I could have sworn...

...that I posted a day or two ago. I guess not.

I'm feeling strong again. Will someone please remind me the next time I get all down on myself to see if it's that time of the month and just give myself a break if it is? I actually had a dear friend/sponsor tell me recently that she could not believe the difference in my personality when Aunt Flow is visiting. The way she described it is that under normal circumstances, I am a person who ACTS, whereas when I'm suffering from the hormonal surge that comes with my monthly visit, I am a person who REACTS. And not very well, at that.

Today was a wacky day. I woke up determined to enjoy my daughter's third birthday, but not with food. My two older daughters were home with me, actually. I sent the baby to school because she was having a big pizza party with all her friends and I figured I would just pick her up after her nap. Well my two older girls were being SUCH a pain that by 10 am, we were all screaming at each other. I called Tony in tears, because I could feel the stress getting to me, sending me into a binge, at worst a lazy, non-gym day, at best. Fortunately, I caught myself before any of that happened, and I actually ended up working out WITH my kids (I ran 2 miles at 6 mph) and then got to the gym later after my husband came home. I didn't do perfectly well at dinner, but I didn't have any cake and I offset any damage by going to bed with a cup of tea, nothing more.

I am just so grateful to have the willingness again to post, to visualize, to meditate, to workout, to eat healthy. Just make sure when I start acting like a hormonal beast in mid-October, someone will let me know!

Memories...light the corners of my mind....

I spent some time tonight re-reading some of the old posts from last year, trying to reclaim some of the fire I had this time last year. This time last year, I was on fire, completely unstoppable, totally committed to Tony's program, to his way of living.

I don't know what happened or when I lost that fire, but I am hungry for getting back to that place. I need to be hungry for that, not hungry for some stupid refined carbs. So, I'm just coming here to say that I'm still very much in the game and looking forward to seeing the 150s, and SOON.

I'll keep you all posted, of course.

If you read me...

...follow me!

I'm just sayin...

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Don't stop before the miracle happens...

There is a saying in 12-step programs that sometimes people give up on recovery just days or even minutes before the miracle was going to happen for them. When a newcomer enters the room, people encourage them not to leave before their miracle happens.

The same could be said for those of us struggling to make any dream come true, whether it's me, pursuing my dreams of having my own business or having a successful career in music. And of course, the same could be said for the pursuit of good health and our dream body.

I attribute to the success I've had in any endeavor to three things:

- Having a clear vision
- Having a defined plan
- NEVER GIVING UP

I would love to say that the third piece of the puzzle for me has been following the plan, but I need to get honest and say that I am not always able to follow my plan perfectly. I know not many people can relate to falling off the wagon after having some modicum of success (HA), but I can honestly say that what is a consistent thread throughout all the success stories is that we all stay in the game, keep trying, keep plugging along. Me, I have tons of people who support me and when I'm faltering, I reach out to them like my life depends on it. And in some regards, it does. I don't ever want to go back to the way life was before I got in decent shape. I don't ever want to feel the self-loathing, insecurity, lack of confidence, physical discomfort that comes with being overweight.

What do I want? I want the joy, the sass, the bliss that comes with knowing I'm living my life EXACTLY the way I want to, and EXACTLY the way God intended. Having a buff, sexy body will be a sweet bonus. Not the end goal, just a symptom of living a healthy, happy life.

I'm holding on for my miracle. I'm not going anywhere till I get it and when I get it, I'm never letting go.

How about you?

Seriously, this time...

First, I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who continue to believe in me, even when I'm not even sure I believe in myself. Melissa, Evelyne, Tea, Tony, April, Tina, Jacquie, Stacy, Chrissy, Claudia...the list goes on and on. Sorry I haven't linked to everyone's blogs and sorry if I missed calling anyone out by name. I'm tired and slipping rapidly into one of those Sunday night carb comas we're probably all familiar with.

I'm not sure what happened this weekend, but I can honestly say I'm not proud of it. I was holding on for when my husband starts up with Tony, thinking that I could just sort of ride his coattails. He now has a popped hamstring and is delayed yet another week. I'm trying to be supportive, loving and understanding of how much pain he's in, but there's also a part of me that is like, DAMN...now what? He will have another week of eating whatever and not going to the gym and I have to just suck it up and get back on the horse, with or without him.

