I'm not sure. I do know that I am back to the place in my head where I JUST PROMISED myself I would not allow myself to get back to. The place where the food is calling the shots, driving the bus, making the choices for me. That feels like addiction. Despite my best planning, my best prayers, my best laid intentions, I find myself struggling to right my boat, yet again.
Some tell me to relax. It's hormonal, they say. It's not that deep. You'll get it together, just stay focused. Others tell me to treat this with the same passion and intensity I would use to protect my children. Imagine that eating that first compulsive bite means their little lives, they say. And yet, my gut, my spirit, that voice inside me that tells me what's true (my Higher Power?) says the truth lies somewhere in between.
Truth: I have to just pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. Bludgeoning myself to death over this misstep isn't going to fix the problem and it may very well give me one more thing I don't feel like feeling for which food could be a quick fix.
Truth: I cannot NOT take it seriously. I have to, at some point, take this whole thing seriously and decide whether I want to be healthy and average (which I am) for the rest of my life, or whether I want to go the next short distance to having the body I always dreamed I could one day have.
Truth: The only person who can get me to the next level is me. And at the end of it all, when it finally clicks in and I make the connection, everything I'm going through, every day like this when I feel like I may never get things back on track, will be an experience I've learned from and one that may help someone else get their very own Dreambody.
'Nuff said. Tomorrow is another day. Hell, I can start my day over anytime I want, so today is another day, for that matter.
I intend to blog daily again, like I did in the beginning, and really chronicle this next phase in my recreation. I'd love to have you join me on the journey.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
How I Came to Believe, Reflections of an Almost-40 Mom
When Robin asked me whether I wanted my very first Motherhood Later blog post to run on March 4th or March 7th, I didn’t hesitate before answering that the 7th would be the perfect day. It’s a day of reflection for me, every year, as it is the anniversary of the day I got sober, 15 years ago. Who would have thought, 15 years ago, when I was sitting in rehab listening to others share their experience, strength and hope about how they accepted that they needed to avoid a drink one day at a time, that I would one day be sharing my experience, strength and hope about being a nearly-40 mom of 3??
Before I got sober, I didn’t really think I would ever have a husband, let alone children, someday, though it was my deepest desire from as far back as I can remember. Sobriety has given me so many gifts, not the least of which being the courage to dream and the faith in a Higher Power and in the fact that He/She can make those dreams come true.
The recovery process is not just about recovery, it’s also about discovery. Over the past 15 years, I have learned ways of discovering what I do and don’t like about myself, what I do and don’t like to do, and who I do and don’t like to do it with. As a result, I have the life of my dreams. I run a business that offers me the financial freedom to travel and enjoy doing the things I love to do, while also giving me the flexibility to spend time with my children. I have a husband who I often look at and think, who is that hot guy? Oh, wait! That’s my husband! I get to go home with him! (And it’s not just me – just the other night at a gig, another singer said, “Is that your husband? WOW – he’s hot!” Yep, and he’s all mine…tee hee.)
In addition to having my own business, I have always had the dream of being a singer. This past year that dream has come even closer to coming true. Before I got sober, I wrote a song about believing in your dreams, and this past year, that song was recorded with a real band (the drummer played for Stevie Wonder!!) and even played on the radio. People tell me that when they hear the song, they tear up with emotion. It makes me feel so good to know that I’m not only realizing my dreams, but touching others in the process.
And of course, the greatest dream I have realized over these past 15 years was to get married to the man of my dreams and have three beautiful, spectacular, breathtakingly wonderful daughters. With my 40th birthday fast approaching, I’m feeling an even more intense desire to continue to follow my dreams not just for my own selfish reasons, but also for them. I have come to the conclusion that the best way to get them to pursue their dreams is for me to pursue mine.
‘Cause if you believe in yourself
Then you don’t need anything or anybody else
If you believe in your dreams, then your dreams will come true
So believe in yourself, as I believe in you.
Believe in Yourself, © 2009 Liimu
Before I got sober, I didn’t really think I would ever have a husband, let alone children, someday, though it was my deepest desire from as far back as I can remember. Sobriety has given me so many gifts, not the least of which being the courage to dream and the faith in a Higher Power and in the fact that He/She can make those dreams come true.
The recovery process is not just about recovery, it’s also about discovery. Over the past 15 years, I have learned ways of discovering what I do and don’t like about myself, what I do and don’t like to do, and who I do and don’t like to do it with. As a result, I have the life of my dreams. I run a business that offers me the financial freedom to travel and enjoy doing the things I love to do, while also giving me the flexibility to spend time with my children. I have a husband who I often look at and think, who is that hot guy? Oh, wait! That’s my husband! I get to go home with him! (And it’s not just me – just the other night at a gig, another singer said, “Is that your husband? WOW – he’s hot!” Yep, and he’s all mine…tee hee.)
