Second Nature, Part Two

I continue to be amazed by how second nature eating healthy has become. I continue to be amazed at the fact that I can trust myself, as it pertains to food. 

I trust myself.

I've never, ever felt that way, sad as it may sound.

A couple weeks ago, the Sunday after my period ended, I woke up feeling...off. As I was making my coffee, I noticed out of the corner of my eye homemade chocolate chip cookies sitting in a baggie at the edge of the counter. Those would go well with coffee, I thought to myself out of nowhere.

I took the cookies and my coffee into the living room and happily ate them. More chocolate please, the tiny voice urged. I went back into the kitchen and retrieved a baggie filled with dark chocolate-covered cashews and almonds that I hadn't touched in weeks. I ate a couple servings and then felt satisfied. 

I kept waiting all day for my healthy palate to kick back in, but all day long my body asked for things it hadn't wanted in months - a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, pizza for dinner. I texted Mal throughout the day, confused and frustrated:

Me:I just had a bit of a moment...with two chocolate chip cookies and some dark chocolate covered almonds. I think I’ve been slipping down the dieting rabbit hole a little bit, focusing on weight loss so intensely, and bounced back in the opposite direction. Just wanna stay honest. Logged it and will do my best to hit targets still

Mal:    A treat every so often won't hurt, I think we will be okay :)

Me:    I’m so off today it’s so frustrating. I don’t know what’s going on - not able to get in a groove with meditation, journaling, all of it

Mal:    It’s normal to have these days. You’re human. I know you have mental fortitude to get through it and not let this funk win. Feel it, acknowledge it, try to keep giving into cravings to a minimum and trust you will have a better day tomorrow. Don’t even worry about sending me food today. This doesn’t mean go crazy with your food but I want you to relax about it and just enjoy the evening. But remind yourself of the progress you’ve made. We absolutely do not want to derail and lose that. You’ve done so awesome, you’re just having a day. 

And to my pleasant surprise, the next morning, I was completely back on track.

Today was another example. Something feels off with my supplements (call has been placed into my doc, but I have to muscle through in the meantime) and I've been tired all day despite sleeping a full night each night. Today, I decided to just give in to cravings and have Starbucks for breakfast (skinny macchiato and a light breakfast sandwich) and the craving to have cereal with fruit for lunch. In the past, that kind of start to the day would have made me feel like there was no point in trying and would lead to a full on binge day (or week). Today, I decided to just log it and do my best to get good percentages overall. I removed the carbs I would usually have from dinner and opted to have a high protein peanut butter protein shake for my snack and just like that, my calories and percentages were back on track. 

I'm not weighing myself weekly anymore. My wellness team wants me to drop into deeper surrender to Divine's will for me, trusting my body, trusting myself and trusting Divine. Weighing weekly is about looking for outcomes. Having faith is about action without evidence or outcomes. I do have faith, and so I'm weighing monthly now. I still hope that I'll get on the scale and see 8 or even 10 pounds gone. But the truth is that I know I'm taking good care of myself today, one day at a time. If it takes a little longer and that's what Divine wants for me, so be it. 

I'll check back in after August 1 to let you know, either way!

Becoming Second Nature

I've admitted that I was fairly insane when it came to dieting and weight loss up until December of last year, when I realized how far from loving myself I had really ended up. And not only loving myself, but loving those around me, whom I claimed to love fully and unconditionally.

Now that I'm seeing clearly, and have regained sanity in this area, I continue to be amazed by how easy it it is to intuitively handle situations which used to baffle me. (For those of you in recovery, you'll recognize that phrase. Not a coincidence.)

Back during my crazy days, there were situations which really used to throw me completely into a carb-laden tailspin - vacations, holidays, birthdays, road trips, weekends, evenings, illness, celebrations...

I remember a trainer barking at me in frustration that if I was going to keep going off the rails every time I celebrated a birthday in my house, he was going to forbid it. (That didn't go over well with me, as you can imagine.)

