Shit. I'm not sure what is going on, but my head is completely messing with me. I'm so struggling, people. I have to be honest. I know it's hormones, partly. And I know it's also mental. I have been struggling to just keep the food clean, and I've been praying, doing mindful meditation, e-mailing/texting/calling Tony. Here's the problem:
I am in that frame of mind where I just want to be able to eat what I want. I want to be "normal."
But I'm not normal. And just like you can't make me able to handle the occasional glass of wine, you can't make me into one of those people who only eats a couple bites of cheesecake and then puts the rest back in the fridge only to remember it three weeks later and toss it because it's gotten to that questionable point. I'm the type of person who, if by some miraculous stroke of luck put that piece of cheesecake back after only eating a few bites and then came across it again three weeks later would definitely eat it, even if I had just eaten a huge dinner and had to scrape off a little green fuzz that had sprouted on the dollups of whipped cream on either side.
That doesn't change the facts, people. I'm bored with what I'm eating. I feel like I"m nearly killing myself at the gym and I'm still 20-30 pounds away from having anybody's killer Dreambody. Yes, I know I've made great strides, but just for today, this feels hard. Really, really hard. And I'm scared to say that I'm questioning whether I want to do it anymore. I would love to work out 4 times a week, rather than 6. I would love to work out for 45 minutes to an hour each time, rather than 90 minutes. Because I feel like if I'm working this hard, it should be instantaneous. If it's gonna take 6 months, then why don't I just do Weight Watchers or the old traditional Body for Life?
Anyway, I'm saying all this not because I have any intention of dropping Tony and Dreambodies. I know he's the best thing that's happened to this wanna-be-MILF since my husband and kids. I could use some encouragement, though. Some words of wisdom, some fire-stoking, if-you-hang-in-there, this-is-going-to-happen-to-you-because-this-is-what-happened-to-me - ness.