Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Second Nature, Part Two

I continue to be amazed by how second nature eating healthy has become. I continue to be amazed at the fact that I can trust myself, as it pertains to food. 

I trust myself.

I've never, ever felt that way, sad as it may sound.

A couple weeks ago, the Sunday after my period ended, I woke up As I was making my coffee, I noticed out of the corner of my eye homemade chocolate chip cookies sitting in a baggie at the edge of the counter. Those would go well with coffee, I thought to myself out of nowhere.

I took the cookies and my coffee into the living room and happily ate them. More chocolate please, the tiny voice urged. I went back into the kitchen and retrieved a baggie filled with dark chocolate-covered cashews and almonds that I hadn't touched in weeks. I ate a couple servings and then felt satisfied. 

I kept waiting all day for my healthy palate to kick back in, but all day long my body asked for things it hadn't wanted in months - a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, pizza for dinner. I texted Mal throughout the day, confused and frustrated:

Me:I just had a bit of a moment...with two chocolate chip cookies and some dark chocolate covered almonds. I think I’ve been slipping down the dieting rabbit hole a little bit, focusing on weight loss so intensely, and bounced back in the opposite direction. Just wanna stay honest. Logged it and will do my best to hit targets still

Mal  A treat every so often won't hurt, I think we will be okay :)

Me:    I’m so off today it’s so frustrating. I don’t know what’s going on - not able to get in a groove with meditation, journaling, all of it

Mal:    It’s normal to have these days. You’re human. I know you have mental fortitude to get through it and not let this funk win. Feel it, acknowledge it, try to keep giving into cravings to a minimum and trust you will have a better day tomorrow. Don’t even worry about sending me food today. This doesn’t mean go crazy with your food but I want you to relax about it and just enjoy the evening. But remind yourself of the progress you’ve made. We absolutely do not want to derail and lose that. You’ve done so awesome, you’re just having a day. 

And to my pleasant surprise, the next morning, I was completely back on track.

Today was another example. Something feels off with my supplements (call has been placed into my doc, but I have to muscle through in the meantime) and I've been tired all day despite sleeping a full night each night. Today, I decided to just give in to cravings and have Starbucks for breakfast (skinny macchiato and a light breakfast sandwich) and the craving to have cereal with fruit for lunch. In the past, that kind of start to the day would have made me feel like there was no point in trying and would lead to a full on binge day (or week). Today, I decided to just log it and do my best to get good percentages overall. I removed the carbs I would usually have from dinner and opted to have a high protein peanut butter protein shake for my snack and just like that, my calories and percentages were back on track. 

I'm not weighing myself weekly anymore. My wellness team wants me to drop into deeper surrender to Divine's will for me, trusting my body, trusting myself and trusting Divine. Weighing weekly is about looking for outcomes. Having faith is about action without evidence or outcomes. I do have faith, and so I'm weighing monthly now. I still hope that I'll get on the scale and see 8 or even 10 pounds gone. But the truth is that I know I'm taking good care of myself today, one day at a time. If it takes a little longer and that's what Divine wants for me, so be it. 

I'll check back in after August 1 to let you know, either way!

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