Am I hearing God or just talking to myself? Is there a difference? (It's a rhetorical question, thanks.)

I had the weirdest experience last week. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I've been pursuing a long-standing dream of mine to be an actress and I've had unbelievable success. A month ago, I auditioned for a major casting agent here in Philadelphia and was sent on an audition the next day for a job that I landed! Then, I auditioned for a talent agent and got signed on the spot. Even still, a lifetime of thinking it wasn't possible to make a living as an actress and a dwindling savings account had me scared, really scared. So, I did what I always do when I'm scared. I said a prayer:

God, please give me a sign. Anything to let me know this is going to be okay? This is all working out exactly the way I hope or better?

And then another voice came into my head - it sounded like my voice, only it came from out of nowhere, offering thoughts that had definitely not come from me. That's the only way I can explain it. It said:

I have been giving you signs, all week. I could come down Myself and tell you personally that you are on the right path and that I am leading you to the realization of all your dreams and you would not believe Me. YOU HAVE TO JUST BELIEVE IN ME, PUT ALL YOUR FAITH IN ME, I HAVE NEVER LET YOU DOWN BEFORE.

I was driving along and I started to just bawl and bawl and bawl I started to just cry so hard and I was saying, "I do! I do! I trust you, Lord, I trust you!" And He was saying to me, "It is going to be okay - I know this is hard for you, I know it is hard for you to believe but I have never led you astray I have always led you to do good things and to have good things and now is no different. You are on your path. Everything is going the way it is supposed to." Loud as if He were sitting in the passenger's seat. I kid you not.

And then I felt the need to start running my monologue - practicing it anyway, I started doing the monologue and it got so deep, like I got to a new level of understanding the character, and there was real emotion there and I realized that I have to do this, that I can really do this and that I have something to share with people to help them understand what they feel and feel okay about it - about being a recovering alcoholic or being a mom or being biracial or being unhappy with how they look, their weight or whatever. That I can portray a role that gives that depth and makes people not feel so alone.

Anyway, it really changed things for me. It made this really all that much more important. That I really need to stop screwing around because there's a lot more at stake than I realized. My dreams are on the line here, and my purpose. I'm sorry if that sounds melodramatic and full of self-importance to some, but this is my blog, dammit, and I'm gonna be honest about what's going on with me. I'm done screwing around and I need to have all my wits about me to get to the top of this mountain.

Another talent agent called me today. I submitted my information online to an agency that only sees people for possible representation by invitation. Well, I have officially been invited. So, on Wednesday I have an open call audition for an agent, and then Thursday I have an invitation to read for another agent. Yes, Lord. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. I'm going to just keep it moving and leave the rest up to you.

Today was a good day.

Oh, and did I mention tomorrow is all about movement? Today was my rest day but tomorrow? Tomorrow, Tony's workout, followed by a bike ride with a friend, followed by my 4-mile run in preparation for the 10-Mile Broad Street Run the first weekend in May. It's supposed to be a beautiful day here in Philadelphia and I can't think of a better way to spend it than outside, sweating and enjoying the company of my friends and my own amazing, wonderful thoughts.

Lots of love,

Liimu

My day...all is well

Today's food:

• Apple

6 mile run

• Egg whites with mushrooms, ff cheese, oatmeal w/sf syrup and frozen strawberries

Tricep workout

• Myoplex shake w/glutamine
• Salad w/chicken breast, avocado, light ranch dressing
• Ground turkey burger w/ff cheese, grilled onions and mushrooms, steamed cauliflower, and sweet potato fries
• Homemade protein bar

I had such a good day. Something has really clicked inside me. Melissa and I were having a great conversation on Facebook where she was asking me to really dig deep to get at the motivation for why I'm doing this. What could I hold on to in a moment of weakness? It's not just wanting to look good, it's not even just wanting to be an example for my children. It's about wanting to be an inspiration on an even larger scale to those looking to overcome any one of the myriad struggles I've faced: drug and alcohol addiction, eating and body image disorders, codependency, being biracial, breaking free of corporate America.

I want to encourage and inspire others to face down their demons and achieve their highest heights, but to do that, I have to achieve my own. I'll be damned if I'm going to let some stupid pretzel bite stand in the way of THAT.

Sometimes you feel like a cheat, sometimes you don't.

