Becoming Second Nature

I've admitted that I was fairly insane when it came to dieting and weight loss up until December of last year, when I realized how far from loving myself I had really ended up. And not only loving myself, but loving those around me, whom I claimed to love fully and unconditionally.

Now that I'm seeing clearly, and have regained sanity in this area, I continue to be amazed by how easy it it is to intuitively handle situations which used to baffle me. (For those of you in recovery, you'll recognize that phrase. Not a coincidence.)

Back during my crazy days, there were situations which really used to throw me completely into a carb-laden tailspin - vacations, holidays, birthdays, road trips, weekends, evenings, illness, celebrations...

I remember a trainer barking at me in frustration that if I was going to keep going off the rails every time I celebrated a birthday in my house, he was going to forbid it. (That didn't go over well with me, as you can imagine.)

The first couple months of quarantine, I didn't face much in the way of temptation. On Easter, I indulged in Easter candy (nothing was off limits, because I wasn't dieting) and was curiously disgusted at how the sugar caused me to go unconscious. I didn't like that and I didn't want it to happen anymore, so I sat down and wrote a list of the things that would comprise my new abstinence:

Safe sweeteners - maple syrup, honey, coconut sugar, raw turbinado, fruit juice

Whole grains, or Dave’s killer bread

No fast food or junk food

3 liters of water a day

5 servings of fruits and veggies a day

3 servings of protein

NO DIETING

This is when I began baking - sweet potato pecan pie, blueberry pie, cake, cookies and brownies from scratch. I noticed that when I cooked from a mix, even if it was branded "organic," I had some version of the same experience, where the food called to me from the kitchen, trying to convince me to have it at breakfast, lunch and dinner. And maybe a little more even later at night. When I cooked from scratch, that didn't happen. In fact, I could walk by the thing multiple times a day and maybe not have any of it at all. 

As the months progressed, I became more willing to look at my calories and macros, and eventually became willing to make sure the calories were coming from healthy foods.

When we realized we were going to have to take a road trip to take my 17 year old to complete a standardized test, I started to get really nervous. So many times, a vacation or road trip had completely derailed my progress. I can remember going to Disneyworld with the best of intentions, journaling about taking my healthy snacks into the park on days 1 and 2, and about eating everything in sight by day 7 - gaining the regular 8-10 pounds by the end of the trip. (Not exaggerating.)

Granted, this trip was only an overnight stay, but the drive was 6.5 hours. I could do a lot of damage in 6.5 hours with snacks bought a roadside gas station. I planned out both days, but that didn't mean anything. I'd done that before.

My day started as any other - two glasses of lemon water, a green drink and coffee. Before we left, I made my planned smoothie with an extra scoop of protein to keep me sated as long as possible. To my pleasant surprise, it kept me satisfied until we pulled into the hotel at just before 5 pm. I felt into what I wanted and ordered it, then plugged it in to LoseIt.com. You can imagine my glee when I realized that my percentages were nearly perfect and my calories too! 

I texted Mal to say:

"It was crazy because I didn’t stop for lunch - I had made myself a high protein shake before we left and then when we got here, I ordered what I wanted and plugged it in - not going crazy but not depriving myself - and voila! Is it possible this is becoming second nature??"

Her reply:

"That’s AMAZING!! You’ve come a long way and it’s so awesome. Now you KNOW you’re capable of this and I can tell it’s given you a lot of confidence."

I have come a long way. And it's not just lip service - I can and do trust myself. During this quarantine, I've enjoyed Mother's Day, my birthday, my husband's birthday, Father's Day, July 4 and a road trip, and not only have I not gained any weight, I've lost weight! And more than that, I'm sane and peaceful. 

God's got this, and so do I!

The Weight is Over

Tomorrow is weigh in day. Two weeks ago, I stepped on the scale after a period of what I thought was super clean eating and consistent exercise only to find I had gained weight. The devastation and despair this caused led me to finally (I believe) surrender and begin to have faith, not just in Divine, but in my body and myself. I began to really hold myself accountable and think through each choice I was making, consciously deciding to only take action I could be proud of. At the end of my first week following my decision to surrender, I was thrilled to step on the scale and see nearly three pounds gone.

It's now the end of week 2 following my surrender and I can confidently say that I have not only stayed consistent in my healthy habits, I've also added a killer playlist to my workouts so they've all been intense - leaving me sweaty and quivering after only 20-30 minutes of exertion. My mindset has been great, too. I've been meditating several times a day, sometimes as many as four times in one day, including consistent visualization of the body that's coming. And, I've been using great language, because I really do believe that I'm on the other side of the precipice and I've leveled up and into this new version of myself I've been becoming for so very long.