First, I cannot afford to go days and days eating like this. Not many people are like me - but I do know this about myself - I can easily gain 10 pounds in one week, if I'm not careful. Second, I have THREE MONTHS to get this last 25 pounds off. I do NOT want to go into 2010 still struggling with this last 25-30 pounds. I want to have different goals, for once. Third, I'm truly sick and tired of hearing MYSELF say that this is it, this is when I refocus for good.

So, God willing, this will be the last time I have to say it. God willing, I will actually be graced this time with the sustainable strength and fortitude to really change my habits once and for all. I want to be a healthy person. I want to eat when I'm hungry and I want to eat food that nourishes my body, not food that I'm hoping will fill some sort of void.

I'll be posting much more regularly, letting you guys know how I'm doing, that I'm hitting the hard workouts, getting in my water, keeping my food squeaky clean. I can't wait to report that I finally broke through that barrier I've been waiting to break through and am in the 150s!

I'll check in soon.

The Biggest Loser is back...

Man, I wish I had had someone this morning yelling at me like Jillian. OK, granted...I had been up working until after midnight the night before. Granted, I was really, really tired. But DANG - what the f*** is UP with me? I haven't had a decent workout in a WEEK. So WHAT I have a busy life? So WHAT I have been working 10 hour days, rehearsing and recording and trying to be a decent mother and wife? I can still get a good workout in.

It all stops here. I didn't watch the Biggest Loser last season, but I'm watching it now. There is NO excuse for me not drinking over a gallon of water a day. There is NO excuse for me not eating clean. There is NO excuse for me not getting my skinny behind in the gym and giving it my all, if these 250, 350, 450 pound girls are in there doing there thing.

Sure, they have the time allotted to do it. But you know what? I have a BLESSED life, and I can FIND the time to do it. The only thing keeping me from getting it done is what's between my ears. So, it starts NOW.

And you know what? I'm updating those goals. I'm making them AGGRESSIVE. I want to be at my final GOAL by the end of this year. It WILL happen. It starts NOW.

blog therapy

Any of you who have ever driven 17 hours with your kids or tried to blog from your blackberry pearl (using the internet, not a shortcut app) get how bad I need blog therapy to be blogging now, en route to Charlotte, NC from Disney, 4 hours to go.

I literally feel like I am expanding by the hour on this trip for some reason. By this trip, I mean this CAR RIDE, not our vacation. My pants are tight, my stomach is back to looking something like it did a couple weeks after I had my kids. I feel GROSS and so disappointed in myself. I really wanted to stay on track during my vacation. And now, that moment I step on the scale to assess the damage is looming in front of me. It's making me anxious, which is making me eat even more. The moment I accept that I have to get back on track is also looming, which has me nervously eating.

There. I think that's everything. Now that I've bitched and moaned, whined and complained, I can go back to being part of my own solution. Tea's blog today was awesome. I am totally going to envision a successful day tomorrow, starting with a killer workout in the gym. My hubby is starting Dreambodies, and I told Tony I want to refocus: new pics, new measurements, new goals. I have lots of support, lots of people cheering me on and LOTS of reasons to get this DONE!
Maybe it's even time for a new blog template! Hmmm...

Stay tuned! Thanks for reading!

Disney World Update

Ah, Disney. The happiest place on Earth...probably because of all the sugar and fried foods. I haven't even been eating it (well, not all that much of it) and yet every morning I feel like I'm waking up post-carb overload.

I've worked out twice since I've been here. Not the daily schedule I'd envisioned for myself, but better than nothing. And the days I haven't worked out it's because I've been at the parks all day, walking for literally 5-6 hours. I'm hopeful that this will offset the occasional missteps I've had since I've been here.

My clothes still fit, my skin is still reasonably clear, thank goodness, but I swear, I feel like my nerve endings are completely raw. Yesterday, hubby and I got into an argument about NOTHING that left me in tears. My eldest daughter was still upset at seeing me cry when she woke up this morning. And this morning, I was getting on my OWN nerves with my nasty attitude. I know it's partly from being in close quarters for an entire week, partly from being off my regular routine, partly from the lack of water and additional carbs, and partly from not having been to a meeting in a week and a half. I'm not sure if I will be able to get to one before I get home, either, which STINKS.

One nice thing I realized, though, is that I do have a pretty fantastic, vacation-like lifestyle at home. In fact, the only thing that feels special about being on vacation is the fact that people aren't calling me around the clock. It is making me think maybe I should unplug more at home; then I would feel like I am on vacation ALL the time!

Okay, we're off to Animal Kingdom today, and then DH and I are having a romantic dinner at Epcot in France, sans children.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm here and still fighting the good fight. :)