I went into this day thinking, "OK - I know it's gonna be hard...girls have a birthday party next door, where there will be pretzel bites and veggies and dip and pizza and ...." need I go on? Oh, and did I mention that hubby was taking off for a gig at 3 pm, leaving me with the three of them? But, I was determined to face it down and handle it. Get through it, clean.

Well, I didn't. But I didn't binge myself into oblivion and I didn't beat myself up about it, either. When I fell off the wagon I said to myself, "Well, guess this will have to be a cheat." And then went on about my business. Texted Tony to let him know, texted Melissa, who is my accountability buddy, and moved on.

Tonight, I will put together my food plan for the week. Tomorrow, I will get up and run 6 miles. This is not a race, it's a journey, and every step counts.

Today's update...I'm still standing, and THAT'S what counts.

I had the most wonderful, amazing, and awe-inspiring experience over the last day or so. Last night, I was still struggling. Hubby had to work late again (don't get me wrong...in this economy, I'm glad he's got plenty of work) and it's tough with food when I'm alone with the kids. I don't police their food (I just try to monitor enough to ensure healthy balance and moderation) but so in any given night, they may be eating oven fries, macaroni and cheese, pizza, you name it. Plus, since they are toddlers, it is HIGH energy, HIGH chaos. (We're a loud, boisterous family - don't tell me you're surprised.)

Anyway, last night, I took the girls to the playground and they had lunchables, I had rice cakes. Then, when we got home, they weren't hungry - just wanted to watch a movie and have popcorn. So, we did. Yep, you heard me right. I had rice cakes and popcorn for dinner. By bedtime, my diseased little mind was telling me, why bother to try to salvage the night - might as well have a bowl of cereal with banana. Well, what I did instead was to PRAY. I prayed in the bathroom, I prayed while they brushed their teeth, I prayed with them before they fell off to sleep and then I prayed some more. Then, I had a Myoplex Lite and went to bed. And before I fell asleep, I prayed again - that I would be awakened with a renewed willingness. That these crazy thoughts would be removed from my head and I would once again have the fire and the focus to eat clean.

Lo, and behold, today I have the willingness. Today's food has been squeaky clean and I've been willing to write down and be accountable for every bite. And you know what I intend to do?

PRAY SOME MORE.

Today's FEELINGS...an epiphany about PATIENCE (or the lack thereof)

I've been anxious - and all this anxiety has been leading me to food. Today, a dear friend of mine helped me to untangle some of my stuff. It has to do with patience. Never a strong suit of mine.

A dear friend of mine and I were talking this morning, and for the fifth time in a week, I was getting advice that I'm spread to thin and in too many different directions, but then she said something different, something that really hit home.

She said, "Did it ever occur to you that maybe what you're supposed to be doing is waiting? You start doing something and then when it doesn't pan out right away you go off and do something else. Maybe you should do it and just give it time to pan out.

And that's so scary to me - just letting the Universe bear the fruit of my labor and not continuing to pluck at the branches hoping one of those little teeny apples WON'T be sour. I know it's true. I know it's coming with acting. I know something REALLY big is going to happen for me there. I just KNOW it. I have known it since I was 4 years old, I think. And something REALLY big is happening here, with Dreambodies. It's all related. It's all a part of the Universal plan unfolding right before my eyes.

Today's FEELINGS (aka UPDATE)

Thanks for all your comments and your encouragement.

Actually, your words - all of you - helped more than you can possibly know. They helped me to press on, even though it is sometimes a struggle. They help me to know I'm not alone, and most of all, they give me hope and encouragement that if I keep going, just keep moving forward, I will eventually reach my goals. Of course, then I will set new goals, even higher. It's just what I do! Point in case - my original goal was 159. Now that I'm within 5 pounds, it's 145. Go figure.

Anyway, thanks - I'm still in the game. Today and yesterday were clean, albeit full of a little more food than I probably needed. But I didn't eat the pizza, chicken wings, cookies and pretzels my family was eating ALL DAY LONG. So, that's a huge win today. 150s, you are MINE!

Oh - and today was a KILLER workout day - 5 mile run in the morning, followed by an hour long tricep workout (with a 5.5 mph run at the end, just for kicks and giggles).

I WILL GET THERE! I WILL! I WILL!

Calling all Divas...calling all Divas...I need help!!