The first couple months of quarantine, I didn't face much in the way of temptation. On Easter, I indulged in Easter candy (nothing was off limits, because I wasn't dieting) and was curiously disgusted at how the sugar caused me to go unconscious. I didn't like that and I didn't want it to happen anymore, so I sat down and wrote a list of the things that would comprise my new abstinence:

Safe sweeteners - maple syrup, honey, coconut sugar, raw turbinado, fruit juice

Whole grains, or Dave’s killer bread

No fast food or junk food

3 liters of water a day

5 servings of fruits and veggies a day

3 servings of protein

NO DIETING

This is when I began baking - sweet potato pecan pie, blueberry pie, cake, cookies and brownies from scratch. I noticed that when I cooked from a mix, even if it was branded "organic," I had some version of the same experience, where the food called to me from the kitchen, trying to convince me to have it at breakfast, lunch and dinner. And maybe a little more even later at night. When I cooked from scratch, that didn't happen. In fact, I could walk by the thing multiple times a day and maybe not have any of it at all. 

As the months progressed, I became more willing to look at my calories and macros, and eventually became willing to make sure the calories were coming from healthy foods.

When we realized we were going to have to take a road trip to take my 17 year old to complete a standardized test, I started to get really nervous. So many times, a vacation or road trip had completely derailed my progress. I can remember going to Disneyworld with the best of intentions, journaling about taking my healthy snacks into the park on days 1 and 2, and about eating everything in sight by day 7 - gaining the regular 8-10 pounds by the end of the trip. (Not exaggerating.)

Granted, this trip was only an overnight stay, but the drive was 6.5 hours. I could do a lot of damage in 6.5 hours with snacks bought a roadside gas station. I planned out both days, but that didn't mean anything. I'd done that before.

My day started as any other - two glasses of lemon water, a green drink and coffee. Before we left, I made my planned smoothie with an extra scoop of protein to keep me sated as long as possible. To my pleasant surprise, it kept me satisfied until we pulled into the hotel at just before 5 pm. I felt into what I wanted and ordered it, then plugged it in to LoseIt.com. You can imagine my glee when I realized that my percentages were nearly perfect and my calories too! 

I texted Mal to say:

"It was crazy because I didn’t stop for lunch - I had made myself a high protein shake before we left and then when we got here, I ordered what I wanted and plugged it in - not going crazy but not depriving myself - and voila! Is it possible this is becoming second nature??"

Her reply:

"That’s AMAZING!! You’ve come a long way and it’s so awesome. Now you KNOW you’re capable of this and I can tell it’s given you a lot of confidence."

I have come a long way. And it's not just lip service - I can and do trust myself. During this quarantine, I've enjoyed Mother's Day, my birthday, my husband's birthday, Father's Day, July 4 and a road trip, and not only have I not gained any weight, I've lost weight! And more than that, I'm sane and peaceful. 

God's got this, and so do I!

The Weight is Over

Tomorrow is weigh in day. Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale after a period of what I thought was super clean eating and consistent exercise only to find I had gained weight. The devastation and despair this caused led me to finally (I believe) surrender and begin to have faith, not just in Divine, but in my body and myself. I began to really hold myself accountable and think through each choice I was making, consciously deciding to only take action I could be proud of. At the end of my first week following my decision to surrender, I was thrilled to step on the scale and see nearly three pounds gone.

It's now the end of week 2 following my surrender and I can confidently say that I have not only stayed consistent in my healthy habits, I've also added a killer playlist to my workouts so they've all been intense - leaving me sweaty and quivering after only 20-30 minutes of exertion. My mindset has been great, too. I've been meditating several times a day, sometimes as many as four times in one day, including consistent visualization of the body that's coming. And, I've been using great language, because I really do believe that I'm on the other side of the precipice and I've leveled up and into this new version of myself I've been becoming for so very long.

And yet, a small, quiet, tentative voice in the back of my head whispers, "But what if it's still not working?"

You see, there were so many times that I swore I was doing everything right, eating all the right foods, taking all the right supplements, saying all the right words, and still that damned scale wouldn't move. I can look back now and see that I was eating out often (and who knows what the hell they are cooking with and how many calories it has) and my workouts were low intensity at best. My portions weren't controlled and there were many days when my calories were well above 2000 and even more days when I just didn't log at all. So was I really doing everything right?

That's not what my life is like now. Now, I'm actually holding myself accountable to Mal and letting her know every day exactly what I'm eating and how intensely I'm exercising. More than that, I'm listening to my body and giving her what she needs - nothing more, nothing less. I'm loving myself today. 

