Addicted to food? Or just weak?

I'm not sure. I do know that I am back to the place in my head where I JUST PROMISED myself I would not allow myself to get back to. The place where the food is calling the shots, driving the bus, making the choices for me. That feels like addiction. Despite my best planning, my best prayers, my best laid intentions, I find myself struggling to right my boat, yet again.

Some tell me to relax. It's hormonal, they say. It's not that deep. You'll get it together, just stay focused. Others tell me to treat this with the same passion and intensity I would use to protect my children. Imagine that eating that first compulsive bite means their little lives, they say. And yet, my gut, my spirit, that voice inside me that tells me what's true (my Higher Power?) says the truth lies somewhere in between.

Truth: I have to just pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. Bludgeoning myself to death over this misstep isn't going to fix the problem and it may very well give me one more thing I don't feel like feeling for which food could be a quick fix.

Truth: I cannot NOT take it seriously. I have to, at some point, take this whole thing seriously and decide whether I want to be healthy and average (which I am) for the rest of my life, or whether I want to go the next short distance to having the body I always dreamed I could one day have.

Truth: The only person who can get me to the next level is me. And at the end of it all, when it finally clicks in and I make the connection, everything I'm going through, every day like this when I feel like I may never get things back on track, will be an experience I've learned from and one that may help someone else get their very own Dreambody.

'Nuff said. Tomorrow is another day. Hell, I can start my day over anytime I want, so today is another day, for that matter.

I intend to blog daily again, like I did in the beginning, and really chronicle this next phase in my recreation. I'd love to have you join me on the journey.

How I Came to Believe, Reflections of an Almost-40 Mom

When Robin asked me whether I wanted my very first Motherhood Later blog post to run on March 4th or March 7th, I didn’t hesitate before answering that the 7th would be the perfect day. It’s a day of reflection for me, every year, as it is the anniversary of the day I got sober, 15 years ago. Who would have thought, 15 years ago, when I was sitting in rehab listening to others share their experience, strength and hope about how they accepted that they needed to avoid a drink one day at a time, that I would one day be sharing my experience, strength and hope about being a nearly-40 mom of 3??

Before I got sober, I didn’t really think I would ever have a husband, let alone children, someday, though it was my deepest desire from as far back as I can remember. Sobriety has given me so many gifts, not the least of which being the courage to dream and the faith in a Higher Power and in the fact that He/She can make those dreams come true.

The recovery process is not just about recovery, it’s also about discovery. Over the past 15 years, I have learned ways of discovering what I do and don’t like about myself, what I do and don’t like to do, and who I do and don’t like to do it with. As a result, I have the life of my dreams. I run a business that offers me the financial freedom to travel and enjoy doing the things I love to do, while also giving me the flexibility to spend time with my children. I have a husband who I often look at and think, who is that hot guy? Oh, wait! That’s my husband! I get to go home with him! (And it’s not just me – just the other night at a gig, another singer said, “Is that your husband? WOW – he’s hot!” Yep, and he’s all mine…tee hee.)

In addition to having my own business, I have always had the dream of being a singer. This past year that dream has come even closer to coming true. Before I got sober, I wrote a song about believing in your dreams, and this past year, that song was recorded with a real band (the drummer played for Stevie Wonder!!) and even played on the radio. People tell me that when they hear the song, they tear up with emotion. It makes me feel so good to know that I’m not only realizing my dreams, but touching others in the process.

And of course, the greatest dream I have realized over these past 15 years was to get married to the man of my dreams and have three beautiful, spectacular, breathtakingly wonderful daughters. With my 40th birthday fast approaching, I’m feeling an even more intense desire to continue to follow my dreams not just for my own selfish reasons, but also for them. I have come to the conclusion that the best way to get them to pursue their dreams is for me to pursue mine.

‘Cause if you believe in yourself
Then you don’t need anything or anybody else
If you believe in your dreams, then your dreams will come true
So believe in yourself, as I believe in you.
Believe in Yourself, © 2009 Liimu

I'm exhausted

But I'm gonna post, anyway.