Shit. I'm not sure what is going on, but my head is completely messing with me. I'm so struggling, people. I have to be honest. I know it's hormones, partly. And I know it's also mental. I have been struggling to just keep the food clean, and I've been praying, doing mindful meditation, e-mailing/texting/calling Tony. Here's the problem:

I am in that frame of mind where I just want to be able to eat what I want. I want to be "normal."

But I'm not normal. And just like you can't make me able to handle the occasional glass of wine, you can't make me into one of those people who only eats a couple bites of cheesecake and then puts the rest back in the fridge only to remember it three weeks later and toss it because it's gotten to that questionable point. I'm the type of person who, if by some miraculous stroke of luck put that piece of cheesecake back after only eating a few bites and then came across it again three weeks later would definitely eat it, even if I had just eaten a huge dinner and had to scrape off a little green fuzz that had sprouted on the dollups of whipped cream on either side.

That doesn't change the facts, people. I'm bored with what I'm eating. I feel like I"m nearly killing myself at the gym and I'm still 20-30 pounds away from having anybody's killer Dreambody. Yes, I know I've made great strides, but just for today, this feels hard. Really, really hard. And I'm scared to say that I'm questioning whether I want to do it anymore. I would love to work out 4 times a week, rather than 6. I would love to work out for 45 minutes to an hour each time, rather than 90 minutes. Because I feel like if I'm working this hard, it should be instantaneous. If it's gonna take 6 months, then why don't I just do Weight Watchers or the old traditional Body for Life?

Anyway, I'm saying all this not because I have any intention of dropping Tony and Dreambodies. I know he's the best thing that's happened to this wanna-be-MILF since my husband and kids. I could use some encouragement, though. Some words of wisdom, some fire-stoking, if-you-hang-in-there, this-is-going-to-happen-to-you-because-this-is-what-happened-to-me - ness.

Thanks,

Lii

Time to get real...

So, after succumbing to temptation and eating a handful of fries and a couple fish sticks (yes...nasty, I know) off my daughter's plate tonight, I sat down to watch some reality television and was surprised to get a dose of reality of my own.

I was watching Diddy’s “Making the Band” and their choreographer says to them, “I’ve seen so many bands get to this point and fail because they don’t want it bad enough. It’s about choices. It’s about taking it to the next level and not being afraid to spread your wings. You have to decide if you’re going to take it past this point, or if you’re too afraid. If you had it to do over again, would you take this opportunity? And if you would, then use that knowledge to empower yourself.”

As I sat watching, I asked myself the same question. If I had it to do over again, six months ago, knowing what I know now, would I have signed up for Dreambodies? The answer is, HELL YEAH, no hesitation I would have. And so, is it worth some stupid handful of French fries or bagel with cream cheese to sabotage what I want so badly, what I’ve wanted from the beginning? Hell, no, it isn’t.

I love Tony for continuing to push me to the level of knowing, the level of commitment I need to get to and to stay at in order to complete and own this transformation. I continue to be humbly grateful that I have him in my corner. I feel truly blessed.

Onward.

I feel weird...

After a hugely productive day yesterday, I have had a total BLAH day today. Another liquid diet day today (the third this week) and despite that, I'm still hovering around 164 pounds, which is SO frustrating. I'm so hungry and so tired and so bored with the way I'm eating.

OK - enough complaining. Here's the good stuff. I had a great workout this morning (ran the 10 minutes before and after my strength training) and ate clean today. I just gotta hold on and get through this. Oh, and I did the weight loss MP3 Tony sent me this afternoon, so at least I still have willingness.

I tried to write. I really did. But I just couldn't get my groove on. Monday is another day. And hey, I didn't ask to be out of work. So, don't hate me because I'm beautiful and unemployed. :) I'm just making lemons out of lemonade.

I'm saying prayers that I get through the rest of this day without succumbing to the temptation that seems every weekend to always start sliding up and around me and into my spirit like a slithering snake. Every weekend it happens, like clockwork. So, I'm beating it off with a stick, but maybe I need to just let it settle around my shoulders and just hang there, like one of those sexy snake ladies and not worry about it. Can you tell I'm delirious from hunger? *sigh*

I'm done. Just wanted to check in.

Lii

My check in for today...

So first of all, thanks to everyone who commented on my progress pics. I also got rave reviews from Tony, which really boosted my confidence.