So if I get on that scale tomorrow and I haven't lost weight, I will know that my body is intelligent and that it is doing exactly what it needs to do to get me to where I want to eventually go, but it will be in Divine timing, not my timing. And Divine's way of doing things is always going to be equal to or better than mine.

I'll check in tomorrow, however briefly, to let you know how it goes. 

Who Do You Think You Are?

The amazing thing about writing a blog that very few people read is the freedom it gives you to say what's really on your mind, unedited, unapologetic. The past few nights, I've felt inspired to get honest and share what's going on with me, how I'm feeling, where I'm at. I don't check my word count, and I'm not concerned with making sure I'm hitting all the right hashtags. I'm not posting on all my social media sites with clever images and a link back to this site. This blog has become for me a confessional, a chronicle, and a place to hold myself accountable. This is a one-day-at-a-time process for me, and even though I know now that God has the final say in this Recreation, I want to be sure I'm carrying out His marching orders every day.

And that's where it's gotten interesting recently. See, in the past, I always got my marching orders from outside of me - a book, a trainer, a doctor, a mentor, a friend, a magazine, really anyone might have the latest plan, program or diet for me to follow that I'd hope and pray would be the golden ticket to having a healthy body. In some cases, it worked for awhile - I got within 5 pounds of my wedding day weight on Dreambodies back in late 2008 and stayed there for nearly a year and a half before getting pregnant with my fourth child in 2010. 

What's interesting this time around is that although I have guidance coming from different places - the Gabriel Method team, my trainer, my spiritual mentor, my doctor - at the end of the day, I'm relying on my inner guidance, which I choose to believe is from my Higher Power, for my final marching orders. I trust that inner voice today, and I cannot remember the last time I felt that way.

Take today's food, for instance. I have been consistently hitting my target calorie range and macro percentages for weeks now, and today I did my normal tweaking to hit my numbers, but when I bit into the fried chicken breast I'd included for myself for dinner, it just left me feeling...unsatisfied. I took a couple bites, and then realized I was just not enjoying it at all. I took it back into the kitchen and swapped it for a thigh and a wing and adjusted my numbers. At the end of the night, my calories and my fat percentage were a little high, so I texted Mal to let her know. Her response:

These days are totally okay once or twice a week and you’ve had an excellent week. This is also not the worst I’ve ever seen at all, so I can live with it!

I was really glad to get that feedback from her, but even without it, I knew that I was taking good care of myself today by getting the extra fat and flavor. What's amazing to me is that for the first time in my life that I can remember, I'm able to trust myself and what my body is telling me above everything else. And that's not just with food. I'm finding myself lighting up at certain suggestions (adding a green drink in the morning, doing HIIT cardio interval training) and shutting down at others (not yet, yoga). I'm actively co-creating with Divine this new version of myself, and I'm sovereign in my choices.

There's still a part of me that looks to someone outside of me for validation and approval; that may never change. But there are a lot of things that have changed, not the least of which being that just for today, I'm taking fantastic care of myself each day, and I'm becoming someone that I really freaking love and trust. I think that's pretty awesome.

Redefining Recreation (SPOILER ALERT - There is a God and it's NOT me...)

It's been well over a year since I last posted and so much has changed. I'll save the best for last, and just take you through everything, one at a time.

First, in December of last year, I realized that I had no idea how to unconditionally love myself. If I was sticking to my diet and exercising, I was worth loving. If I wasn't, I wasn't. Simple as that. Not only was that sick behavior keeping me miserable and in battle with myself, it was extending out beyond to my kids, even to my Higher Power! I was in a constant power play with my kids, trying to gently coerce them to change their eating habits or how much they were exercising, not out of a concern for their health alone, but because I worried that they wouldn't be loved by the external world if they didn't. And why did I worry about this? Because it's the conditions I placed on loving myself, and whether consciously or unconsciously, it became my belief that it would be the conditions that everyone else would place on loving me and on loving them, too. Here's where it gets really heavy - I had to check myself and realize that they DESERVE my unconditional love, regardless of what they eat or how they look or who they love or what they believe. They are my CHILDREN. Of course I love them unconditionally! I was devastated to realize that maybe I hadn't been, actually. And so I immediately owned that and let it go. And in letting that go, I would begin the process of learning how to love myself unconditionally, too.

It took me a few more months to realize how my Higher Power factored into the equation, but I'll get back to that.