And yet, a small, quiet, tentative voice in the back of my head whispers, "But what if it's still not working?"

You see, there were so many times that I swore I was doing everything right, eating all the right foods, taking all the right supplements, saying all the right words, and still that damned scale wouldn't move. I can look back now and see that I was eating out often (and who knows what the hell they are cooking with and how many calories it has) and my workouts were low intensity at best. My portions weren't controlled and there were many days when my calories were well above 2000 and even more days when I just didn't log at all. So was I really doing everything right?

That's not what my life is like now. Now, I'm actually holding myself accountable to Mal and letting her know every day exactly what I'm eating and how intensely I'm exercising. More than that, I'm listening to my body and giving her what she needs - nothing more, nothing less. I'm loving myself today. 

So if I get on that scale tomorrow and I haven't lost weight, I will know that my body is intelligent and that it is doing exactly what it needs to do to get me to where I want to eventually go, but it will be in Divine timing, not my timing. And Divine's way of doing things is always going to be equal to or better than mine.

I'll check in tomorrow, however briefly, to let you know how it goes. 

Who Do You Think You Are?

The amazing thing about writing a blog that very few people read is the freedom it gives you to say what's really on your mind, unedited, unapologetic. The past few nights, I've felt inspired to get honest and share what's going on with me, how I'm feeling, where I'm at. I don't check my word count, and I'm not concerned with making sure I'm hitting all the right hashtags. I'm not posting on all my social media sites with clever images and a link back to this site. This blog has become for me a confessional, a chronicle, and a place to hold myself accountable. This is a one-day-at-a-time process for me, and even though I know now that God has the final say in this Recreation, I want to be sure I'm carrying out His marching orders every day.

And that's where it's gotten interesting recently. See, in the past, I always got my marching orders from outside of me - a book, a trainer, a doctor, a mentor, a friend, a magazine, really anyone might have the latest plan, program or diet for me to follow that I'd hope and pray would be the golden ticket to having a healthy body. In some cases, it worked for awhile - I got within 5 pounds of my wedding day weight on Dreambodies back in late 2008 and stayed there for nearly a year and a half before getting pregnant with my fourth child in 2010. 

What's interesting this time around is that although I have guidance coming from different places - the Gabriel Method team, my trainer, my spiritual mentor, my doctor - at the end of the day, I'm relying on my inner guidance, which I choose to believe is from my Higher Power, for my final marching orders. I trust that inner voice today, and I cannot remember the last time I felt that way.

Take today's food, for instance. I have been consistently hitting my target calorie range and macro percentages for weeks now, and today I did my normal tweaking to hit my numbers, but when I bit into the fried chicken breast I'd included for myself for dinner, it just left me feeling...unsatisfied. I took a couple bites, and then realized I was just not enjoying it at all. I took it back into the kitchen and swapped it for a thigh and a wing and adjusted my numbers. At the end of the night, my calories and my fat percentage were a little high, so I texted Mal to let her know. Her response:

These days are totally okay once or twice a week and you’ve had an excellent week. This is also not the worst I’ve ever seen at all, so I can live with it!

I was really glad to get that feedback from her, but even without it, I knew that I was taking good care of myself today by getting the extra fat and flavor. What's amazing to me is that for the first time in my life that I can remember, I'm able to trust myself and what my body is telling me above everything else. And that's not just with food. I'm finding myself lighting up at certain suggestions (adding a green drink in the morning, doing HIIT cardio interval training) and shutting down at others (not yet, yoga). I'm actively co-creating with Divine this new version of myself, and I'm sovereign in my choices.

There's still a part of me that looks to someone outside of me for validation and approval; that may never change. But there are a lot of things that have changed, not the least of which being that just for today, I'm taking fantastic care of myself each day, and I'm becoming someone that I really freaking love and trust. I think that's pretty awesome.

Redefining Recreation (SPOILER ALERT - There is a God and it's NOT me...)

It's been well over a year since I last posted and so much has changed. I'll save the best for last, and just take you through everything, one at a time.