I feel like I have had a mini-breakthrough, and I am SO excited about it. I have been doing hypnosis MP3s for a couple weeks now, and it really seems to be affecting my willingness in the evening to be conscious of what I'm eating and stay vigilant. The night-time eating has been my downfall, truly. I will be conscientious and eat healthy all day and then as soon as my kids get home, it's a handful of pretzel goldfish here, a tablespoon of almond butter there, and before you know it, I've standing snacked my way out of all the good hard work I did all day.

Well, no more. I'm getting back into the lower 160s and beyond. I'm entering the Spring and Summer fiercer and fitter than I have been since I was in my 20s. I can feel that 2010 is going to be the best year yet, and I will be the best me I have ever been. I know this to be true.

It's been a difficult couple of months for us. It is a challenge to keep my business going during the early part of the year but you know what? I'm working. It is a challenge to keep myself active and upbeat when there is 2-feet of snow on the ground that's nasty gray and dirty from being there for so long, but you know what? I'm working out and I'm staying accountable. My husband, children and I are stir crazy and ready to go bananas from wanting to be able to hang out outside, but you know what? They're still my favorite people in the world (and I think I'm on their short lists, too).

Life is too short to complain and be miserable. I have tons of things I could complain and worry and what if about. But I'd rather what if about the good things the Universe may have in store for me.

What if ... I lost this last 20 pounds and rocked a string bikini this summer?
What if ... all the projects that are potentially coming through CAME THROUGH and I was making mad money every month?
What if ... we had enough money to travel to Italy in May AND go to the shore for a week in August?
What if ... my songs became viral hits on the Internet and we got picked up by a major record label?

What if? And why not?

Dream big, y'all. Cause what you think about, you bring about...

Slacking?

I'm still here...I've been seriously slacking with the blog posts, I know.

I cannot believe it is snowing...AGAIN. My daughters were let out at 11:30 this morning (I missed the bus drop off - miscalculated and had to drive to their school to get them...felt like the worst mother in the world). We went right from school to the gym, though, a fact of which I am very proud.

I have been working SO hard lately (at work) and have been falling into the trap of rewarding myself with food, or feeling like "I deserve." The way I put it to Tony is that I let food get the best of me. What I need to do is let ME get the best of me.

So, lately, I have been thinking about that when I want to eat something I know I shouldn't eat.

"Am I going to let food get the best of me? Or am I going to get the best of me?"

So far it's working. Will it work all the way to 155? Who knows? But my hope is that it will get me back on track with cardio intervals (I have seriously lost my mojo there, opting for the elliptical every time) and keeping my food squeaky clean. One day at a time, we'll see what happens.

Hope y'all are well. More later.

Loving this time of the month...

Yeah, RIGHT. I was crowing to a friend of mine yesterday about how proud I was that I had a kick a** workout, despite the nasty PMS attitude I was wearing around me like a comfy old sweater. She said, "Poor baby, a week of PMS and then a week of no sex. It's just not fair for us women." When she put it like that, it made me realize that it's probably way LESS fair for my poor husband who has to endure my nasty attitude (and not just nasty, but completely unpredictable and perhaps borderline psychotic, I vacillate so severely between bit**y and apologetic). And then he is the one who has to wait two weeks for lovin' (cause I ain't even in the mood when I'm PMSing and honestly, he's not particularly feeling my crazy a**, either).

Anyway, add to that the fact that I, like so many others, loosened the reins over Valentine's Day and there's at least a reason why I'm puffy and bloated and carrying around an extra 3-4 pounds than I was a couple weeks ago.

But I'm still here, and I'm still not only getting my workouts in, I'm KILLIN' at the gym. I'm drinking all my water and I'm eating clean. I'm also getting good work done and staying in a pretty positive, yet practical mindset about this slow season I'm in. January and February generally just SUCK in my line of work because no one really knows what they have as far as budget and even if they do, they don't want to spend it unless they have to. By May or June, when projects are really looking like they won't get done with internal resources, that's when they decide, okay, we have to. Bring in the cavalry. That's me. The cavalry. :)

Still plugging away getting ready for the show on the 27th. I love my band, and we're going to have SO much fun, no matter what may come of it and no matter who shows up. If you're in the Philly area that weekend, come on through! Fluid Nightclub, 616 S. 4th Street, from 6 to 9 pm. Hope to see you there!

