Sunday, June 15, 2008

Feeling so discouraged...

Every weekend it is the same thing. The stress of having the kids for hours on end takes its toll and I end up sabotaging all my good efforts from the week that passed. This week, it started with my first tri training workout, which kicked my ass entirely and left me feeling like I could eat anything (not to mention really hungry). I ended up having a pre-lunch lunch, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. A normal person probably would have just eaten that and then not eaten another one an hour later at the pool with the girls. I don’t consider myself to be a normal person. Then, I took my eldest daughter to a dance recital in which my niece was performing. We got there a half hour late and still had to wait 45 minutes before we finally got to see her perform her dance number.



At 7 pm, I was finally sitting down to dinner with my daughter. Halfway through the recital, I had decided I would have a cheeseburger and fries. My “reward” for my hard workout and the stress of spending the day with the kids by myself because their father had a gig in East Bumblefuck, PA. Of course, I still had to have some chocolate when I got home. I started with a 100 calorie soy ice cream sandwich. That wasn’t enough, so I followed it up with the equivalent to organic cocoa puffs (Envirokidz Cocoa Bumpers).

Today wasn’t much better. I woke up still sore from the week, feeling sorry for myself for not having had a rest day in over a week (nor one in sight any time soon). To make matters worse, I hopped on the treadmill for my warmup cardio only to find that my iPod was completely dead. I ended up walking for 15 minutes, then following it up with 30 lame-ass minutes on the bike. Hadn’t eaten yet (I don’t tend to eat breakfast until 9:30 or so) so I was starving by the time we left the gym and in my mind was torn between going to Whole Foods for scones or just going home to what we had there (wheat toast, etc). I hear you now…please tell me you went home. You went home, right? Of course I didn’t go home. Not only did I get the scones, I ate one on the way home. Ate scrambled egg whites with soy and 2% cheese, veggie sausage (and another scone) at home, then didn’t eat much to speak of until dinner time. (Had a half a soft pretzel at the pool.) Dinner was grilled chicken parmigiana with spaghetti (I probably only ate ½ cup of the spaghetti, but ate all the chicken and most of the cheese, along with ¼ of the garlic bread that came with it. After that, I had a big cookie (1/2 cookie is a serving…but who can eat a half cookie?) and ½ chocolate chip muffin. I feel disgusting. I know – where is the fruit? Where are the vegetables? I did say I feel disgusting, right? For every step forward I make, I feel like I take three steps back.

I could really use some encouragement. I fear I will NEVER get anywhere at the rate I’m going.

1 comment:

Melissa H said...

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

I read your "menu" for the day and it is so self-perpetuating! I know because I used to do it! Food addiction. ARGH! Then, you beat yourself up and pour every ounce of self-hatred that you can into your brain. STOP!

You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it.

You do NOT "deserve" a cheeseburger because it is NOT a reward! It is a thief, stealing your dreams! Break the mentality that food is a reward (years of re-programming to do, here). It isn't! It is FOOD! Next time, reward yourself with a new nail polish or a new bottle of lotion: something small that makes you feel beautiful, inside and out.

It is so hard to stop the "f*** it" attitude. I have been 1/2 inch from grabbing for something unwise when starving and had to yell "NO!" to myself out loud (for real!) and shove a celery stick in my mouth while I wait for my veggie burger and asparagus to cook!

HALT
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

You know the acronym. Next time you reach for that cheeseburger, ask which one of those you are. Then, remind yourself that the food won't change it.

You can do this. I'm here and I'm reading. XOXO