First, in December of last year, I realized that I had no idea how to unconditionally love myself. If I was sticking to my diet and exercising, I was worth loving. If I wasn't, I wasn't. Simple as that. Not only was that sick behavior keeping me miserable and in battle with myself, it was extending out beyond to my kids, even to my Higher Power! I was in a constant power play with my kids, trying to gently coerce them to change their eating habits or how much they were exercising, not out of a concern for their health alone, but because I worried that they wouldn't be loved by the external world if they didn't. And why did I worry about this? Because it's the conditions I placed on loving myself, and whether consciously or unconsciously, it became my belief that it would be the conditions that everyone else would place on loving me and on loving them, too. Here's where it gets really heavy - I had to check myself and realize that they DESERVE my unconditional love, regardless of what they eat or how they look or who they love or what they believe. They are my CHILDREN. Of course I love them unconditionally! I was devastated to realize that maybe I hadn't been, actually. And so I immediately owned that and let it go. And in letting that go, I would begin the process of learning how to love myself unconditionally, too.

It took me a few more months to realize how my Higher Power factored into the equation, but I'll get back to that.

I became willing to seek the help of a personal trainer (again), and as soon as I sat down with her, I knew Mal would have my back and would help me get to where I truly wanted to go. You see, she didn't start talking about food plans, calories and macros (even though she has literally written a book on all that stuff). She explained that our progress was going to be measured by my STRENGTH, COMMITMENT, and HEART, rather than my measurements, weight or calories. She plunged right into my soul, and got to the core of what matters to me, what's actually IN my control. Is it any wonder I jumped all in with both feet, signing up for five days a week of in-person, CrossFit-style workouts?

At the same time, I was reading a book one of my close friends had recommended, called The Gabriel Method, which suggested that a fat body sometimes wants to stay fat for some reason that is completely out of our control - either because it is afraid of famine because of years of chronic dieting, or because it's feeling unsafe in some other way. This also resonated with me as part of the solution, and I immediately signed up for their "Ultimate Coaching Experience," which included monthly mentoring sessions, monthly alternative therapy sessions (e.g., cellular release therapy, tapping, etc), full access to their private Facebook group, as well as weekly access to their brilliant founder, Jon Gabriel.

For the next few months, I focused on learning and changing. I consistently completed Mal's workouts and began to undo the damage from years of chronic dieting and trying to control my situation through sheer force of will. For the first three months, I didn't weigh myself at all. I allowed myself to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it and simply added in supplements, healthy fats and live foods to start giving my body the nourishment it needed.

In mid-March, I realized I should probably get a sense of where things stood, from a measurement perspective, as my size 18s had long since become too tight, and it was becoming uncomfortable to even go up and down stairs, let alone do anything beyond the 20-30 minute workouts Mal was sending me to do at home, due to the stay at home orders.  I was shocked and disheartened to see that my weight had reached an all-time high of 264 pounds. At 5'4", I was technically bordering on morbidly obese.

My team reassured me that this was a necessary by-product of getting off the dieting roller coaster, and that my weight would one day level off and then eventually start to decrease. I heard what they were saying, and in my prayer and journaling time it had come through that the weight wouldn't start to come off until somewhere around the six-month mark, but it was still making me crazy that despite working out five days a week and following the Gabriel Method plan of eating, I had still only lost a whopping 3.2 pounds over a 2.5 month period, landing at 260.8 as my lowest weight.

In May, I turned 50. My spiritual mentor recommended a doctor who could do more in-depth blood testing  to see what havoc menopause and perimenopause may have wreaked on my body. I learned that my cortisol levels were through the roof all day long, despite twice daily meditation and sleeping more than 9 hours a night (albeit interrupted 2-3 times by nighttime bathroom needs). She recommended adrenal and cortisol support, as well as a progesterone supplement to balance out the high estrogen levels in my blood. Immediately upon taking the supplements, I felt less irritable and had more energy. I started doing a Couch to 5K run/walk program three days a week on top of my CrossFit workouts. I began seriously watching my macros, and started keeping them at the 40% carb / 30% protein / 30% fat my trainer recommended. After two weeks, I optimistically hopped on the scale.

261.

I had actually gained weight. How the fuck was that possible? I was hitting my macros! I was running, for God's sake! I was taking my supplements daily without fail. How could I not be losing weight?

Mal suggested I try to shoot for a lower overall caloric intake - ranging between 1400-1600 rather than the 1700-1800 we'd been targeting. She also suggested I try to make sure those calories came from good clean food, rather than processed food. What the hell difference would that make? I thought. A couple hundred calories can't make that much difference. And isn't a calorie a calorie?

But I did it anyway. And I cried and cried at how hopeless I felt. I was doing everything right, I thought to myself. I was doing all the things. Why isn't this dream coming true? Why isn't this new version coming into my reality?? I even started seriously considering volume liposuction. I told everyone who would listen, including God, "If I haven't gotten down to at least 230 by September, I'm getting that surgery."