In addition to having my own business, I have always had the dream of being a singer. This past year that dream has come even closer to coming true. Before I got sober, I wrote a song about believing in your dreams, and this past year, that song was recorded with a real band (the drummer played for Stevie Wonder!!) and even played on the radio. People tell me that when they hear the song, they tear up with emotion. It makes me feel so good to know that I’m not only realizing my dreams, but touching others in the process.
And of course, the greatest dream I have realized over these past 15 years was to get married to the man of my dreams and have three beautiful, spectacular, breathtakingly wonderful daughters. With my 40th birthday fast approaching, I’m feeling an even more intense desire to continue to follow my dreams not just for my own selfish reasons, but also for them. I have come to the conclusion that the best way to get them to pursue their dreams is for me to pursue mine.
‘Cause if you believe in yourself
Then you don’t need anything or anybody else
If you believe in your dreams, then your dreams will come true
So believe in yourself, as I believe in you.
Believe in Yourself, © 2009 Liimu
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I'm exhausted
But I'm gonna post, anyway.
I feel like I have had a mini-breakthrough, and I am SO excited about it. I have been doing hypnosis MP3s for a couple weeks now, and it really seems to be affecting my willingness in the evening to be conscious of what I'm eating and stay vigilant. The night-time eating has been my downfall, truly. I will be conscientious and eat healthy all day and then as soon as my kids get home, it's a handful of pretzel goldfish here, a tablespoon of almond butter there, and before you know it, I've standing snacked my way out of all the good hard work I did all day.
Well, no more. I'm getting back into the lower 160s and beyond. I'm entering the Spring and Summer fiercer and fitter than I have been since I was in my 20s. I can feel that 2010 is going to be the best year yet, and I will be the best me I have ever been. I know this to be true.
It's been a difficult couple of months for us. It is a challenge to keep my business going during the early part of the year but you know what? I'm working. It is a challenge to keep myself active and upbeat when there is 2-feet of snow on the ground that's nasty gray and dirty from being there for so long, but you know what? I'm working out and I'm staying accountable. My husband, children and I are stir crazy and ready to go bananas from wanting to be able to hang out outside, but you know what? They're still my favorite people in the world (and I think I'm on their short lists, too).
Life is too short to complain and be miserable. I have tons of things I could complain and worry and what if about. But I'd rather what if about the good things the Universe may have in store for me.
What if ... I lost this last 20 pounds and rocked a string bikini this summer?
What if ... all the projects that are potentially coming through CAME THROUGH and I was making mad money every month?
What if ... we had enough money to travel to Italy in May AND go to the shore for a week in August?
What if ... my songs became viral hits on the Internet and we got picked up by a major record label?
What if? And why not?
Dream big, y'all. Cause what you think about, you bring about...
I feel like I have had a mini-breakthrough, and I am SO excited about it. I have been doing hypnosis MP3s for a couple weeks now, and it really seems to be affecting my willingness in the evening to be conscious of what I'm eating and stay vigilant. The night-time eating has been my downfall, truly. I will be conscientious and eat healthy all day and then as soon as my kids get home, it's a handful of pretzel goldfish here, a tablespoon of almond butter there, and before you know it, I've standing snacked my way out of all the good hard work I did all day.
Well, no more. I'm getting back into the lower 160s and beyond. I'm entering the Spring and Summer fiercer and fitter than I have been since I was in my 20s. I can feel that 2010 is going to be the best year yet, and I will be the best me I have ever been. I know this to be true.
It's been a difficult couple of months for us. It is a challenge to keep my business going during the early part of the year but you know what? I'm working. It is a challenge to keep myself active and upbeat when there is 2-feet of snow on the ground that's nasty gray and dirty from being there for so long, but you know what? I'm working out and I'm staying accountable. My husband, children and I are stir crazy and ready to go bananas from wanting to be able to hang out outside, but you know what? They're still my favorite people in the world (and I think I'm on their short lists, too).
Life is too short to complain and be miserable. I have tons of things I could complain and worry and what if about. But I'd rather what if about the good things the Universe may have in store for me.
What if ... I lost this last 20 pounds and rocked a string bikini this summer?
What if ... all the projects that are potentially coming through CAME THROUGH and I was making mad money every month?
What if ... we had enough money to travel to Italy in May AND go to the shore for a week in August?
What if ... my songs became viral hits on the Internet and we got picked up by a major record label?
What if? And why not?
Dream big, y'all. Cause what you think about, you bring about...
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