In the meantime, they're calling for another foot of snow on Monday. I just had to steal this from Tea's blog.

Is it a dream or a calling?

The past couple of days, I've been letting myself settle into the idea of giving the music a break. Those of you who know me outside of cyberspace (and some of you who don't) know that for the past year or so I've had somewhat of a resurgence of my music career, which I thought was pretty much dead and buried after I got married and had kids.

Back in 2007, I had the blessed opportunity to participate as a lead soloist on Patti Labelle's choir on the NBC reality show, "Clash of the Choirs." My rendition of Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" was seen by 10 million viewers around the world, and the YouTube of it has been viewed over 20,000 times! Last year, when business was slow, I started poking around Facebook and got connected with one of Patti's producers, who convinced me that I could still make a go of this. Since last April, I have done a half-dozen showcases, have written over 20 songs (6 of which I've performed to rave reviews) and am almost finished recording my first studio EP.

The thing is, I also own my own business, and it's obviously a major part of the financial equation for my family. So, essentially I now feel like in order to make these two things succeed, I have to go 80 mph in two entirely different directions. So, lately I've been walking around seeing how it feels to settle into the idea of not doing the music as much. Here's where it gets kinda wild. This morning, I sat down to read the three meditation books I read every morning and every single one was about following your dreams and relying on God and His angels as the source of all power, sweeping away the fears and doubts and allowing Him to fan the flames of the deepest heart's desires and passions. Umm...okay...

I don't know about you, but I take that as a sign. I'm just gonna keep doing what's in front of me each day. In a couple weeks, we are doing a fundraiser for a local school. On the 27th, we're doing a concert at a nightclub in Center City that will raise money for Philabundance, the largest organization combating hunger in the tristate area (PA, NJ and DE). I refuse to let fear take the wheel and drive this bus, when I know who really needs to be driving. So, I say again...

"Jesus, take the wheel."

Love to all,

Liimu

Reach for the moon...

Because even if you fall short, you'll still be dancing among the stars. That is what I have always tried to do, despite friends and family often thinking I'm taking on too much, or spreading myself too thin or dreaming too big.

1. I started my own business two years ago this month, and it has not only been the source of a six-figure income since the very beginning, it has afforded me the flexibility to travel, to spend time with my kids and to work from home almost 100% of the time. Not too shabby.
2. I've embarked on a singing career. So, I'm not multi-platinum yet or nominated for any Grammy awards. I've recorded two songs, and am working on the third and fourth, all of which I hope to have on iTunes by the Spring and I have been getting recognition for my songwriting skills by folks all around Philadelphia. An even bigger bonus by product is that it has revealed that my husband and I are a great songwriting duo (the new Ashford & Simpson?) and has laid the foundation for him finally finding the career of HIS dreams.
3. Finally, my fitness path - okay, so I'm still hovering within the same five-pound range I've been in since January of last year. But how's that for a miracle? I didn't gain any weight at all last year! And I'm set to finally achieve my goals this year, closer than I've been in years. More than that, my skin is finally clear, my muscles are taking shape and I am happy with my body and only getting happier.
   

I did set up my star chart today. I really like it, too. I have set up rewards for getting to Friday with no misbehaving, rewards for getting through the weekend, and super rewards for getting through the entire month. Just like my daughter - and if it can work for her, it should be able to work for me, too! Here's what it looks like:



I'll keep you guys posted on how I do with it. Tony has been right there with me, calling me and texting me to make sure I'm on point. I feel grateful I have his support, and the support of my dear friend Jacquie, who also texts me all day and keeps me accountable. It's going to be a wonderful spring and summer. Thanks to all you guys for the votes of confidence! Oh, and if anyone wants a copy of my star reward chart for yourself to use, let me know!!

For now, off to make spaghetti for the girls and salmon and greens for me. Then have to wash their hair (bleah...) and then to BED, finally. I was in the studio until 11 pm last night, so I am WRECKED (i.e., beat).

Till tomorrow...

Lii