is likened to alcoholism and is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship with food. I have suffered from this since I was about 9 years old, although I have controlled the major symptoms (with varying degrees of success) with dieting and exercise. My obsessive thoughts about food have continued.

I have been attending online OA meetings since last August and the truth is that when I am in a state of surrendering to the fact that I have this issue and am following a plan that I have committed to a sponsor (often Tony's plan) and relying on my Higher Power for guidance and direction, I am fine. Not only does the weight start to come off, but I like what I see in the mirror and I generally feel positive and happy about life and optimistic about my future. As soon as I take my will back with food, I'm sunk. I start to feel desperate and uneasy, fearful and FAT.

A couple days ago, I was in Whole Foods getting a salad and I stopped by one of the tables that was offering taste tests of a new hummus. I wanted to bring hummus with us to Martha's Vineyard next week and I justified that one little bite wouldn't hurt. Well, it DID hurt, because it screwed up my abstinence. For most people a bite or two of hummus on a pita chip is no big deal, but for a compulsive overeater, to start thinking we can spontaneously decide what should go in our mouths is just like the alcoholic thinking what harm can a glass of champagne at a wedding do?

So, I wanted to expose this to all of my blog reader friends out there in the hopes that this nasty disease can't thrive in direct sunlight. I fully expect that this will help me get to the next phase of this Dreambody Journey, which is to love myself fully and unconditionally, from the inside out.

Life is good and getting better!

What a beautiful day we had today.

Hubby and I were aligned in our desire to spend the day together as a family, which was so nice. Doesn't always happen - we often do a date night and then spend time individually with the kids but are sort of two ships passing in the night here in the house. Well, today we wanted to do something all together. We didn't even spend any money!

First, I decided to take the day off from working out. (I hadn't had a day off in over a week.) We took the girls to feed the ducks - the weather was beautiful - and then out to lunch. Then, we all went to Target to buy some bike helmets and other accessories (ooh...maybe I'll go for a nice long bike ride tomorrow) and then came home to do some biking outside. I laid down with the baby and got an hour nap, and then got up and hung with the family for awhile before having my yummy dinner of stuffed mushrooms and green beans while they all had pizza. Then, I had my newest favorite dessert - cottage cheese w/sugar-free, fat-free chocolate pudding, aka chocolate mousse, while finishing up some work for my brother.

Tomorrow, I hope to get details about a new work project. Thank GOODNESS! Pray for me, that it will come through and will be the bridge back to continuous work and income!!!

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day. Can't wait to hit the gym tomorrow!!!

Love, Liimu

Down FIVE pounds already!!!

I can't believe it. I hopped on the scale this morning and was THRILLED to see 190.5!! I started this whole journey at 195.6, so that is a full FIVE POUNDS down the first week! I just have to stay the course.

Today was a difficult day, I'm not even going to lie. I woke up STARVING (and pretty much have stayed that way all day). I ate M1 at 6:30 am (egg whites w/veggies and oatmeal w/flax), then meal 2 at 10 am after a 3 mile run (whey protein w/glutamine – I added about five strawberries because I was really pooped and still had my workout to do), then worked out (an hour and a HALF – what up? I was DYING), then had the myoplex shake (M3) at about 12:45 pm. I was starving all day today! I ended up reheating the rest of the egg whites and veggies at about 2 pm (M4), but was hungry again an hour later. I just had a salad with grilled chicken and lite dressing (a little bit of shredded carrots and cabbage in the salad), and am nervous because by my count, that’s already meal 5 and it’s not even 4 pm!!!

The good news is that I'm still pushing myself, pushing myself, pushing myself. I ran three miles this morning (my girl that I run with was going close to a 6.0 mph pace - I had to walk twice), and then at the gym, I did a 3.5 mph warm up for 10 min, then did 2 sets of abs, then did 7 min on the elliptical at level 15, 115 strides/min, then a couple more sets of abs, then 5 min on the stepper at 35, then a couple more sets of abs, then did a full 20 min BFL cardio - 3.5, 4.5, 5.0, 5.5, because Tony had me doing a final 20 min of treadmill to complete the workout. I got on the gym floor at 10:30 and it was 12 on the dot when I finished. And I was DRENCHED.

No wonder I'm losing weight at this pace. I can SEE it. I can see my body changing and I can see my perspective about my body and my own beauty changing. When I look in the mirror, I already like what I see. Imagine how much I'm going to like it in a couple months, when I'm actually in a size I'm happy with, when I can wear little shirts that hang perfectly over my flat abs.

LIFE IS GOOD. And I am feeling this, y'all!!!

I still don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this day with only one more meal, but oh, well...