My friends and family were supportive and understanding. My sister even agreed to come help take care of me during the surgery, if I needed her help. But in my quiet time, I prayed:

"What do you want from me, God? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to do? Please, one way or another, you need to help me. You need to give me a sign. What am I supposed to do?"

Then, my sister told me about a daily devotional she had been reading on miracles. I asked her to send it to me and she did. The very first day, I got this message:

"The path to a miracle is always through uncomfortable territory. The source of a miracle always comes in an unexpected way. So what do you do when you're on this road? You don't fret. You don't fear. You don't try to figure it out."

Well, I had been fretting, and fearing AND trying to figure it out...for years! It went on:

"You just have faith. You trust God and say, 'I don't know how God is going to do it, but He will do it." If God tells you to do it, even if it doesn't make sense, you do it. Even if going in that direction, or to that location, or to talk to that person doesn't make sense, you simply obey God and do what he tells you to do. And then, you get ready for a miracle."

Well, I'll be. That's pretty straightforward.

A couple days later, I had a scheduled call with a nutritionist who had been recommended by the doctor who did my blood work. She was explaining her methodology, and it was completely aligned with the Gabriel Method and what I had already been learning. I explained what I had been doing and she said it sounded like I was doing all the right things. Then she paused and asked me, "But do you believe that you are going to be able to lose this weight?"

For once, I really stopped to think about her question. I dug deep down to see what the answer was that was in my heart.

And the answer was no.

Tears streamed down my face as I confessed to her (and subsequently to myself and to God) that I did not believe that I would ever be able to lose the weight without extreme measures, like a crazy diet or a major surgery. And in that moment, I realized, I had not had faith. I had not believed. God had been here all the time, ready to perform Her miracle, and all She asked was that I say the magic words: 

"Lord, I believe You can do it."

My friends, it was like a complete spiritual awakening in that moment. I could see what I had never before been able to see, which was that as long as I believed that I had to do it, I was lost and destined to fail. But as soon as I became willing to believe that God could and would do it, and that all I had to do was to get still in the morning and ask for guidance and then follow that guidance when it comes, I could settle down and get ready for my miracle.

Which is what brings us to the restart of this blog, and the redefinition of "recreation." When I started this whole process, it was about me recreating myself, but what I now realize is that I am actually being recreated. It is a co-creative process where God is the Creator and He guides me around what I need to do to support Him in the process of recreating me. Part of what Divine is asking me to do is to praise Her name, and let everyone know that with God ALL things are possible. I've seen it in my personal life, I've seen it in my career, and I've shared with anyone who would listen about the miracles that She has performed in those areas of my life for decades.

He's about to perform a pretty big miracle right here and I want to shout it to the rooftops, real time, as it happens. If you have an experience of God working a miracle in your life, with your health or in any area at all, please comment! I am all about amplifying the miracles that abound in a life built on faith. 

I'll be back soon with more to share. Let the Co-Creation BEGIN!

What's My Problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is. I'm a compulsive overeater. It's an eating disorder that is likened to alcoholism and is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship with food. I have suffered from this since I was about 9 years old, although I have controlled the major symptoms (with varying degrees of success) with dieting and exercise. My obsessive thoughts about food have continued.

I have been attending online OA meetings since last August and the truth is that when I am in a state of surrendering to the fact that I have this issue and am following a plan that I have committed to a sponsor (often Tony's plan) and relying on my Higher Power for guidance and direction, I am fine. Not only does the weight start to come off, but I like what I see in the mirror and I generally feel positive and happy about life and optimistic about my future. As soon as I take my will back with food, I'm sunk. I start to feel desperate and uneasy, fearful and FAT.

A couple days ago, I was in Whole Foods getting a salad and I stopped by one of the tables that was offering taste tests of a new hummus. I wanted to bring hummus with us to Martha's Vineyard next week and I justified that one little bite wouldn't hurt. Well, it DID hurt, because it screwed up my abstinence. For most people a bite or two of hummus on a pita chip is no big deal, but for a compulsive overeater, to start thinking we can spontaneously decide what should go in our mouths is just like the alcoholic thinking what harm can a glass of champagne at a wedding do?

So, I wanted to expose this to all of my blog reader friends out there in the hopes that this nasty disease can't thrive in direct sunlight. I fully expect that this will help me get to the next phase of this Dreambody Journey, which is to love myself fully and unconditionally, from the inside out.

I'm back on track, at least for today

Ahh...I love having the freedom to reinvent myself on a daily basis.

So, thank goodness for willingness and prayer. After much of both, I am solidly back on track. I cleaned out my house and asked for help and am now following a super clean (super stringent) eating plan a friend of mine has been following since March. She has lost 22 pounds and gone down three or four sizes since then.