A couple things to report on today. First of all, I am completely humbled by the havoc that my hormones wreak on a monthly basis on so many levels. My weight goes up by at LEAST five pounds, and I don't mean just for a day or two, I mean for weeks. I'm also slightly INSANE. Like, this month I was ready to move out and start a life over on my own, just me and my kids. It's important to note that my poor husband was so incredibly clueless in the whole thing that when I finally talked to him about what was going on, he was like a deer in the headlights, truly no clue why I was upset. No clue because there was no reason. I won't even get started on the low-energy workouts, crazy cravings, etc. etc. Suffice it to say, my hormones f*** me UP every single month. The good news is, I'm through the worst of it and back on my game. I'm looking forward to a KILLER weigh in tomorrow, and this is following three days of Tony boot camp eating and killer workouts (with extra cardio - 4 mile run on Monday, 3 mile run today).

The other thing that's been going on with me is that I have been bouncing back and forth between two conflicting interests. My primary means of income has been training consulting for the past 12 years. I left a cushy corporate job over a year ago to start my own consulting firm. I had an insanely successful year last year, and then - thanks to this wonderful economic situation we're facing - as of the first of February this year, everything dried up to a shriveling dustball. No work. Nothing. Nada. Ever the optimist, I decided to make the best of the situation and start pursuing other avenues - singing, acting, writing. Those things have been going pretty well, but none of them have been generating any income. So, I'm left hanging on this constant swinging pendulum between pursuing my creative interests with faith that they will pan out into something lucrative and sustainable, and pursuing consulting work, which I know to be lucrative and sustainable, even though it's not even close to being a personal passion. If you would and are so inclined, say prayers that I'll get clear guidance as to which of these two ends of the spectrum I should stay focused on. Today was a really good writing day. I wrote over 2,000 words! I really liked what I wrote. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Anyway, that's where I am. Trying to stay positive, focused, and full of faith. Thanks for reading!

Love, Liimu

I promised ... and I'm delivering... PROGRESS PICS!

So, Tony and I talked yesterday and it's official...I'm preparing for competition!!! Tony said that in order to decide when I'll be ready, he has to see progress pics. So, I had to take progress pics. Figured I might as well share them with my supportive community! I'm hoping that he thinks I'll be ready by September or October. There's a show in Southern California I'd love to do.

Anyway, I have to say that I'm much happier about this set of progress pics than I have been in the past. One small confession - I did suck in my gut for this side shot this time. But I was really happy to see that I'm almost ready to be in a bikini. I will definitely be bikini ready by the summer. I'm supporting hubby with a 12-week BFL challenge for the next 12 weeks. We do this thing where we each have a jar and if we stick to the plan for the day, we get to put a dollar in our own jar. If we don't, we have to put the dollar in the other person's jar. Tee hee!

Oh, and one last thing - my waist is FINALLY under 30 inches! 29.5 inches! YAY! And bodyfat under 30 percent! 27 percent! Yee ha! Next goal is to have bodyfat under 20 percent! I'm so excited for that!!

Just a momentary vent...

...why do I feel so damned bloated? How can I still be hovering around 165? When will this TOM weight GOOOOOO???

About to re-enter the LIIMU ZONE...

I'm coming back around. Finally. Boy, I tell you what. TOM is a really crappy deal for me. About a week before it hits, I start to have cravings and I start to get kinda cranky and tired. Then, when it hits, I'm a complete lunatic. Then, when it's over, I'm still tired (maybe from low iron?) and still craving for about a week. So, all in all, I have about a week where I'm really in peak condition.

The only good news is that I'm about to enter that peak week. :) And I'm going into it at about 165. That means that I will TOTALLY meet my goal of getting under 160 by the end of this month. I will. WATCH ME.

So, tomorrow is my audition for the Wiz. I have my sheet music printed and my song prepared, I have my monologue ready and my headshot and resume printed. Say prayers, everyone. I am so excited to see what happens!

I am going to get back into my positive mindset. I feel things shifting and positive amazing oppoortunities about to present themselves. Stay tuned for miracles! I feel them about to come raining down upon me!!!!!!

Lots of love,

Liimu

My recreation continues...

TOM is finally gone, phew. Now, could I please see the other side of 160? Please? Pretty please?

It was a rough weekend, I'm not going to lie. My running group started, and so I at least got some running in, but I just wasn't feeling it. I was going through some personal stuff and for the first time in my life, actually couldn't get through my workout on Sunday because I kept bursting into tears. Partially hormonal, partially real life stuff happening. Tony was SO sweet and supportive. He really is a good guy and a good friend (and a good trainer). Anyway, I got through it and am back on track. Ended up taking an authorized cheat on Sunday night, so I'm still trying to recover from that.

