I'm doin' it!! I'm eliminating!!!

And it's not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm really enjoying it actually! Okay, I don't yet have a "perfect" day under my belt (I realized at around 3 pm today that my beloved almond milk is full of sugar). But I have a house stocked with foods I can eat and I am really enjoying the foods I can eat! Oh, and did I mention that I manifested my secret wish to have a personal chef and hired someone to cook a month's worth of lunch and dinners? And they are SOOOO yummy!

My skin is slightly worse but thanks to the power of Google, I have reassured myself that this is simply a symptom of the toxins working their way out of my body. Yay! And I still have over a week before my show - I'm sure my skin will be clear and beautiful by next Saturday. I'm envisioning myself under 160 by then, somehow.

I'm still closely in touch with Tony. He has something up his sleeve for me, I can tell. He wants me to weigh in on Saturday and then start some intense kick-butt program, not to weigh in again until Halloween. He is determined to get me down to 130. I cannot imagine getting down that low without cutting off one of my larger limbs, but that's neither here nor there. Tony has done more with less determined people than I. If he says it can be done, it will be done.

Last night, I didn't get home from rehearsal until after midnight. I'm going to bed early. Take care, and stay focused! The only thing keeping you from your dreams is your ability to hold on to them and never let go.

Looking forward to a vacation, and coming back feeling healthy!

I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Always a little bit of a scary proposition. Tony actually authorized me to have a cheat meal every day while I'm gone. Here's the kicker...I also have to start each day with an hour of high-intensity cardio, and this is in addition to the plyometric workouts he's sending me off with.

You know what? I'm looking forward to it. And it starts tomorrow. I'm going to get up early enough to head to the gym before we go. I really cannot wait to head out and on the road. The girls are really excited, and so am I. I just hope I don't forget anything.

So, what I can tell you though, is that it was a really good weekend. I was completely set up for a binge-fest - hubby had gigs yesterday and today (so I was a single mom of three little girls, which is one of the biggest triggers for me) and yesterday we were at a barbecue that was full of tempting foods and I was hungry. I made healthy choices all day, and was happy to see that I was down to 167 point something or other today. 22 pounds to go. *sigh*

Truth is, if I just stay the course, I will get there. Not sure when or how long it will take, but as long as I don't do anything that sets me up for a binge, I will get there. No more two steps forward, one step backward for me. Just one step in front of the other...slow, surefooted, and forward progressing.

And that means NO fantasizing about vacations and what I can or can't eat when I'm away. There will be a lot of wonderful things about being on vacation - uninterrupted time with the kids, sleeping late in the morning, napping in the afternoon, getting to more AA meetings, hanging out with my sister and her family. Yes, there are lots of wonderful things about being on vacation, but eating whatever the hell I want just won't be one of them. I fully intend to eat just as I have been. Hell, I may even lose a pound or two. :)

What's My Problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is. I'm a compulsive overeater. It's an eating disorder that is likened to alcoholism and is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship with food. I have suffered from this since I was about 9 years old, although I have controlled the major symptoms (with varying degrees of success) with dieting and exercise. My obsessive thoughts about food have continued.

I have been attending online OA meetings since last August and the truth is that when I am in a state of surrendering to the fact that I have this issue and am following a plan that I have committed to a sponsor (often Tony's plan) and relying on my Higher Power for guidance and direction, I am fine. Not only does the weight start to come off, but I like what I see in the mirror and I generally feel positive and happy about life and optimistic about my future. As soon as I take my will back with food, I'm sunk. I start to feel desperate and uneasy, fearful and FAT.

A couple days ago, I was in Whole Foods getting a salad and I stopped by one of the tables that was offering taste tests of a new hummus. I wanted to bring hummus with us to Martha's Vineyard next week and I justified that one little bite wouldn't hurt. Well, it DID hurt, because it screwed up my abstinence. For most people a bite or two of hummus on a pita chip is no big deal, but for a compulsive overeater, to start thinking we can spontaneously decide what should go in our mouths is just like the alcoholic thinking what harm can a glass of champagne at a wedding do?

So, I wanted to expose this to all of my blog reader friends out there in the hopes that this nasty disease can't thrive in direct sunlight. I fully expect that this will help me get to the next phase of this Dreambody Journey, which is to love myself fully and unconditionally, from the inside out.

My latest restart

I once saw a saying on a Weight Watchers poster that said, "Success is a result of persistence and patience, not perfection."

This past couple of weeks has been incredibly difficult, and incredibly eye-opening. I have a real problem with compulsive overeating, and our recent crisis with our daughter coming down with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (and as a result, meningitis and encephalitis) was a perfect excuse to slide right back into a full-blown relapse. (Ten days of nonstop family didn't actually help my case, bless their little hearts.)

So, I'm restarting with a vengeance. Planning my food each day (between 1400 and 1500 calories) and hitting the Tony workouts hard like before. 3-4 liters of ACV water. Visualization, podcasts.

Here are my goals:

Under 165 by June 1
Under 160 by July 1
Under 155 by August 1
Under 150 by Labor Day

Totally do-able. Let's get it started!!!!!!