Celebrating FREEDOM!

Freedom from compulsive overeating! This morning, I was reading one of my daily meditation books, called "Food for Thought," and it talked about how Independence Day should not be a cause to gorge ourselves on high-carb and sugar-laden foods, but instead should be a day to celebrate our independence from needing those foods, our freedom from the insanity of the binge-starvation cycle we were stuck in for so long.

Today was great. GREAT! I didn't get to the gym (boo...hiss...) because I had to take my daughter back to CHOP to see if we had to get her cast changed since it got wet on Friday night (I know, I know...it never ends). Fortunately, we didn't have to get it changed, but we did end up in the ER at CHOP all morning. But I ate CLEAN!!!! All day long, and that includes a stint in the ER and a barbecue at my next door neighbor's house! I wasn't entirely low carb, but I chose good, healthy options, and I ended with fruit. I am SO proud of myself.

So, tomorrow, everyone else is getting back on track, which makes it easier. And then it's Monday. For me, weekdays are always easier because I don't have my little ones in my face all day eating whatever they want, and I have more structure of the workday to keep me busy and keep my mind off food. Oh, and tomorrow I'm running 6 miles with my sister-in-law, who's in town, and then heading over to the gym.

Hope everyone else is having a wonderful Independence Day. How are you celebrating YOUR freedom?

One small step...

So, as most of you know who have been following the blog or are just my friends, for whatever reason the Universe has decided to pile all kinds of medical drama on my little family over the past few months. When cold and flu season was happily melting away with the last patches of snow in early May, my 5 year old was being admitted to Children's Hospital with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (which provided to some the answer to the age old question, "who gets that, anyway?") I came here and posted about how in just three weeks, I managed to gain back 13 of the 35 pounds I had struggled so hard to lose.

Since then, I went on vacation to Martha's Vineyard and then took my same daughter into the same hospital to have surgery to have her heel cords lengthened. (For some reason, she has always walked on her toes, and as a result her muscles haven't fully developed and she is no longer able to walk flat on her feet. This is causing problems for her regarding posture, regular mobility and is apparently setting her up to develop degenerative arthritis.) She is now in a wheelchair.

As I mentioned, I have a propensity for eating under stress. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't have ever started this blog and started on the whole Dreambodies program. But I do, and I did. So, last night when my youngest daughter (she's 2) started barking like a seal and struggling to breathe, I knew we were in for a long night. Turns out she has croup, which we found out after I took her to the ER at 2:30 this morning. We were there until 6.

I don't do well when my kids are sick even when I've had a full night's sleep. I definitely was at risk all day today for bingeing and throwing my food plan to the wind. But I didn't. I don't know, maybe something's changed, finally. Maybe I've crossed over and am finally embracing the change and the healthy lifestyle. I do know that I had some moments of compulsive eating today, but I reached for cantaloupe, homemade protein bar, not cheddar goldfish or the peanut butter jar. For that I am grateful.

It's July 4th weekend. I thought it wasn't a holiday to worry about, but the truth is that if it falls on a weekend, I need to get my guard up. I emailed Tony and SaraBeth to tell them I was starting to worry about it, and got a call from T and an e-mail from SB. I plan to talk to her tomorrow. I will not go gently into this dark night, people.

I am taking the advice, visualizing my success and I will not stop until I get there. Every 24 hours offers an opportunity to get one step closer to my goals. And sometimes that means not doing things rather than doing things. Like not letting stress and life's challenges push me toward a binge. I made it through today and now I can rest my head on the pillow and know that since my body's free from junk, my head can be free from guilt.

Good night, all.

Broken records are really annoying ...

Wow. I haven't posted in awhile. Big surprise - I've been hiding in food and using that to cope with the stress of life. I'm embarrassed to have to come back here and say, "I've done it again."

Currently, I'm reading a book called, "Lush," which is about a thirteen-year old girl who is struggling to grow up in the face of her father's alcoholism. She keeps hearing him make the same broken promises over and over again, and today it hit me: So do I. I keep promising that little girl inside of me (not to mention all my friends, family, Tony, etc., etc) ok, this time, this time I'm gonna do it. And then, something happens - my daughter gets sick, I get sick, Michael Jackson dies (it really was quite tragic for me...I was one of the biggest fans of all time when I was 13), it rains, the wind blows, whatev - and I'm back in the food.

Well, I'm not gonna tell you that this time is gonna be different. I'm not gonna tell you that, because I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of hearing myself say it and even more sick of how I feel when I don't follow through with it. So, I'm not gonna say it.

I'm just gonna do it.

A pretty good day

I don't know if it was yesterday's swim lesson that knocked me on my proverbial a** or if I'm just tuckered out from all the exercise of the past few days. Here's what my exercise has been like:

• Sunday, 8 mile bike ride and 3 mile run
• Monday, killer 45 min chest workout and 40 min extra cardio biking hills
• Tuesday, 40 min run, 45 min leg workout (pressing 450 pounds, thanks very much) and 90 minute swim lesson, swimming nearly a full mile
• Wednesday (yes, today), 45 minute shoulder workout (arnold presses with 25 lb dumbbells, yeah baby), 4 mile run in the PM

I've been a bit of an animal. I'm sort of glad because tomorrow is Amelia's surgery and I'm taking the day off from working out. Just gonna focus on my little girl.