I became willing to seek the help of a personal trainer (again), and as soon as I sat down with her, I knew Mal would have my back and would help me get to where I truly wanted to go. You see, she didn't start talking about food plans, calories and macros (even though she has literally written a book on all that stuff). She explained that our progress was going to be measured by my STRENGTH, COMMITMENT, and HEART, rather than my measurements, weight or calories. She plunged right into my soul, and got to the core of what matters to me, what's actually IN my control. Is it any wonder I jumped all in with both feet, signing up for five days a week of in-person, CrossFit-style workouts?

At the same time, I was reading a book one of my close friends had recommended, called The Gabriel Method, which suggested that a fat body sometimes wants to stay fat for some reason that is completely out of our control - either because it is afraid of famine because of years of chronic dieting, or because it's feeling unsafe in some other way. This also resonated with me as part of the solution, and I immediately signed up for their "Ultimate Coaching Experience," which included monthly mentoring sessions, monthly alternative therapy sessions (e.g., cellular release therapy, tapping, etc), full access to their private Facebook group, as well as weekly access to their brilliant founder, Jon Gabriel.

For the next few months, I focused on learning and changing. I consistently completed Mal's workouts and began to undo the damage from years of chronic dieting and trying to control my situation through sheer force of will. For the first three months, I didn't weigh myself at all. I allowed myself to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it and simply added in supplements, healthy fats and live foods to start giving my body the nourishment it needed.

In mid-March, I realized I should probably get a sense of where things stood, from a measurement perspective, as my size 18s had long since become too tight, and it was becoming uncomfortable to even go up and down stairs, let alone do anything beyond the 20-30 minute workouts Mal was sending me to do at home, due to the stay at home orders.  I was shocked and disheartened to see that my weight had reached an all-time high of 264 pounds. At 5'4", I was technically bordering on morbidly obese.

My team reassured me that this was a necessary by-product of getting off the dieting roller coaster, and that my weight would one day level off and then eventually start to decrease. I heard what they were saying, and in my prayer and journaling time it had come through that the weight wouldn't start to come off until somewhere around the six-month mark, but it was still making me crazy that despite working out five days a week and following the Gabriel Method plan of eating, I had still only lost a whopping 3.2 pounds over a 2.5 month period, landing at 260.8 as my lowest weight.

In May, I turned 50. My spiritual mentor recommended a doctor who could do more in-depth blood testing  to see what havoc menopause and perimenopause may have wreaked on my body. I learned that my cortisol levels were through the roof all day long, despite twice daily meditation and sleeping more than 9 hours a night (albeit interrupted 2-3 times by nighttime bathroom needs). She recommended adrenal and cortisol support, as well as a progesterone supplement to balance out the high estrogen levels in my blood. Immediately upon taking the supplements, I felt less irritable and had more energy. I started doing a Couch to 5K run/walk program three days a week on top of my CrossFit workouts. I began seriously watching my macros, and started keeping them at the 40% carb / 30% protein / 30% fat my trainer recommended. After two weeks, I optimistically hopped on the scale.

261.

I had actually gained weight. How the fuck was that possible? I was hitting my macros! I was running, for God's sake! I was taking my supplements daily without fail. How could I not be losing weight?

Mal suggested I try to shoot for a lower overall caloric intake - ranging between 1400-1600 rather than the 1700-1800 we'd been targeting. She also suggested I try to make sure those calories came from good clean food, rather than processed food. What the hell difference would that make? I thought. A couple hundred calories can't make that much difference. And isn't a calorie a calorie?

But I did it anyway. And I cried and cried at how hopeless I felt. I was doing everything right, I thought to myself. I was doing all the things. Why isn't this dream coming true? Why isn't this new version coming into my reality?? I even started seriously considering volume liposuction. I told everyone who would listen, including God, "If I haven't gotten down to at least 230 by September, I'm getting that surgery."

My friends and family were supportive and understanding. My sister even agreed to come help take care of me during the surgery, if I needed her help. But in my quiet time, I prayed:

"What do you want from me, God? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to do? Please, one way or another, you need to help me. You need to give me a sign. What am I supposed to do?"

Then, my sister told me about a daily devotional she had been reading on miracles. I asked her to send it to me and she did. The very first day, I got this message:

"The path to a miracle is always through uncomfortable territory. The source of a miracle always comes in an unexpected way. So what do you do when you're on this road? You don't fret. You don't fear. You don't try to figure it out."