Now, me. I was hungry. I'm not going to lie. Today was a rest day from working out and so I had a lighter fare than usual, I guess. Just shy of 1200 calories. I was hungry. The food didn't taste so great. (Well, breakfast, lunch and dinner rocked, but the snacks SUCKED.) But one day under my belt. Let's see how tomorrow goes. Can't wait for that oatmeal. YUM.

Tomorrow, I'm following my tri training. Somewhere during the day I hope to get in a 15 minute swim. I'm starting the day with a run. A good day planned.

I'll check in again soon.

Take care,

Liimu

Three weeks to form a habit

I'm two and a half weeks into working with a "real" personal trainer, so I figured now would be as good a time as any to start my official blog. Well, that and the fact that my trainer suggested it.

I started my own business three months ago (three months ago yesterday, in fact) after reading Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret" and applying it to my feverish desire to break free of the corporate prison in which I'd been living for nearly three years. (I was a training hack for a big pharmaceutical company.) Now, I consult to large, mid-size and small companies and make four times what I was making on the inside. Not only enough to pay my bills, I realized, but enough to throw some serious cash at the weight problem with which I had been struggling for nearly 30 years.

First, I joined a gym. (One of the drawbacks to leaving my pharma job was that I could no longer workout at the gym onsite. Well, I could, but would probably get kicked out before I made it through even a 20-minute BFL cardio session.) Part of joining the gym was that I got two free training sessions and I have to admit, I kinda hit it off with my trainer right from the start. She was a really good sport when I told her how unimpressed I'd been with virtually every trainer I'd ever met (except for the little ex-Marine who taught me how to do Roman Chair ab exercises with a weight between my ankles). Because I have struggled with my weight since before Michael left the Jackson 5, I have tried every diet including the 9-Day Diet, Atkins, Scarsdale Diet, the Master Cleanse, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, you name it. I have done Jazzercise, Pilates, Spinning, BFL, run a marathon, even been certified a personal trainer myself. Through it all, this has remained true: I have been (or even at my best, have felt) something ranging from slightly overweight to moderately obese every single minute.

So, here I am, trying again. Several huge milestones have passed during this time working with Kristen.

1. This is the first year in I cannot remember how long that I did not gain weight in the period between Mother's Day and Father's Day. (My birthday and my husband's birthday are both in there, plus a trip to California for my niece's graduation from high school.) I don't think I've lost very much, either, but I'll take the small successes where they come.
2. Speaking of said California vacation, I actually ate responsibly the entire time I was there and worked out four of the six days! It was a little intimidating to be at an L.A. Fitness in LA, where everyone wore perfectly coordinated yoga pants and sport bras to show off their chiseled abs and despite how hard it looked like they were working out, no one seemed to actually sweat. I, on the other hand, was covered in sweat by the time I finished dropping off my 21 month old at the kid camp before I even got started. By the end of my workouts, I was dripping wet and completely red-faced. Philly represents!
3. I have not given up.

So, I know the value of blogging and sharing with others my successes and progress. I'm not sure who to share this with or if anyone will even read it (besides me and Kristen), but I'm going to be open and honest.

Tonight, I am sore. Kristen kicked my a** today in the gym, as usual. I never thought I would actually look forward to push ups, but everything else was so friggin' hard. And I was seeing some muscle definition in the mirror, so that made it more fun than the other exercises, too. I made the mistake of telling Kristen that I'd like to have a goal of doing one (just one!) unassisted pull up.

Kristen: "Well, you know what that means, right?"

Me: "I need to lose some weight so I'll have less to lift?"

Kristen: "No, it means you'll have to do more assisted pull ups to get your self stronger and ready to do one."

Shit.

Somehow, I still have tons of energy by the end of each day, though. I used to fall out by 8:30 pm. Not sure if this is still leftover jet lag from the West Coast trip, but I'll take it. I'm sore as hell, but a massage on Friday will take care of that. I still struggle with what to have for "dessert" at night. I know it would be good if I could just get out of the habit of wanting dessert, but I'm not there yet. May never be. I am going back off Splenda, though. My skin has started breaking out again in the last day or so, just since I re-introduced Splenda and diet soda.

When will I stop having to learn everything the hard way??

Okay - tomorrow is another day. I have my food planned out. Haven't decided what to do for a workout. I suppose I should e-mail Kristen and ask her. We haven't really talked about what to do on my off days - I do kickboxing on Tuesdays and boot camp on Fridays.

Okay, okay. Really. I'm off to bed now. Goodnight!