The thing is, though, I've noticed that when I'm under stress or tired (and today falls under both categories), I'm less vigilant with my food for some reason. Today I was just hungry, hungry, hungry. Unlike other times, I did actually reach out to Tony to tell him I was really feeling starving, and he made a suggestion, which I ignored. (WHY do I do that?) So, of course then later, when I'm on my way to pick up my kids, I'm ravenous and feel entirely justified in eating a few handfuls of pretzels. White flour. My sworn enemy.

Anyway, I got through dinner and it was abstinent. I just need to say extra prayers tonight for willingness because I don't want to use tomorrow's trip to ChoP as an excuse to eat anything other than 100% clean food. I have a secret mission, remember? And I'm not going to let pretzels or bread or anything else stop me from completing it.

I'm going downstairs now to go get my magazines and work on updating my vision board as I promised Tony I would. I think I'll put one in my room, if my husband will let me. Maybe I'll put it on the back wall of my closet and just leave the door open so I can see it all the time. Hmm...good idea, girlfriend.

Later, guys.

I don't usually post about food but...

I have a couple of new salads that absolutely make my eyes roll back in my head. I mix together, romaine lettuce, broccoli slaw (shredded broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage and a little carrots), chopped green peppers, chopped celery, ff shredded mozzarella cheese and 3 oz grilled shrimp right out of the pan (sometimes I use canned salmon), I squirt on 2 T of light organic ranch dressing and mix it up and WHOA....heaven. And it tastes so healthy!!

I am doing so well. I had a great workout this morning, even added on an extra half hour run at 5.5 mph, and I was killin' it in the legs workout! Sweat was DRIPPING down my face from weights! I tell you what, before Tony, that NEVER happened.

I will make my goals this year. I will have that DreamBody. I can feel it. And I've found my prize to keep my eyes on, but I'm going to keep it to myself for now. I'll share it with you guys when it gets closer to being a reality.

Hope you're all having a great day!

Am I crazy or sane??

I tell you what - in any given day, my opinion on that subject fluctuates at least a dozen times back and forth...crazy...sane...crazy...sane...crazy...sane....AAAUGH!

I had such a lovely day today, even though my hubby had yet another gig so it was me and the girls, chillin' yet again. The day started with an AA meeting, followed by a lovely 3.5 mile rainy walk/run with my Moms in Motion team. (I added a 1/2 mile because I had to run 1/4 mile to and from my car thanks to the Summer Stroll that had the parking situation completely out of control.)

By the time I got home and got a yummy clean breakfast made and eaten, it was clear I wasn't going to get to the gym in time for the babysitting, which ends at 12. Instead, we all went to the library (I had SIX books on hold) and then to Target, where I hoped to find a craft for my kids to do as a nice gift for my hubby (even though I did find some cute $10 gifts from them - a digital coin jar, a Phillies shirt, etc.). No luck, so we all went home and I had pita chips and black bean hummus (umm...not Tony sanctioned yums) followed by a nice 1.5 hr nap with my 2 year old. We got up then, and went to five below (where we did find the crafts - bird feeders and bug catchers) and then to see "Imagine That," with Eddie Murphy (LOVED it).

I didn't do so great at the movies. Nibbled a couple of my daughter's pretzel bites, a few bites of my other daughter's pizza, and the soy crisps I had brought with me. Wasn't hungry when I came home, so that was pretty much dinner (!). Then, had dessert - won't even talk about what THAT was.

I just don't understand why I keep opting for bites and nibbles again of CRAP when I feel so much better when I'm opting to keep my food clean all day long. Tomorrow, I have plans to go over to Valley Green for a 10-mile bike ride, followed by a 4-mile run with a dear friend. My hope is that this friend can give me information about a good OA meeting I can attend regularly and a possible sponsor in that program. I really need to work on this. If I could just get a handle on the food, I think I could really conquer this last 20 pounds.

THAT ALL BEING SAID, I have had moments throughout the day where I have really stopped to appreciate where I am. I'm in size 10 jeans (mostly - some 12s), and at last weigh in was under 170 lbs. Last year this time, I was 196 pounds and squeezing into 14s. I'm really happy with where I am - and if you asked me last year if I'd be happy to be in size 10 and 12 jeans, I would have teared up and said, HELL YEAH. So, I don't want to be complacent about it, but I do want to stay sane about it. I'm really happy with the progress I have made, and I want to take it across the finish line to a maintenance size I'll be really proud of. I do have a call into Tony to get something on the calendar to get me motivated to take it to that next level. I know that's what I need.

Okay, I've gone on long enough. Just wanted to check in with you guys and let you know where I am. I'm off to attend another online OA meeting. More tomorrow!!

Grateful for willingness

I continue to pray for willingness, and apparently my Higher Power has no limit to the grace He can offer me. Tonight, I went to a face-to-face Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and it was really wonderful. It gave me so much hope.

I have become willing to do Tony's Boot Camp, as I call it, where I do a liquid diet day, followed by a couple low-calorie days, followed by another liquid diet day. I didn't follow it perfectly today, but the fact that I made it to the gym and the fact that I pretty much stuck to the plan for today gives me hope that I can continue on, maybe even get a little better each day about sticking to the plan.

Anyway, I'm also grateful to have had a very productive day today. I got so much work done, and I spent the first few hours of the day taking my five-year old to CHOP to do her pre-op for next week's surgery. Still, I got good work done and lots of calls made that I needed to make.

Life is good, as long as you show up and do your part. I hope to have a reason to take some new photos in the next month or so. We are going to Florida in mid-September. I fully expect to be under 150 pounds by then. Let's go on and make it so. :)