The amazing thing about writing a blog that very few people read is the freedom it gives you to say what's really on your mind, unedited, unapologetic. The past few nights, I've felt inspired to get honest and share what's going on with me, how I'm feeling, where I'm at. I don't check my word count, and I'm not concerned with making sure I'm hitting all the right hashtags. I'm not posting on all my social media sites with clever images and a link back to this site. This blog has become for me a confessional, a chronicle, and a place to hold myself accountable. This is a one-day-at-a-time process for me, and even though I know now that God has the final say in this Recreation, I want to be sure I'm carrying out His marching orders every day.
And that's where it's gotten interesting recently. See, in the past, I always got my marching orders from outside of me - a book, a trainer, a doctor, a mentor, a friend, a magazine, really anyone might have the latest plan, program or diet for me to follow that I'd hope and pray would be the golden ticket to having a healthy body. In some cases, it worked for awhile - I got within 5 pounds of my wedding day weight on Dreambodies back in late 2008 and stayed there for nearly a year and a half before getting pregnant with my fourth child in 2010.
What's interesting this time around is that although I have guidance coming from different places - the Gabriel Method team, my trainer, my spiritual mentor, my doctor - at the end of the day, I'm relying on my inner guidance, which I choose to believe is from my Higher Power, for my final marching orders. I trust that inner voice today, and I cannot remember the last time I felt that way.
Take today's food, for instance. I have been consistently hitting my target calorie range and macro percentages for weeks now, and today I did my normal tweaking to hit my numbers, but when I bit into the fried chicken breast I'd included for myself for dinner, it just left me feeling...unsatisfied. I took a couple bites, and then realized I was just not enjoying it at all. I took it back into the kitchen and swapped it for a thigh and a wing and adjusted my numbers. At the end of the night, my calories and my fat percentage were a little high, so I texted Mal to let her know. Her response:
These days are totally okay once or twice a week and you’ve had an excellent week. This is also not the worst I’ve ever seen at all, so I can live with it!
I was really glad to get that feedback from her, but even without it, I knew that I was taking good care of myself today by getting the extra fat and flavor. What's amazing to me is that for the first time in my life that I can remember, I'm able to trust myself and what my body is telling me above everything else. And that's not just with food. I'm finding myself lighting up at certain suggestions (adding a green drink in the morning, doing HIIT cardio interval training) and shutting down at others (not yet, yoga). I'm actively co-creating with Divine this new version of myself, and I'm sovereign in my choices.
There's still a part of me that looks to someone outside of me for validation and approval; that may never change. But there are a lot of things that have changed, not the least of which being that just for today, I'm taking fantastic care of myself each day, and I'm becoming someone that I really freaking love and trust. I think that's pretty awesome.
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