How am I? How am I? I am sane. I am abstinent. I am doing the best I can to live my life as God would have me live it. There are so many things out there that veer me off course into insanity and insane thinking.
I won't go on and on about the conversation I had with my brother today that really made me feel like binge-eating. Let me put it this way:
So often in my family, I just feel like I am not enough. (My brother did not make me feel that way, mind you. He inadvertently let me know that others in the family don't feel I measure up.) It's that feeling that no matter how hard I try, I'm just not good enough that led me to drink, to drug, to smoke cigarettes and from the very beginning to compulsively overeat. I remember once when I was about 8 years old, when my 11-year old sister had already crossed the line to being overweight, but I was still skinny (and thus, OK, by my family's standards), being sat down by one of my even older sisters for a heart-to-heart:
"You have to be careful now. You're still skinny, but you could get fat if you eat too much. Look at what happened to [sister]. You have to be careful, or you'll get fat, too."
I'm paraphrasing, of course. I can't remember verbatim a conversation from thirty years ago. It doesn't really matter what was actually said. That is what I heard. That is what I continue to hear, unless I'm in constant contact with my Higher Power and allowing His voice to fill my head. His voice tells me I am a perfect child of a loving God right now, and that all He wants for me is for me to be happy. That if I seek to serve Him, that's exactly what I will be. And so that's what I do. I can't always serve them and still serve Him; that's what they don't understand. And they forget that it wasn't that long ago - just 14 years ago - that I was struggling to keep my head above water, that I was drinking and drugging and spiraling out of control from addiction and compulsive overeating and restricting.
So, was it a good day just because I was abstinent? Even though, I didn't think to call this one or that one just to see how they're doing? (Because it's really all about them, you know.) Well, you're DAMN RIGHT, it was a good day. I had cravings - I even FORGOT to drink my myoplex shake (which is sad, because that's one of my two favorite meals of the day) and then followed Tony's direction and drank the glutamine in water. YUCK. I am willing to take direction from someone else regarding how to fuel my body and that is a damn miracle. I saw myself from about 10 different angles while I was working out and I looked GOOD. (I loved Melissa's comment on my photos. That's what I was sort of thinking quietly in my head, but worried that I was bullshitting myself.) I feed my kids all kinds of stuff in any given week that I would LOVE to have myself - chicken nuggets, pizza, pudding, hell - BREAD of any kind. But I don't. And I'm very proud of that.
I'm very proud of the woman I have become and the woman I have yet to be. And if it's not enough for my family, well, so what? Who are they to say it's not enough if it's enough for God?
On another note, I'm off to Jamaica this weekend to help a dear friend celebrate her 40th birthday. I'm coming down with a cold and this trip is JUST what the doctor ordered. Plus, I've lost nearly 15 pounds since my friend last saw me. Can't wait to see her reaction!!
OK - I gotta go to bed now. This is downright ridiculous. Good night, everyone!!