My recreation does continue. I'm heading up to NYC on Thursday to audition for The Wiz. Keep me in your prayers. I'm chasing my dreams!!

I gotta go to sleep. Just thought you guys might want a little teeny update.

This Week's Recreation - And the Oscar goes to...

So, talk about recreating myself. Guess what I did this week?

I auditioned for a CASTING AGENT! Bwahahahahaha! I went to school for theater straight out of high school, and then CRASH! BANG! BOOM! I went careening into drug addiction and subsequently recovery, a lifestyle that didn't really support the whole struggling actor thing. Or the successful actor thing, for that matter (think, Robert Downey Jr., Jeff Conaway, you get the idea).

Anyhoo, last year when I did Clash of the Choirs, the alternate for the alto section was the daughter of a big casting agent here in Philadelphia. So, when I heard him mention that he had an open call the first Wednesday of every month, I thought to my self, "Self? It's ON! Oh yeah, it's back on!" And then of course right after that, I thought, "As soon as I lose thirty pounds." Well, guess what? I DID lose 30 pounds. So, this week was the WEEK!

My next big hurdle was memorizing the monologue. My friends, I haven't prepared a monologue in over 20 years!!! I started off practicing it with my 6-year old daughter. Well, for those of you that haven't had the privilege, it's sort of like doing a monologue, but NOT. Because she doesn't get the concept of a monologue, so every time I pause for dramatic effect, she either asks a question or adds the line she thinks should be in the scene (and of course, should be her line). I finally gave it up and realized the best chance I had was to try to memorize it after the girls went to bed. It worked! By the next day, the monologue was embedded in my brain. And less than 12 hours later, I was pouring my little heart out for the agent. And she asked me if I had written the monologue myself, it was so perfect for me! And then, she looked something up on her computer and said she had a part she thought would be good for me, and could I come back on Thursday to read for it? I could and I did! And not only did they like how I read for the part, they wanted me to read for a second part!

So, I should hear back something tomorrow, I hope. I'll keep you guys posted. The most amazing part is while others are sitting on Facebook throwing sheep at their friends, I'm thinking about the things I wish I were doing and then actually doing them. I'm so grateful to have the willingness to show up for life today.

In other news, I put on a pair of size 10 Express pants to wear to the audition and they were TOO BIG. That's the first time those pants have ever been too big on me. And my old Guess jeans fit again! Life is good. I need to really do some serious clothes shopping. Maybe next week.

My Snow Day

Snow is still falling here in PA, and I was one of about a half dozen people who went to the gym, anyway. I mean, really - why not? If I were still binge eating, I would certainly have trekked out to get to the Wawa or Whole Foods to get my stash. Why wouldn't I trek the 10 minutes over to the gym, especially since they were kind enough to have people manning the Kid Care?

I'm so glad I did, too, because it was an awesome workout. I ran 10 minutes at 5.0 mph, then went on to do legs. First, I did Olympic squats, and did 6 reps with 125 pounds (including the weight of the bar). A personal record. Then, on to another personal record - I did a set of 6 reps leg presses at 430 pounds!!! 500 pounds, here we come! Then, my hip was hurting me so my Smith squats were pretty lame (we don't have a hack squat machine at our gym) and then on to burning leg extensions and curls, and then calf raises. No step ups, thank GOD. Then, I decided to take advantage of the 2-hour babysitting and run for a half hour, despite the fact that my legs were burning. So, that was a good workout!

The girls are all home from school and I'm here listening to my two-year old snore, trying to catch up on blog posts and my novel. I haven't written in days. Plus, I have to edit and post the latest radio show for Beyond the Stuff. Thank goodness I'm not working right now! Although I did have a conversation about some potential work coming up in a week or two, so that means JAMAICA IN APRIL!! WOO HOO!

OK, I guess that's all for now. I did hit 162.8 last week, so that was cool. I had a KILLER cheat on Saturday night (after I took hubby to the Philly Tattoo Convention), so I'm back up to 164.8 today. Once I lose the water weight, I suppose I can take some progress photos. I'd really like to wait until I hit 159, if I'm being honest. And anyway, I posted a recent pic, remember? On date night, Valentine's Day? In case you forgot, here it is again, side by side with my BEFORE shot.