Monday, March 30, 2009

Am I hearing God or just talking to myself? Is there a difference? (It's a rhetorical question, thanks.)

I had the weirdest experience last week. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I've been pursuing a long-standing dream of mine to be an actress and I've had unbelievable success. A month ago, I auditioned for a major casting agent here in Philadelphia and was sent on an audition the next day for a job that I landed! Then, I auditioned for a talent agent and got signed on the spot. Even still, a lifetime of thinking it wasn't possible to make a living as an actress and a dwindling savings account had me scared, really scared. So, I did what I always do when I'm scared. I said a prayer:

God, please give me a sign. Anything to let me know this is going to be okay? This is all working out exactly the way I hope or better?

And then another voice came into my head - it sounded like my voice, only it came from out of nowhere, offering thoughts that had definitely not come from me. That's the only way I can explain it. It said:

I have been giving you signs, all week. I could come down Myself and tell you personally that you are on the right path and that I am leading you to the realization of all your dreams and you would not believe Me. YOU HAVE TO JUST BELIEVE IN ME, PUT ALL YOUR FAITH IN ME, I HAVE NEVER LET YOU DOWN BEFORE.

I was driving along and I started to just bawl and bawl and bawl I started to just cry so hard and I was saying, "I do! I do! I trust you, Lord, I trust you!" And He was saying to me, "It is going to be okay - I know this is hard for you, I know it is hard for you to believe but I have never led you astray I have always led you to do good things and to have good things and now is no different. You are on your path. Everything is going the way it is supposed to." Loud as if He were sitting in the passenger's seat. I kid you not.

And then I felt the need to start running my monologue - practicing it anyway, I started doing the monologue and it got so deep, like I got to a new level of understanding the character, and there was real emotion there and I realized that I have to do this, that I can really do this and that I have something to share with people to help them understand what they feel and feel okay about it - about being a recovering alcoholic or being a mom or being biracial or being unhappy with how they look, their weight or whatever. That I can portray a role that gives that depth and makes people not feel so alone.

Anyway, it really changed things for me. It made this really all that much more important. That I really need to stop screwing around because there's a lot more at stake than I realized. My dreams are on the line here, and my purpose. I'm sorry if that sounds melodramatic and full of self-importance to some, but this is my blog, dammit, and I'm gonna be honest about what's going on with me. I'm done screwing around and I need to have all my wits about me to get to the top of this mountain.

Another talent agent called me today. I submitted my information online to an agency that only sees people for possible representation by invitation. Well, I have officially been invited. So, on Wednesday I have an open call audition for an agent, and then Thursday I have an invitation to read for another agent. Yes, Lord. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. I'm going to just keep it moving and leave the rest up to you.

Today was a good day.

Oh, and did I mention tomorrow is all about movement? Today was my rest day but tomorrow? Tomorrow, Tony's workout, followed by a bike ride with a friend, followed by my 4-mile run in preparation for the 10-Mile Broad Street Run the first weekend in May. It's supposed to be a beautiful day here in Philadelphia and I can't think of a better way to spend it than outside, sweating and enjoying the company of my friends and my own amazing, wonderful thoughts.

Lots of love,



Melissa H said...

That's the Holy Spirit, girl. You were in the presence of God. Those who doubt have never experienced it because, once you have? You're never the same. Keep talking to Him. He never leaves us or forsakes us!

Carolyn said...

Wow Liimu! It is so amazing when the Lord speaks and you hear. Sometimes its that very quiet voice and other times its like He's almost yelling at you! God is so good! Keep trusting Him and leaning on Him. Know that He will never let you fall, He'll always have you by your hand and when you can't stand, that's when He is there to carry you right to the place that He's chosen for you to be. Keep praying girl! And I'm going to say it again... GOD IS SO GOOD!