Well, I had been fretting, and fearing AND trying to figure it out...for years! It went on:

"You just have faith. You trust God and say, 'I don't know how God is going to do it, but He will do it." If God tells you to do it, even if it doesn't make sense, you do it. Even if going in that direction, or to that location, or to talk to that person doesn't make sense, you simply obey God and do what he tells you to do. And then, you get ready for a miracle."

Well, I'll be. That's pretty straightforward.

A couple days later, I had a scheduled call with a nutritionist who had been recommended by the doctor who did my blood work. She was explaining her methodology, and it was completely aligned with the Gabriel Method and what I had already been learning. I explained what I had been doing and she said it sounded like I was doing all the right things. Then she paused and asked me, "But do you believe that you are going to be able to lose this weight?"

For once, I really stopped to think about her question. I dug deep down to see what the answer was that was in my heart.

And the answer was no.

Tears streamed down my face as I confessed to her (and subsequently to myself and to God) that I did not believe that I would ever be able to lose the weight without extreme measures, like a crazy diet or a major surgery. And in that moment, I realized, I had not had faith. I had not believed. God had been here all the time, ready to perform Her miracle, and all She asked was that I say the magic words: 

"Lord, I believe You can do it."

My friends, it was like a complete spiritual awakening in that moment. I could see what I had never before been able to see, which was that as long as I believed that I had to do it, I was lost and destined to fail. But as soon as I became willing to believe that God could and would do it, and that all I had to do was to get still in the morning and ask for guidance and then follow that guidance when it comes, I could settle down and get ready for my miracle.

Which is what brings us to the restart of this blog, and the redefinition of "recreation." When I started this whole process, it was about me recreating myself, but what I now realize is that I am actually being recreated. It is a co-creative process where God is the Creator and He guides me around what I need to do to support Him in the process of recreating me. Part of what Divine is asking me to do is to praise Her name, and let everyone know that with God ALL things are possible. I've seen it in my personal life, I've seen it in my career, and I've shared with anyone who would listen about the miracles that She has performed in those areas of my life for decades.

He's about to perform a pretty big miracle right here and I want to shout it to the rooftops, real time, as it happens. If you have an experience of God working a miracle in your life, with your health or in any area at all, please comment! I am all about amplifying the miracles that abound in a life built on faith. 

I'll be back soon with more to share. Let the Co-Creation BEGIN!

The Journey Begins Again...

Well, my Facebook weight loss challenge starts tomorrow and my online trainer is also going to officially have me on board and starting his crazy workouts, not to mention the fact that I’m in the midst of my half-marathon training for the Philadelphia half-marathon in November. As such, I had to get myself out to the trail this morning for a four-mile run, despite the fact that my husband, who ran it yesterday, said it was a bit of a mess. This trail has been somewhat of a sanctuary for me for sometime now. In 2005, I ran my first marathon and did all my training runs there, running without music, meditating on various parts of my life for often four or five hours at a time. When I had my third child and got to the point of my pregnancy where I could no longer run, I missed the trail like an old friend. In fact, one of the first places I went to after getting out of the hospital was Valley Green.

So, I felt a little bit violated on its behalf when I saw the downed trees and gauged out roadway, all the various damage from Hurricane Irene having had her way with my trail. A little less than halfway through this morning’s run, I came upon a 50-yard length of trail that was covered in huge boulders and rocks (see photo). As I slowed to a cautious walk, I realized the lesson this new trail had to teach me. Despite how attached we are to the things we love and the way we love to do things, all things are subject to change. The only thing we have control over is whether or not we embrace the change.

In that moment of epiphany, I decided to enjoy the walk break and the change in muscle groups that were being used. I hopped right back into my run after I cleared the rocks, and I sloshed through mud and waded through branches on the other side, being overcome by seas of cross country high school boys, I giggled to myself at my ability to stay the course. This was no longer just a run, it had become an adventure. This was also a perfect analogy to my life. I could either buckle under the pressure of the rocky times, or I could enjoy the change of pace and look forward to the smoother roads ahead.

This weight-loss journey I am about to embark on will be a challenging one, different from ones I have faced in the past but equally surmountable. I look forward to sharing it with you.